>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A VETERAN OF THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL AND SHOWBIZ'S
MOST FAMOUS INSULT COMIC DOG.
HE RECENTLY COVERED THE RACE BETWEEN TED CRUZ AND BETO
O'ROURKE ON THIS VERY SHOW.
HERE'S A SAMPLE.
>> I WANT TO SAY TO TRIUMPH, MY ADVICE IS WALK AWAY AND JUST
REMEMBER-- IT WASN'T THE REPUBLICANS.
IT WAS THE DEMOCRATS THAT TOOK YOU INTO THE VET TO GET FIXED.
AND THERE IS FREEDOM ON THE OTHER SIDE.
>> I SUPPORT-- HEY, I SUPPORT SPAYING AND NEUTERING, JUST LIKE
TRUMP DID TO YOU!
I KID!
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW,""
TRIUMPH THE INSUMMIT COMIC DOG.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE, TRIUMPH.
>> HI, STEPHEN.
IT'S GREAT TO BE PAID TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: WELL, TRIUMPH, THANKS FOR COVERING THE RACE.
BUT DESPITE YOUR CUTTING INSULTS, TED CRUZ STILL WON DOWN
IN TEXAS.
>> I KNOW!
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT COMEDIANS I COULDN'T EFFECT THE ELECTIONS
>> Stephen: WELL, DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.
>> I DON'T.
I BLAME YOU.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S ON EVERY BLEEP NIGHT.
>> Stephen: THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE.
>> COME ON!
IF WE CAN'T CHANGE THE ELECTION, WE'RE JUST LICKING OURSELVES UP
HERE.
( LAUGHTER )
I COULD.
SOME NIGHTS I WISH I COULD.
DID YOU THINK THAT BETO COULD NEVER WIN DOWN THERE?
WHAT DO YOU THINK THE PROBLEM WAS?
>> IT'S TEXAS, OKAY.
LET'S FACE IT.
TEXAS IS A RED STATE.
A PILE OF ARMADILLO CRAP COULD WIN IN TEXAS AS LONG AS IT WAS A
REPUBLICAN.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
( LAUGHTER )
IS ANIMAL (BLEEP).
HE DID GIVE AN EMOTIONAL SPEECH AND IT GOT SOME ATTENTION
BECAUSE HE USED A FLEETING PROFANITY.
>> YES, YES, OH, YES.
BETO SAID A SWEAR WORD ON TV.
CAN YOU IMAGINE!
A SENATORIAL CANDIDATE CURSING ON STAGE LIKE A COMMON
PRESIDENT!
( LAUGHTER )
>> THINK ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: SAD IS WHAT IT IS.
>> HERE'S MY OPINION-- HONESTLY, I THINK THERE'S TOO MUCH BLAME
FOCUSED ON BETO FOR SAYING THE "F" WORD IN HIS SPEECH AND NOT
ENOUGH CREDIT BEING GIVEN TO STEVE KING FOR NOT SAYING THE
"N" WORD IN HIS.
( LAUGHTER )
TURNOUT THE REPUBLICANS GAINED SEATS IN THE SENATE.
>> YES, MITCH McCONNELL WAS THE MOST SATISFIED HE HAS FELT
SINCE HE PAID OFF THE ENTIRE MORTGAGE ON HIS SHELL.
( LAUGHTER )
UNDERSTAND.
HE LOOKS LIKE A TURTLE.
>> INDEED, HE RESEMBLES ONE.
DID YOU KNOW TURTLES ACTUALLY HAVE TO PAY MORTGAGE ON THEIR
SHELLS?
EVEN THOUGH IT'S PART OF THEIR BODIES!
THANKS, OBAMA!
>> Stephen: ANOTHER OKAY, WHAT ABOUT FLORIDA?
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAD HIGH HOPES FOR THE DEMOCRATS.
>> IT WAS A DISAPPOINTING TIME IN FLORIDA, I HAVE TO SAY.
THEY HAD HIGH HOPES.
BUT AT LEAST THEY HAD THAT BALLOT INITIATIVE TO ALLOW
EX-FELONS TO VOTE.
SO, DON JUNIOR, YOU MIGHT WANT TO MAKE MAR-A-LARGO YOUR PRIMARY
RESIDENCE.
BECAUSE HE'S GOING DOWN!
YOU SEE!
( APPLAUSE )
HAPPY TO SEE WIN LAST NIGHT?
>> I HAVE TO SAY, J.B. PRITZKER, THE NEW GOVERNOR OF ILLINOIS.
CAN WE SEE A PICTURE?
SEE THAT?
>> Stephen: THERE HE IS.
>> IT'S BEEN A HARD TIME WITHOUT CHRIS CHRISTIE FOR ME.
( LAUGHTER )
J.B. PRITZKER CREATES A BLUE WAVE EVERY TIME HE JUMPS INTO A
SWIMMING POOL.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: HE'S A DEMOCRAT.
HE'S A DEMOCRAT, YES.
BUT PRITZKER SAYS HE WILL MAKE GOVERNMENT MUCH SMALLER, BUT
ONLY IN COMPARISON TO HIM.
>> Stephen: I THINK WE GET IT.
>> DO YOU UNDERSTAND.
>> Stephen: I GET THE DRIFT OF WHERE THIS IS GOING.
HE NEEDS TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS.
>> HE NEEDS TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT!
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU AS A DOG CANNOT
VOTE, YOU HELPED ENCOURAGE TURNOUT.
>> I'M A CONVICTED FELON.
BUT I STILL-- YES.
I-- I DID WANT TO ENCOURAGE TURNOUT.
SO ON TWITTER, I INVITED MY FANS TO TAKE PICTURES OF THEMSELVES--
THIS IS TRUE-- PICTURES OF THEMSELVES VOTING, AND THEN I
WOULD POOP ON THEM WITH #I VOTEDPOOPONME.
>> Stephen: THERE'S ONE GUY WHO WROTE, "I VOTED.
I'M READY TO BE POOPPED ON."
>> YES, VERY SWEET.
SO I REPLIED, "I CAN TELL TWO THINGS BY LOOKING AT YOU: YOU
SUPPORT A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE, AND IT WILL NEVER MATTER
IN YOUR CASE."
IT'S A GOOD WAY TO CONNECT WITH THE FANS!
>> Stephen: HENCE, THE POOPING.
THERE'S THE POOPING.
NOW, ONE OF YOUR FELLOW ANIMALS GOT IN ON IT.
SOMEONE SENT A PICTURE OF THEIR CAT.
>> YES, SOME LADY SENT THIS, AND I SAID, "RIGHT NOW THAT CAT IS
LOOKING AT THE STICKER YOU STUCK ON IT THINKING, "THIS IS WHY I
AM GOING TO EAT YOU WHEN I DIE."
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY SWEET.
WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR THIS GUY?
>> THIS GUY, OH, YES.
I RESPONDED, "GREAT.
NOW GO SOBER UP, YOU HAVE TO GO DELIVER TOYS TO THE CHILDREN
NEXT MONTH."
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, TRIUMPH.
TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG, EVERYBODY.
THERE WE GO.
THANK YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.