(Music)
Like, when I speak to people who are divorced
and I ask them.
When did you know? When did you know? Yeah.
A lot of people are like, my wedding day or like...
Exactly. I knew when I was walking down the aisle
you're like, why did you get married?
Exactly.
I hate when people reach me where I'm like,
why would you get married?
And even way before then.
Forget, the marriage,
that might have been when reality truly hit,
but they allowed themselves to see it,
but then at that point, what are you going to do?
Yeah, you got to follow through
all your family's there, you don't want to be embarrassed.
Exactly, but again,
the reality is
that person saw it way before,
but again, they rationalized past it then
and now they found themselves
in this more difficult position
and they can't do anything about it.
And then they get a divorce a year, two later
if I make it they try to... 25 years later,
I know, listen, I know one couple
who were married for 25 years
after they got divorced
everyone was against it because
on the outside looking in
they'd look like this great couple, all right.
But they were miserable,
all right, behind closed doors.
Well, the wife let me read a letter
that the husband wrote her
before they got married. No way.
I read this letter
and the first thing I say is
why did you ever get married?
It was clear as day in this letter
that you guys should not have taken that step.
What did it say generally, the letter?
It was, it was just in general
calling out all these different
issues and problems.
It was a clear disconnect between the two.
And once I started to learn the real story,
you saw that they did not have
that deep connection.
They were two people who
did not fit together
and what they lacked
was the other thing I was going to bring up
as far as what people need
is balance, all right.
I think too many times were fixated
on equality
and not enough on balance.
Hmm, what's the difference?
The difference is this,
equality is almost like,
all right LeBron
and Dwyane Wade joined together.
They both are alpha males of their team,
they're both superstars, they both can shoot.
There's, there are some level of equality there,
but you know what, they could not win a championship
until one decided
who's going to be the main person here.
It wasn't about equality,
it was about balance, it was about
complementing each other,
learning how to work together,
D Wade or the rest of the team
be able to do the things that,
LeBron can't do everything on his team.
He needs the right players around him.
So, it's the same thing in relationships.
It's not about they have to be able
to do everything we do,
we got to be able to do everything they do.
It's about can we complement each other,
can we balance each other,
can I fit in,
or can I have the strengths
where you have the weaknesses, all right.
And in a way that doesn't conflict
and I believe the conflict part
is when you don't have a connection,
they will conflict.
When there is a connection
that's when you're going to find balance
because now when there's a connection
we embrace our differences...
You can communicate better...
Exactly. You can say, this is what you're really good at
why don't you do more of these things
and let me do these things.
Exactly and
we can find a way to make it
a whole unit. Wow!
That's how we create amazing relationships.
Balance to me is the greatest key.
Balance and connection
you have those two things, you win.
Wow!
You know, and if you look at
most failed relationships
they lack those two things.
Two things connection... And balance.
There might be some forced connection
or they've lost the connection
because it wasn't really...
They never had the connection. It was never
true, it was like the
hype of the connection. Exactly.
The sexual connection
or the resume of this person
or the idea of this person...
Well, it was more so chemistry
like, chemistry is not connection, all right.
Chemistry, chemistry can be created, all right.
And again, so, using the whole
basketball analogy.
A team comes together
you can build chemistry.
We can learn how to work together.
We can learn how to co-exist so to speak,
but that doesn’t mean we really like each other
at a score, all right.
There's the difference.
So, you can have a team where the players
learn to play together
but they still hate each other, all right.
So, they had chemistry...
But no connection. But not connection. Exactly.
When you have connection in relationship
that, that is way more important than chemistry
because the connection
will bring the chemistry.
We will not worry about the chemistry part.
When two people have a connection, they learn.
Exactly.
And it's a rare thing again,
we don't experience that with everybody.
It's something that happens,
you, it's rare to find someone
who can say
they've had that deep genuine connection
more than two times in their life.
If even twice, all right,
it's usually once.
(Laughs)
Wow! But I'm going to give it two times.
And yes, there are going to be some people out there
and say, well, there's billions of people in this world
why could, it's not about,
yes, is it technically possible
maybe so, but you're not going to come
across billions of people in the world.
You're only going to come across
a certain amount of individuals
and in that group of people yes,
you're only going to find that
connection maybe once or twice.
And once you get there
like, once somebody sets the bar
that high in your life
it is very hard...
To go yeah, you have to refine that.
Exactly, you're not going to
feel comfortable anymore
going beneath that. If you do,
you're going to find yourself not at peace
and very miserable in your relationship. Wow!
Connection balance is there anything else
or is those the really the main two things
and then everything else is figure out?
I would, the last thing I'm going to throw in
is attraction.
And the reason I throw it in is because I feel like
in this world we,
we try to shame people
for putting a focus on attraction
and to me it's not about looks.
Looks is about specifically saying
you have to look like this, you have to be this
tall, you have to have this body shape.
I'm not saying looks, I'm saying attraction.
We have to be physically drawn to each other
that's the last ingredient
that takes a relationship from platonic
to romantic.
And that's the ingredient that if you remove it
will make a romantic relationship...
Friends. Exactly friends,
roommates you got people living together...
With no sexual chemistry. Exactly
because why, the attraction is gone,
but if you
bring it back into that relationship,
see how quickly things change. Wow!
That is the ingredient so, we have
to be willing to embrace the fact of
yes, attraction is necessary
one, when we first meet each other,
and we need that
to be more drawn to each other.
But then to maintain and sustain
that great relationship
we can't make excuses
for letting ourselves go.
And understand there's a
difference between aging
and letting yourself go.
A lot of people are letting themselves go
making excuses for it.
I understand life hits us, it's tougher
as we get older yes, but you got to work
to maintain attraction in your relationship.
You let that go to the wayside...
You become friends. Exactly.
How important is sex in a relationship?
Hugely important.
(Laughs)
This is coming from a guy who's abstinent, right?
Yeah, right. Well, you know what to me
I say hugely important
from the standpoint of
I think people have to look at sex
not just from the stand,
from the perspective of pleasure,
but from the perspective of bonding.
I believe it is an opportunity
for two people to grow closer together
and when two people know how to
truly satisfy each other,
it creates an amazing bond.
Deeper connection
better balance.
Exactly. More attraction. Yes,
all of that... And it keeps it going. Exactly
because if you have two
unsatisfied people sexually
you're going to have a problem.
You can't find a relationship where that exist
and they're all happy and everything's great.
It doesn't work that way.
People crave intimacy.
People crave that
level of bonding with each other.
And yes, biologically speaking
we can talk about the needs of a man and a woman
and all these things, but I think even going deeper
spiritually and all that,
sex is important
and we are not taking
enough of a mature approach
to understanding and learning sex.
I think people are very much behind
in their understanding of...
Especially in America, we weren't educated.
Exactly. It's very like,
hush-hush type of thing it's not talked about in schools
your parents, at least most
parents are talking about it.
Mhm. And so, it's like
the moment and it's like let me say something
to just get it out and then, let them figure it out.
Well, and not just that,
a lot of our parents don't know either. Right.
Like, people just don't take time
to get more educated on their bodies,
on sex, on true sexual satisfaction.
There's a lot of lies going on.
I tell people all the time listen,
a lot of women
aren't being sexually satisfied, all right.
But they're lying to their friends,
they're lying to their, to their partners.
So, there's a perception that
everything is all good.
No, it's not,
there's a huge disconnect
between the reality
or the perception of women sexual satisfaction
and the reality of women sexual satisfaction.
And that contributes to a disconnect in marriages,
because again,
if the woman is not satisfied
she now becomes less willing
to be sexually involved with her husband.
Now, he starts to gain resentment
he starts to feel neglected... Starts to wander.
Exactly
and it snowballs from there.
We can't overlook that
and act like everything's going to be fine.
And we can't say well,
you should love them enough to where it doesn't matter.
Listen, we're talking about maintaining
a committed relationship.
That's a part of it
plain and simple.
And we have to learn how to make it
better on both sides
and how to be more honest with each other.
I think if we can learn to be
more honest and transparent
then, we can work on the things that are lacking. Wow!
But people again, they
feel very uncomfortable
speaking about sex,
speaking about their needs,
and constructively criticizing their partners,
we have to learn how...
We don't want to hurt someone, yeah.
Exactly. How often should we be talking
about our sexual needs
in a, in an intimate relationship?
Should it be like, once a month
we sit down and like
schedule it out, what is it like?
Pillow talk every week like, what should be
again, everyone's different but what do you think
is an appropriate amount of time?
Yeah, I think it depends,
so, what jumps in my head I would say
every three months if I had to put a number on it, all right.
But I do think it depends on the couple,
I think more so it's when an issue arises
talk about it.
The key is we have to create environments
where we can have those talks. See again,
we're laying the wrong foundations in our relationships
to where we can't have these open discussions about
sex and other things lacking in our relationship
and we're afraid to push our partners away,
we're afraid to ruffle the feathers or rock the boat,
but if you can't talk to them...
We resent things, right? Exactly
and what happens is you hold it in
and now the negative energy
comes out in other ways
and now, they're confused because of like
why are they giving me this attitude
and they're thinking, like I said earlier
he's thinking it's about the towel.
No, it's not about the towel,
it's really about something else
that you're not telling him.
So, we need to be
more honest and transparent
and we need to create an environment where
we can have this talk. and you're not going to
take it personally to where
you're going to internalize it
or allow it to now throw our relationship off
because you're getting upset
and you're allowing it to you know, have a negative impact.
No, take it as okay,
that's how you feel, cool, let's work on this
how can we make this better?
You know, we have to be serious about
tending to the needs of our partner
if we're going to have successful relationships. Yeah,
there's so many
divorces happening
you know, it's higher than ever,
all right. Yeah. I think it's the
way divorce attorney
on who's talking about how it's
higher than ever.
There's also even more people
who stay married who probably should be divorced
who are unhappy
and so, it sounds like there's a very
small percentage
of married people who've been together for
many years who actually still
thriving in relationship. I'm just,
maybe I'm wrong, maybe there's more,
but it sounds like it, right? Aha.
There's a very small percentage
they're having like this
incredible long lasting
marriages and relationships
and stuff like, have the attraction
and connection and balance and
all these things.
Why do you think that is
and how can we decrease the number of
failed relationships
or is that the wrong question to ask?
No, I think it's a good question. I think
well, one we have to understand
marriage is not the issue,
it's marrying the wrong person
and marrying for the wrong reasons, all right.
And then underline to those things
or is the lack of healing.
Because it's the lack of healing that leads us
into these wrong relationships
and allows us to entertain situations
we should not entertain.
Because again, for example,
if, if you're a guy or a woman,
if you've been through some things and now you think
you don't deserve
that great person,
that great relationship
because your perception of yourself is low.
Now, you're going to just latch on
to whoever comes around
who says I want to be with you
and willing to give you what you want at that moment.
And you're thinking okay, this is safe,
this will work,
let me go ahead and go with it,
but you're never truly into them like that.
It's never going to be
the relationship it needs to be, all right.
But that all stemmed from
your lack of self-worth
because you didn't heal from whatever
traumatized you emotionally before.
So, how do we heal first?
What's that process look like?
So, it's a long process
and I do plan on,
I have a book I'm working on right now
called Finding Love After Heartbreak
and it's going to lay out the entire process,
but so, I'll give a little bit right now
and I'll save the rest for later.
So, one thing is first, we got to get the hurt out.
And so, I have this exercise
I do it on my events
called the who hurt me list.
And so, you get a piece of paper...
You keep writing down your people
like oh, I'm going to...
It happens.
Ask yourself the question,
who hurt me?
And now, every person who comes to mind
write them on that paper,
it doesn't matter if you think you moved past it,
doesn't matter if you think it's small and insignificant.
If they came to mind when you
asked yourself that question,
put them on the paper. Anyone in your life?
Anyone in your life... From childhood friend to your
parents to a lover.
Anyone, anyone, anything
if they come to mind
put them on that list,
because that's how you start to recognize
the pain points in your life.
Now, we see okay, this is where it's coming from
a lot of people have suppressed
what has happened to them
and so, you can't, you can't
address and resolve something that you're not willing to
accept exist in your life.
And the reality is that, just because it was
10 years ago, 20 years ago
it's still lingering within you.
And it's causing a lot of problems,
they cause us a lot of emotional stress,
which then turns into physical ailments
and it just snowball from there...
Tension, anxiety, yeah...
And it's all here
yes, depression. Yeah.
All right, a lot of these things that we
go through in mental health
stems from things that we have not
resolved from our past, all right.
And it's just all contributing to the,
the issues that were experiencing. And then now
and some of us we may not be
experiencing the issues right now,
but we will, it's coming.
It's just festering in you
it's going to come out at some point.
Yeah, so, write a list and,
and think about those moments
and reflect on them or what?
Well, no. So, at that point,
once you get the list
now we can
see the first person and I won't go
too much further but let's just say
you're going to have to go through a process of
getting things off your chest.
We have not released
these things from our spirit,
from our system.
And we need to essentially emotionally detox
and to do that, you've got to get it out.
So, whether you speak in to a recorder,
write a letter or something, and like I said...
Scream in your pillow, right.
Yeah, but I, but I do want like a
full release again,
we don't fully release, all right.
Would you release each person or just
everyone at one time?
So, I would say this,
you want to start with let's say your top three.
Now, I've had clients where
they did their top three
and that kind of, once they got through those
they were able to process everyone differently
to where it wasn't necessary
to do everyone else, all right.
Now, if you have
10 significant experiences
and 10 significant different
people that need to be addressed,
yes, you may have to release
with ten different people.
So, it depends on a person
and that's why something like this
requires a more in-depth process,
we got to talk about things, we got to understand
what about it did you internalize,
how you're seeing it? Because some of it is
changing your mindset, changing your
perception of what happened,
understanding that it wasn't about you
like we said earlier,
hurt people hurt people.
And so, once you understand that
and understand how they behave
and why they behave the way they do,
it changes how you look at things
and how you internalize those situations.
So, there's so much more we got to get into,
but just getting at least that list started...
Is a good start. Well, yes, because
now you at least get to see
okay, here's what it is,
here's what needs to be addressed.
Now, let me get help
to address these things
and start the process of healing
so that I'm not ending up in more
bad situations or bad relationship.
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