- When we aren't in school anymore or working
in a large office with a lot of people or maybe
our kids just don't need us anymore,
once all of that happens,
we can find ourselves having a really hard time
making new friends.
All of the things that used to connect us to others
and enable us to forge new relationships
aren't there anymore.
Maybe we got transferred at work and we're
in a whole new city where we don't really know anybody.
Whatever the cause, today I am going to give you
some tips and tricks and set you up for success
so that you can make new friends as an adult.
(upbeat music)
There are so many new people here and if you're one
of those new people, welcome to the community.
I hope you enjoy the videos but make sure you're subscribed
and have your notifications turned on because I put
out videos twice a week and you don't want to miss them.
But let's jump in to today's topic.
Now the first tip and trick I want to offer up
when you're trying to make new friends as an adult
is to first work on ourselves.
And I know that sounds ridiculous and kind of like
a waste of time because you're saying, Kati, I told you
I need to meet other people.
Why am I spending all this time alone?
I already do that.
But the truth about it is if we've just come through
a time of transition, let's say we used to be
a full time parent and now our kids don't need us
as much anymore or we moved away from everybody we knew
because of a job opportunity.
Whatever the situation, we can come out that other side
of the transition not really knowing who we are
or what we enjoy and often, like I've heard from a lot
of my clients who are just out of college,
it can feel like, well I had this identity as a student
and I was an Economics student and that's what I did
and now that I'm through it and have a different job,
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I don't even know what I like or don't like.
It's okay to feel that way.
No matter what stage of life we're at, we all go
through times of transition.
I's important for us to first acknowledge what we like
and don't like and how we even feel about ourselves
because the most common issue that my clients struggle
with when it comes to meeting new friends and meeting
new people in general is they'll come back and tell me
you know, I couldn't do it because I just
don't feel good about myself.
I don't feel confident enough to go up and say hi
and introduce myself and talk to someone.
All of the work has to start with ourselves.
The first tip within this is to start noticing
the good things in your life.
Notice the things that make you happy, things that you're
proud about, things you've done, you've accomplished.
You feel go.
I want you to write those things down.
I know I talk about this a lot
'cause positive self talk is very important.
It has the ability to change your life, no joke.
So make sure you set aside some time each and every day
and write down or just take the time to think
about three to five things you're either grateful for
or that went well today or
that you feel good about yourself.
If you think your biggest struggle is your
own self confidence, I would encourage you
to challenge yourself to do a whole other list
that's specifically about you, things you're proud of
that are all about you, things you like about yourself.
Focusing in on that can help move us along
in that whole self confidence building aspect
that we're working on.
If that's your biggest struggle, we want to put most
of our emphasis on that.
But if you feel like it's just overall I don't know
who I am, I don't know what I'm about, we want to make sure
that we also note the things in our life that make
us extremely happy and feel, you know, fulfilled.
The next step is to take a calculated risk
based on all of the things that make you happy,
make you feel fulfilled.
I want you to sign up for some new activities,
try something different.
Have you always wanted to play guitar
and never really did it?
Then sign up for that first class, that beginner class.
If you've always wondered what this stand up paddle boarding
thing is that's on Instagram that everybody's doing
and you wanted to see if you could do it, sign up.
Check on Groupon, see if you can get a good deal and do it.
Give yourself the opportunity to try some new things
so that we can find out if in fact,
we actually like those things.
By signing up for new activities and challenging ourselves,
it's not only a great opportunity to meet new people,
people who maybe share your interests, but it also helps
build up our self confidence and help us better understand
who we really are.
Lastly, while you're working on yourself and trying
to figure out who you are, be patient and kind to yourself.
We didn't just wake up one morning and all of a sudden
feel terrible or all of a sudden not know who we are.
These are things that have built over time.
Maybe it's because we always talk nastily to ourselves.
Maybe it's because we haven't ever taken the time
to fully focus on what we like and don't like.
Whatever the reason, we need to be patient with our process
as we sort of re-learn and re-understand ourselves.
Don't feel like there's any pressure to all of a sudden
put yourself out there and now you're going
at it full force.
You can be patient.
You can dislike the first activity you sign up for
or maybe not even show up.
Just give yourself the time, give yourself the patience
that you need to take the risks when you feel safe doing so.
Now the second portion of advice that kind of rolls
off of the first is once you understand what you like
and who you are and you feel good about it,
you've maybe tried out a few groups or a few events
and activities just to see, now that we know what we like
and don't like, join those groups for good.
Set up regular meetings with people who share in the things,
the activities and things that you enjoy.
This could be checking Groupon.
Like I said, I know that sounds silly, but when Groupon
has something that goes on, there are certain days
you can usually book said activities.
So that means that all the people who are also looking
for good deals just like you, may show up at that exact day
and time to try out the activity.
Also, there's a whole thing online called Meetup.
You can find people in your area that share your interests,
whether that's, I want to go on hikes with my dog,
or I want to be at the water or I want to walk around town.
I really like coffee, who knows.
There's a group for everybody.
Also you can check in with your local church,
if that's something you're involved in.
There's always activities there, as well as at any
of your public, local areas.
They have different events at different times of year.
Make sure you know about them,
sign up and do them regularly.
And my third piece of advice for making new friends
as an adult, is reconnection.
So many of my clients tell me that their biggest concern
or their biggest regret is not keeping in touch with
one of those close friends they had in high school
or college or that really good friend at work.
And when they moved or graduated or changed jobs
in some fashion, they just lost touch and people
get really upset about that.
You can miss those relationships.
If those relationships were good, which I am assuming
that they were, take an opportunity to reconnect.
Sure we all have people who are assholes in our life.
Those aren't the people I'm talking about.
If there was just someone that you just kind of lost touch
with and you aren't really sure why,
consider that relationship, look back on it
and if it was one that gave you joy, make time to reconnect.
If we don't take the opportunity and the risk
of putting ourselves out there and trying to reconnect
with someone, we won't get the reward of being able
to have them as a friend anymore.
I always tell myself when I'm doing something new
that's kind of scary and it's making me
a little uncomfortable, I always say, you know what,
without any risk, there's no reward.
If we don't ask, we're not going to know the answer.
So I challenge you, reach out, reconnect with someone
that you've been missing and that you wish
you'd stayed in touch with.
The fourth tip that I have, say yes!
I know that sounds crazy and you're like,
say yes to what, Kati, but back when I was
in graduate school, and actually, the summer
that I met Sean, my friend, Jen, and I decided
this was going to be the summer of yes.
If someone asks us if we want to go to the beach
for a bonfire, hell yes!
Our new friend is playing music at this place downtown,
yes, we will be there, sign me up!
We're going to go on this really crazy hike
in this place we don't know, I'm gonna do it.
We decided it was going to be the summer of yes
and I have to tell you, it was the best summer of my life.
I tried new things.
I met new people.
I met my now husband, as a mater of fact.
But give yourself the opportunity to say yes.
I've heard from a lot of you that you feel isolated
because for years, maybe you've been saying no
and people have been inviting you, but you're just
not sure and I don't know and so we don't
return people's calls, we don't respond to texts
and we kind of just shut down and push people away.
Now obviously, all of this, this say yes and making
new friends isn't taking into consideration those of you
who struggle with social anxiety.
If you find socializing in general to just be too much,
you want to shut down, you have to back out,
you're like nope, nope, nope, nope and we go home, right?
If you struggle with that, I would encourage you
to see a professional.
They can give you tips and tricks and tools and better ways
to manage and overcome those symptoms.
But for those of you who don't struggle with social anxiety,
set aside maybe a month, maybe February is the month of yes
and challenge yourself to do different things
and meet new people.
My fifth and final tip for making friends
as an adult, follow up.
Did you just meet someone that you really like?
Text them right away, set up the next hangout,
see if they want to grab coffee or lunch.
We're adults now.
We're also not trying to date these people.
These are people we want to make as friends,
so there's no like wait three days or any kind
of crazy stuff to be cool, play cool.
You don't have to play cool anymore.
We want to make friends.
Friends like to see friends.
Friends like to do things.
If you like them and you want to hang out
with them again, set it up.
Don't wait.
You could even take it so far as creating your own group.
Let's say on Meetup, you went on a hike and the next one
for that group isn't scheduled for five or six weeks.
What's to stop you from planning one in between
with the people that you connected with and you really like
and encourage them to invite more people because being
the group leader not only allows you to do it
on your own schedule, but it gives you the contact info
for new people so that you can reach out to them
if you want to foster new relationships.
But it just allows you more opportunity to meet more people
and to do things that you really enjoy.
Last I just want to say this
because I think it's really important.
Make sure that we open up to people and share things
that are personal at our own pace.
This doesn't mean that we are going to just dump everything
onto them right away, nor does it mean that we're going
to shut down and not say anything.
Relationships are give and take so make sure that you
are giving to the relationship, meaning if they need
someone to call when they're having a hard time,
that you're there.
But that you also call them and you depend on them as well,
because relationships are about balance and you want
each person in the relationship to benefit from it.
Just take note and make sure that you're getting
out of it what you need as well as giving to it.
This video has been brought to you
by the Kinions on Patreon.
If you would like to support the creation
of these mental health videos, click the link
in the description and check it out.
I hope you found that helpful.
This got voted on so much on Patreon, so I know
that a lot of us out there are struggling
to meet new people and make friends.
If you have any other tips and tricks or ways
that you opened up and met new people,
leave it in the comments.
Together we can work towards a healthy mind
and a healthy body and I'll see you next time.
Bye.