♪ Intro Music ♪
Hello there ...
We all know the dangers inherent in Victim Mentality.
Why do we know about the dangers?
Because Spiritual Teachers and Psychologists and Self-Help Gurus
have been telling you about the dangers for hundreds of years.
The Ego often uses victimhood to ensure its own survival
or shall we say - positive self-image.
The problem with the Ego is that it can make positive relationships
(which are at the heart of our life)
really hard if not impossible, to pull off.
But today, I'm not here to tell you any more
about the consequences of Victim Consciousness,
I'm here to tell you about a pitfall that exists to the opposite extreme -
within people who absolutely refuse to see themselves or to be seen, as the victim ...
What you have to understand about the Ego is that it cares how it looks -
it cares how it looks to itself
and it cares how it looks to other people.
Therefore, the Ego can be just as addicted to being seen as the Victor
as it can to being seen as the 'good guy' and thus, Victim.
The Ego that is attached to being a victor loves blaming itself.
Probably you already know how much shame there is
inherent in victim-mentality.
In today's world it's almost like the second you admit to being hurt by somebody
there's somebody else standing there ready to say:
"That's just you being a victim - and we know you created it!"
Essentially, there's so much shame inherent in victim-mentality
that many of us do whatever we can to give the impression
that we are *not* feeling like a victim when we are,
and we do not see ourselves as a victim when in fact, we do.
The raw truth is that we feel hurt and we feel helpless.
Our relationships *absolutely* depend on our ability
to be completely authentic about how we feel -
so when we cannot be authentic about feeling hurt and feeling helpless,
we cannot culture positive relationships.
We are, instead, manufacturing a facade
so that we will look good to ourselves and to others.
The unhealthy Ego is concerned with one thing and one thing alone, and that's Power.
I'm not talking the 'good' kind of Power, like Empowerment,
I'm talking Power that is completely dependent on Polarity,
with one thing being Superior, and one thing being Inferior.
The Ego can gain this kind of power by being seen as 'good'.
When people are stuck in victim-mentality,
this is, in fact, what they're after -
they're after the power inherent in righteousness
and in the superiority of being more virtuous than someone else.
The problem is, that the Ego that is concerned with being righteous or good
needs a 'bad guy' to exist.
People who are trapped in victor-mentality
are after the kind of power that belongs to someone superior and strong.
This kind of person cannot ever admit to vulnerability.
This kind of Ego may be unwilling to admit to any negative emotions at all
or it may not have a real problem with expressing anger and negative emotional states
that it perceives as strong,
whilst it will refuse to express negative emotional states that it perceives as weak.
This Ego crumbles at the thought of admitting to Fear and especially, Hurt.
Admitting that their feelings got hurt is like a death-sentence.
This Ego thinks that by denying vulnerability (especially any notion of victimhood)
it is a Victor and thus, it has won.
There's a basic Truth that I wanna share with all of you because this understanding
could, quite possibly, change your entire life: we get to *choose* between Polarity and Love.
What does that mean as it applies to the Ego?
We can choose between Superiority and Love ...
We get to choose between being Justified and Love ...
We get to choose between Good and Love ...
Why?
Because in the moment you choose *that polarity*
the opposite polarity *must* exist - you're creating a state of separation.
For you to be superior, someone must be inferior ...
For you to be good, someone must be bad ...
For you to be justified, someone must be unjustified ...
So in the moment you choose to *that* polarity,
you are distancing yourself from someone else.
Another way of saying this is - we get to struggle for Power or we get Love.
The Ego that is concerned with being a victor is on an absolute power-trip,
but it is a 'disguised' power-trip -
a power-trip disguised as Virtue ...
And we fall for it *all the time*.
The person who actually does feel as if they've been victimized,
who feels hurt, who feels helpless - but they're gonna tell you
"No, I know it was me - definitely it was me that created this"
And we say "Wow - that is such an amazing person!"
and that's exactly what their Ego wanted.
We mistake Strength and a Power-Trip to the degree that we commend and approve of it!
I meet with people so often who absolutely refuse to acknowledge
the fact that they feel hurt,
the fact that they feel disappointed,
the fact that they feel helpless to some situation -
because they absolutely refuse to see themselves as victims
and they refuse because of the collective shame inherent in it
for other people to see themselves as victims.
This is *especially* true if we're in a You-Create-Your-Own-Reality or a Positive-Focus community.
We will avoid to admitting to anything that suggests that we felt hurt by something else or someone else
because we know it will be turned back on us and invalidated just as fast as we say it.
Consider that the willingness to be vulnerable enough to admit to feeling hurt
is in fact the opposite of Victimhood.
Consider that we can share our experience of feeling hurt, powerless, afraid etc.
without blame or attack
but instead, simply authentically share our experience.
This allows us to own what is Ours, and the other person - to own what is Theirs,
and create Repair in the relationship so that we can reconnect with one another.
If you have an Ego that is addicted to the idea of being a Victor,
I want you to ask yourself:
"How is authentically sharing my feelings, "
"even if that means sharing the fact that I am hurt, the *opposite* of victimhood?"
Pretending to feel differently than how we feel comes with serious consequences.
First of all, we are living out-of-Alignment with our own sense of Integrity.
There is really almost nothing more painful than knowing that you're living a lie.
On top of that, for us to figure out where we want to go
we have to be willing to admit to where we are.
Otherwise, it's almost like you're staring at a map,
and you know where you wanna go,
but you're not willing to admit to where you are,
so how the hell are you gonna chart the distance between here and there?
Also, those of us who know anything about emotions know that suppressed emotions
that are delegated to the subconscious mind
come out in all kinds of covert and menacing ways ... «winks»
This Universe is full of contradictory Truths.
Why is this the case?
Because we are dealing with a multi-dimensional Universe,
and the Truths that apply on higher-dimensional Realities
do not apply on lower-dimensional Realities -
they seem a contradiction ...
For example - at the highest level of Truth in this Universe all is well,
but you would be hard-pressed to be able to see *that* as truth
when you're in another country watching children get their limbs blown off at war ...
At that Reality, the Truth looks more like: "No - this is really messed-up and it needs to change!"
Both of these Truths are true - they are *both* true.
We don't need to look for the Only Truth,
what we have to do is to get better at holding-space for Polarities.
We need to hold-space for contradictory Truths to co-exist simultaneously.
On one level of the Universe is a Truth that there is no such thing as a victim.
Sometimes this perspective and truth serves us greatly in our day-to-day lives.
At another level (of the Universe), people do get hurt by each other -
just think 'Nazi Concentration Camp' and you'll see this Truth.
So we run into trouble when we try to use Universal Truths to invalidate *other* Universal Truths
instead of learning to hold and honor these contradictory Truths ...
What do we know about invalidated feelings?
They don't resolve *themselves* ...
What happens, is that they begin to fester ...
I want you to begin to think
as if you and the connection with another person is a kind of 'fabric' that connects you both,
and when you feel hurt by someone else,
there is a tear in that 'fabric'.
And if you are going to just use the Universal Truth that there is no such thing as a victim
to invalidate your current feelings of victimhood,
all you're going to do is to make that wound stay like it is (if not get worse) and, for sure, fester.
Admitting to the fact that you feel hurt
is the first step towards healing.
It opens that door wide, for amends to take place.
If we address our feelings of victimhood
we are exposing those feelings to the light of Consciousness
which, in fact, dissolves the Lack Consciousness that is Victimhood.
We wanna do this in a way
where we are owning our feelings that occurred as a result of whatever happened,
rather than telling them what they did wrong and blaming our hurt on them.
And when we do this, we open the door
for relationship-repair, for relief, for healing,
and for even greater closeness and intimacy.
Wanna know how to get out of the Victor trap?
It's very, very simple ...
If you're scared - say you're scared,
if you don't know - say you don't know,
if you made a mistake - say you made a mistake,
if you feel hurt - say you're hurt,
if you're in love - say you're in love -
be as transparent and real as you possibly can be.
It is useless to try to stop caring what other people think.
You have an ego - you're gonna care what other people think!
So does *everyone* else ...
The point is - you do have the choice
whether you're gonna let caring what other people think
imprison you, or not ...
We are capable
(even though we care what other people think)
of caring *more* about our own personal freedom and sense of integrity ... and authenticity ...
Be real and transparent even with the fear that they will think poorly of you
because it 'looks-bad'.
Because honestly, whether it's today or years from now, you *will* come to find that it is too painful (and impossible)
to live any other way ...
Don't believe me?
Just try to look good for two groups of people with opposing values, at the same time -
- 'Welcome to *my* life ...' «laughs»
Being vulnerable means opening yourself up
even in the face of the risk of being hurt,
because the potential payoff
is *greater* than the risk of being hurt.
In order for connection to happen we must allow ourselves to be seen, and felt, and heard.
Our capacity for Love is hidden like a seed
in the vulnerability that we keep so carefully guarded
behind our egos - and our ego's many defenses.
Ask yourself this question:
"If I knew that being hurt was inevitable and that there is no way to avoid it, "
"how would I live my life differently?"
"What risks would I be taking right now, that I haven't been taking?"
My favorite quote of all time
sums up this concept quite well.
This quote is by Anaïs Nin, and it goes like this:
"And the day came, that the risk to stay tight in a bud, was more painful, than the risk it took to blossom ..."
Have a good week ...
♪ Outtro Music ♪
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