Transcriber: Carolina Nunes Reviewer: Trang Phạm
Ten years ago when I first met Rupinder,
she was so excited to tell me about her recent marriage
and how much she loves her new family.
She moved into the home of her husband, his parents, his grandparents, his sister,
her husband and their two kids.
Generational cohabitation.
There is no way I’d ever want to do that,
but I had to ask her.
Rupinder, so many people, how does it all work?
Oh, Dr. Tanya, the beauty of our family is that it’s built
on a foundation of harmony and cooperation.
Together, we maintain the house,
we support each other, help raise the kids,
cook wonderful meals.
And, in my opinion,
the smartest thing we do is that we pool our resources together
and we make diversified family investments.
No.
(Laughter)
Yes, we do.
It’s our ancient cultural tradition.
It’s an empowering way to live.
It works for us.
You’re Chinese.
Don’t you do this too?
Yes, I am
but no, I don’t.
I have lost touch with this ancient tradition
which is ironic, being a doctor of traditional Chinese medicine.
In the past, all families, regardless of heritage, generationally cohabited.
We didn't have senior homes or child daycare centers.
Family took care of family.
Now, I know this isn’t for everyone, and I can see how it works for some.
But for me, I was never sure.
I mean, all I could think about was miscommunications,
a lack of privacy, a lack of boundaries.
Is it all even worth it?
I had my doubts.
Perhaps it was just a matter of timing.
Seven years ago, when I was 49, my marriage ended
and I felt heartbroken and deflated.
My sprightly mum came to rescue me.
She swiftly moved me out of my marriage home
and right back into my childhood bedroom.
(Laughter)
I mean, at first I resisted.
I mean, I never wanted to move back in with my mom.
I had way too much pride.
How did I end up back here?
But for some people, you know,
it could have been a loss of a job or an injury or an illness or a pandemic.
For me, it was divorce, and the grief exhausted me.
My mom cooked for me
and she made me tea and she listened to me
and then she judged me.
(Laughter)
And gave me unsolicited advice.
(Laughter)
Oh, you look so pale.
Put some lipstick on.
That’s the Chinese way of saying I love you.
(Laughter)
I cried and then I laughed and put my lipstick on.
And then she held my hand.
Together, we’re stronger.
Yeah, Mom, you’re right.
And then she showed me her fist.
Mom, what are you doing?
It’s a fist bump.
All the kids are doing it now.
Okay.
Boom.
And then it became our thing.
Three years later.
You know, what started out as a temporary arrangement
ended up being something a little more permanent.
I mean, I could hear Rupinder’s voice in my head.
It’s an empowering way to live.
It works for us.
Well, we adjusted to our new life
and we worked on our relationship,
adult to adult, instead of mother and child.
Harmonious communication.
It had to start with me.
Do you want to know what I did?
Yeah?
I stopped reacting defensively
and I shut up and I started listening.
And I realize that my mom is human
and we are perfectly imperfect.
We pooled our resources together and we made investments
and we renovated the house.
Mom got the top floor.
I got the bottom floor.
Privacy.
We invested in soundproof ceilings and walls.
Yeah,
because my 4′10″ mom has a huge screen TV,
and she loves watching football, basketball and hockey.
Yeah, all loud.
Like it’s Live.
And I like to meditate and listen to classical music.
I know some of you might be thinking, are they really related?
Yeah.
There is also this open door policy
in our home that was never communicated to me
and only existed in the mind of my mom.
She would just open the door,
walk right in and poke her head in my bedroom.
Morning, hungry? Want some eggs?
Oh, Mom.
Boundaries, not much.
The next day,
she opened the door, walked right in.
But then she took her knuckles
and she knocked.
All along the wall of my hallway.
(Laughter)
Is that better?
(Laughter)
Pancakes?
(Laughter)
The most annoying thing that I do to my mom
is that I tell her that I love her all the time.
Hey, Mom.
What?
Love you.
Ah. Stop it.
(Laughter)
It is the annoying thing we’re going to miss the most
when her loved ones are gone.
The year 2020,
the global pandemic.
Everybody knows what happened.
I have a patient of mine who lives in a small condo complex with six suites.
Ten strangers became each other’s chosen family
and they took care of each other.
Some of my patients lost their jobs
and they ended up moving back in with their aging parents.
And some move their parents in with them
so that they can safely isolate.
Today, most of them are still living together and they feel so grateful.
I held their hands and I cheered them on.
Together we’re stronger.
We also lost a lot of loved ones.
And this is one of the reasons why I wanted to share my story with you today.
You see, the pandemic made me realize that life is short
and there is no better time than now
to take care of each other.
Sometimes I reflect on how I used to feel.
Do you remember when I wasn’t sure if this was for me,
even though it obviously works for some?
Now, I know this works for me,
and this has been my shift in thinking.
The ancient, cultural tradition
of generational cohabitation,
shows us that living, loving and caring for each other is possible.
It can empower families.
Blood families.
Chosen families.
This process has not been easy.
It has been a lot of heart work.
But the rewards have been so great.
If you have an opportunity to be mutually supportive
and to generously cohabitate.
Then with all of my heart.
I encourage you to consider.
Perhaps it’s just a matter of timing.
(Applause)