One day you stumble across an old video tape- for our younger audience, that's the thing
that movies used to come on- and decide that you don't know what's on it, but you gotta
watch it.
Besides, this thing's practically ancient technology, so you decide to gather up some
friends, buy an old VCR from a pawn shop and get some kicks out of watching this dusty
old antique.
When you play the tape though there's nothing on it but static, and then suddenly there's
what looks like a ring of light at the end of a dark tunnel.
Horrifying images flash by, maggots feasting on rotten food, dead horses on a beach, a
mysterious figure with long black hair over her face.
Then, just like that, it's over.
Confused you fast forward but there's nothing left on the tape, and then suddenly... your
phone rings.
A raspy voice on the other end says two words: “Seveeennn....daaayyyyssss...”.
As a cold chill races up your spine you realize you've really done it now, you've cursed yourself
with death in seven days at the hands of a vengeful ghost.
It’s you up against Samara from The Ring franchise!
So you watched a tape you shouldn't have and now you've got a fight to the death versus
a vengeful phantom in seven days, how in the world are you going to get out of this one?
First is our rule number 1: to fight your enemy you must know your enemy, so let's find
out exactly what you're up against.
Samara was a little girl with a mysterious, and very troubled past.
Some people say that she was the product of sexual assault, while others whisper that
she is the spawn of a sea demon.
Her exact birth may be a mystery, but what is known is that since her birth, Samara was
different.
Born with powerful psychic abilities, Samara had the ability to project images directly
into the minds of those around her.
This was something she did without any control, in fact something she would do without even
being aware of what she was doing.
Shortly after her birth her mother was told by voices in her head that the only way to
purge Samara of the evil spirits inside her was to drown her, and so her mother tried
to do just that in a fountain outside of the Christian hospital where she was born.
Fortunately for Samara- and unfortunately for you- a group of nuns discovered the act
and quickly stopped Samara's mother, who would go on to be institutionalized.
Samara was then adopted by a doting mother and father who were prize-winning horse breeders.
Samara was loved very much but as she grew older, her powers intensified- again, still
without her knowing and with no ability to control them.
At first this would cause occasional horrible images to be projected into the minds of those
around her, but it soon grew in power and began to increase in frequency.
The local townspeople in the small island where she grew up on feared and reviled Samara
for her power, blaming all sorts of bad circumstances on her.
This led to Samara growing up mostly alone on her parent's property, where she spent
most of her time swinging alone by the sea.
As her powers grew in strength and frequency though, even her doting adopted mother began
to grow more distant, terrified by the constant flashes of horrible imagery into her brain
from Samara.
Taken to a psychiatrist, Samara proved her power by burning images onto a piece of blank
tape- it was at this point that her parents decided they needed to lock Samara up to keep
her from harming anyone else.
Sealing her up in the upper level of a horse barn, Samara unleashed a flood of horrible
images into the brains of the horses below her one night, causing the animals to break
out of their stalls and commit suicide by jumping off a cliff.
The psychic attack had struck dozens of horses around the island however, and in total thirty
six animals had died that night.
Her adopted mother, haunted for years by the terrible imagery and now heartbroken over
the death of her horses, finally had enough.
In a fit of rage she smothered Samara with a black plastic bag and then hurled her into
a well, closing the lid behind her.
Remorseful for the murder, her adopted mother would also fling herself off a cliff.
As far as powers go, Samara has the goods with a capital G. She is fueled by pure hate
with an intense desire for revenge, and her psychic powers have only grown stronger in
death.
She is now able to directly control those powers and can manipulate the perceptions
of her victims by making them see things that aren't really there.
She can create images, sounds, even smells that don't actually exist, and typically will
haunt her victims to be during the course of the week leading up to their death, gradually
driving them crazier and crazier.
She is also able to directly attack the mind of an individual though, and it is thought
that this is the method by which she kills- Samara first terrifies her victim to lower
their mental defenses, and then projects a series of horrifying images all at once directly
into their mind, causing a psychic and fear overload which kills the victim instantly.
When it comes to weaknesses, well, there just aren't any that we can think of.
Samara may possibly be the offspring of a sea demon, but she is herself not demonic
in nature.
This means that the typical tools provided for humanity to fight off evil demons and
the such simply wont' work here- holy water, true faith, and religious artifacts will do
nothing to stop Samara.
She is a spirit, which also means that physical weapons and traps won't have any effect on
her whatsoever.
She has no connection to any living individuals, so you can't force a reconciliation between
her and family to calm her murderous rampage.
Even giving her remains a proper burial is not enough to stop the killing.
In short, we hate to break it to you, but this time you're absolutely boned.
So how can you fight off something that can't be killed, is impervious to physical damage,
and can't be dispelled in any way?
Well, let's first start with preparing you for battle- remember you have seven days before
she comes for you, so you'd best be prepared.
The first thing you need to do is start working on your fear response, because Samara literally
uses fear to kill you.
You need to expose yourself to as many terrifying situations as you possibly can, so sell everything
you own because you're going to hit every rollercoaster in driving distance, and when
you're done with that you'll be bungee jumping, skydiving, and going free-diving with wild
sharks.
You have to get your adrenaline pumping and not just make friends with fear, you need
to get into an intimate relationship with fear.
You need to marry fear, hold and cherish fear until death do you part.
So get to doing every crazy thing you've always been too scared to do.
That still won't be enough though, because Samara specifically attacks your mind with
horrifying images- so it's time to steel yourself against the worst visual horrors you can possibly
find.
For the first horror, find a mirror and stare into it.
Just kidding, though you're gonna have to call the doctor now because The Infographics
Show just gave you a sick burn.
On a serious note, you're gonna have to go and find every disgusting, over-the-top, special
effects creature feature you can get your hands on.
The Thing is a classic, and features plenty of horrifying imagery, though 1983's Videodrome
is a notable classic as well.
Perhaps check out some of HR Giger's artwork, who's terrifying imagery inspired the xenomorphs
from the Alien franchise.
Now that you've gotten used to feelings of fear and conquered them, and steeled yourself
with horrible imagery, you have to work on a sense of inner calm.
Take some yoga classes, start saying “namaste” instead of thank you and you're welcome until
you annoy everybody around you and they want to murder you before Samara does.
Adopt a freegan diet and eat nothing that hasn't fallen off a tree naturally, start
listening to Gwyneth Paltrow's absolutely insane, overprivilidged, and out of touch
tips for how to live your best life.
You need to get spiritual like now.
You need that inner peace and inner calm, because Samara is coming to wreck your mind
with a psychic blast of fury and disturbing images.
Ok, you're a zen master with nerves of steel, and you're just in time because it's now Day
7.
It's D-day, Samara day.
She's been waiting patiently, and now she's coming.
What are you going to do?
No, seriously, what are you going to do, because we have no idea.
Our teams of professional researchers, archivists, theoretical physicists, and engineers here
at The Infographics Show have poured over this scenario from top to bottom, and we can't
think of a single valid strategy for defeating Samara.
She literally has no weaknesses or vulnerabilities, and in fact only seems to exist for one thing:
the complete destruction of the human race.
That's why she wants the cursed tape copied by every victim, so that more and more will
exist and she can eventually flood the world with it and kill every living person.
She is rage incarnate and will not be sated until our world is ashes and ruins.
So you'd better get to copying that tape.
You may not defeat her, but at least it'll save your life.
Sort of, because Samara likes to play fast and loose by her own rules, and she's been
known to kill people who copied the tape and made someone else watch it anyways.
You're going to have to prove your worth to Samara, but how do you convince a mass murdering
ghost with extinction on her mind to spare your life?
Simple, you make yourself useful, indispensable even.
Don't just copy the tape once, copy it a dozen times.
Make a dozen people watch it.
Hire out a theater and host a private screening, if you live in LA just market it as a 'networking
event' and hordes of out-of-work actors, writers, and directors will all show up desperate to
talk to someone important.
But the joke's on them, because there is no one important there- there never is- but what
is there is celluloid death.
Your plan is going to be to make yourself so valuable a tool to Samara's ultimate plan
to kill all of humanity, that she just kills you last.
You may not win in the end, but at least you don't lose quite as bad, and that's a victory
you're just going to have to live with.
Think you actually know how to kill Samara?
Let us know in the comments!
Also check out our other video You vs The Nun!
Thanks for watching, see you next time!