The border wall,
Trump's favorite imaginary friend.
Building it was his biggest campaign promise,
and if you voted for him, then good news:
it's finally happening.
NEWSMAN: President Trump tonight diverting billions of dollars
from the Pentagon from the military
to fund his border wall.
NEWSWOMAN: The Pentagon notifying lawmakers
it is diverting funds away
from over a hundred military construction projects.
$3.6 billion in total
to pay for the president's border wall,
cutting funds Congress approved for all sorts of programs,
like $40 million from Camp Lejeune,
$160 million from West Point
and, the single largest cut
in the United States and its territories,
$400 million for efforts
to rebuild military sites in Puerto Rico
after they were wrecked by Hurricane Maria.
President Trump says the money is needed
as a matter of national security.
Wow.
He seems like an idiot, but this guy's a genius.
No, you see, I didn't see it before,
but clearly, this was his plan all along.
Think about it. Trump builds the wall
by taking money away from the military.
Now America has no military and is totally defenseless,
so Mexico invades, takes over America.
Now Mexico runs America,
which means Mexico is paying for the wall.
(laughter)
Brilliant.
-Brilliant plan. -(cheering and applause)
Wow!
No, for real.
For real, man, Trump is struggling here.
He went from, "Mexico will pay for the wall"
to stealing the money from his own military?
If this is how he negotiates,
I can see why he went bankrupt so many times.
Like, he would be the worst kidnapper ever.
"If you want to see your son again,
you're gonna need to pay me a million dollars."
"I don't have a million dollars!"
"Then I'm gonna pay you."
(laughter)
All right, let's move on now to some international news.
While schools in America
are trying to get their scores higher,
schools in Britain are just trying to get a high score.
Kids in England are gonna learn life skills
a whole new way by playing video games.
Get this. Nintendo games are being introduced
into the curriculum
to help teach computing and other skills.
Classics like Mario and Donkey Kong
will become a fixture in the classrooms, as well,
just like Shakespeare and the periodic table of the elements.
The head of the initiative believes this will inspire
the next generation of young minds
across the United Kingdom.
Yes, you heard that right.
Super Mario will be taught in schools just like Shakespeare.
(chuckles) They're gonna be playing Nintendo games
as part of school. Like, that-that's the one thing
that could make video games boring,
is a teacher trying to teach it.
Just being like, "Now, remember, students,
"as in real life, the best way to kill a turtle
is to jump on it, okay?"
I will say, I think teaching Mario in school
is a great idea. I mean, I learned so many things
from that game that I still follow today.
You know? If you eat spicy plants,
fire's gonna shoot out of your ass.
Uh, if you see an open pipe,
always jump into it.
And, most importantly,
you never get the girl because she's always in another castle.
Yeah. Because it's a castle.
You can't chase her around. You can chase her all you want,
yeah, but she's not coming back to your shitty studio apartment
when the other guy has a castle.
So stop stalking her and get a job!
These are the lessons I learned from games.
And, finally, a new story from Germany
about an amusement park ride that wasn't so amusing.
REPORTER: And in the category of "you had one job,"
a German amusement park has been forced
to shut down a new ride after customers noted
parts of it looked like a giant spinning swastika.
The Adlerflug, which is German for "Eagle's Flight,"
consists of eagle-shaped cars connected to an axis
that strongly resembles
the notorious symbol of Nazi Germany.
After a social media backlash,
the owners immediately closed the ride.
Oh, man, that...
that does not look good.
And it's even worse when you see the sign that says,
"You must be this tall to ride."
Honestly, you know,
the most shocking part of this story for me
is that Germans have amusement parks.
That doesn't seem like a German idea.
You just picture them out, like, "Family,
"we are going to have a mandatory fun day.
"Und, remember, when we get our picture taken,
we show German joy!"
Now, look, obviously, this was a mistake.
But if you're a German, you can't afford
to make this kind of mistake, all right?
Stay away from anything
that could even closely resemble a swastika.
In fact, just stay away from right angles, completely.
Everything in Germany should be curved.
All the buildings should be curved.
Tables and chairs should be curved.
Don't even dance the robot.
It's too close. It's dangerous.
Yeah. Just keep it tight.
Finger guns, finger guns.
Okay, actually, no guns.
You're German. No guns.
Just peace signs, peace signs.