( APPLAUSE )
WELCOME BACK!
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN, ACTOR AND A
BEST-SELLING AUTHOR.
HER LATEST BOOK IS "PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED IN YOUR OUTSIDE
CLOTHES."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" PHOEBE ROBINSON!
♪ ♪ ♪
>> WE DID IT!
>> Stephen: I HAVE TO ASK, I'M GOING TO-- I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
ASK WHY DO YOU HAVE A PIECE OF SLATE IN YOUR HAND?
ARE YOU A ONE-ROOM SCHOOL TEACHER?
ARE YOU ABOUT TO TEACH ME MY ARITHMETIC?
WHAT IS THAT?
>> STEPHEN, I LOVE FREE THINGS, AND THIS WAS IN THE GREEN ROOM.
IT HAD SOME CHEESE ON IT AND BREAD.
I ATE IT.
>> Stephen: THE CHEESE AND THE BREAT BREAD.
>> I ATE.
I SAID, THIS IS REALLY CUTE, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>> CAN I-- CAN I TAKE THIS HOME WITH ME?
>> Stephen: SURE, OF COURSE!
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: I'M NEVER GOING TO SAY NO ON TELEVISION.
>> THANK YOU.
YES!
>> Stephen: THIS IS A NICE LITTLE CHEESE BOARD.
>> IT IS NICE.
>> Stephen: AND YOU COULD ROOF A HOUSE WITH IT.
>> YES.
IT'S PERFECT.
SO THANK YOU FOR THIS LOVELY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
>> Stephen YOU'RE WELCOME.
DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP IT ON THE OTHER CHAIR OR KEEP IT HERE
UNTIL WE'RE READY?
>> I'LL KEEP IT ON THE CHAIR.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE AFRAID YOU WON'T GET IT BACK.
YOUR BIRTHDAY IS A THEME OF OUR TALKS.
THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON HERE, YOUR BIRTHDAY PASSED RECENTLY,
AND YOU ACTUALLY SHARED WITH ME A COOKIE YOUR FRIENDS HAD GIVEN
YOU BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS GO SEE U2?
>> ON MY BIRTHDAY.
THEY'RE MY FAVORITE BAND AND I FLY AROUND THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: YOUR FRIENDS GAVE YOU A BONO-SHAMED COOKIE, BUT
WHEN IT ARRIVED THEY ALL SAID IT LOOKED LIKE ME.
>> IT LOOKS LIKE YOU!
>> Stephen: WE ATE IT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS YEAR?
>> WE'RE GOING OUT TO DINNER, YOU'RE INVITED, AT SOME FRENCH
PLACE LE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
AND I'M HERE WITH YOU DOING "COLBERT."
NO SEXUALLY.
KEEP IT CLEAN!
>> Stephen: OF COURSE WE WILL.
CBS.
YOUR NEW BOOK IS "PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED IN YOUR OUTSIDE
CLOTHES.
THE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT-- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT IS AN "OUTSIDE CLOTHES."
>> WHAT YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW, IF YOU STEP OUTSIDE AND A
PARTICLE OF AIR TOUCHES YOUR FABRIC, IT IS OFFICIALLY OUTSIDE
CLOTHES, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> YES!
STEPHEN!
ARE YOU OUT HERE IN THE STREETS, AND YOU'RE GOING BACK HOME, AND
YOU'RE JUMPING INTO BED WITHOUT CHANGING YOUR CLOTHES?
>> Stephen: YOU SAY "DON'T SIT ON MY BED."
>> YES.
YOU CAN'T SIT ON ANYTHING IN MY HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER )
MY CLOTHES WHEN I COME INTO YOUR HOUSE?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
>> BRING AN OVERNIGHT BAG WITH A CHANGE-- I'M KIDDING.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
SERIOUSLY, THIS IS A RULE MY PARENTS HAD GROWING UP, AND IT
REALLY STUCK WITH ME.
WHEN I WENT TO COLLEGE, I GOT MY ROOM ESSENTIALS, BEDDING FROM
TARGET.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND PEOPLE WANTED TO COME OVER.
SHOUT OUT TO ESSENTIALS, CAN I GET A SPONSORSHIP?
PEOPLE WANTED TO COME OVER, AND I WOULD FREAK OUT ABOUT PEOPLE
SITTING ON MY BED.
I WAS LIKE, YOU CAN HAVE ONE BUTT CHEEK ON AND THE OTHER HAS
TO DANGLE OFF.
>> Stephen: WOW, OKAY.
SO JUST A QUICK CHANGE INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE AND
CLEANER.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: KIND OF LIKE YOU'RE WORKING AT SOME SORT OF
NUCLEAR FACTORY.
YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO CHANGE.
NOW, YOU ALSO-- YOU DEDICATE YOUR BOOK TO YOUR PARENTS, WHICH
IS LOVELY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: BUT ALSO TO MICHAEL B. JORDAN.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHY, WHY TO MICHAEL B. JORDAN?
>> BECAUSE HE'S VERY HOT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS TRUE.
>> I MEAN, HUGE.
>> Stephen: THIS IS TRUE.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
SO I JUST WAS LIKE IT'S ONLY FITTING FOR THIS BOOK, AND HE
COMMENTED ON MY INSTAGRAM.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> SO I'M LEAVING MY BOYFRIEND.
THAT IS WHAT-- SORRY, BABE.
>> Stephen: IF MICHAEL B.
JORDAN WAS WEARING HIS OUTSIDE CLOTHES, COULD HE SIT ON YOUR
BED?
JUST SIT.
( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE COULD.
I WOULD SAY YOU AND MICHAEL B.
JORDAN, YOU ARE THE TWO.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE THIS THING "THIRSTY THURSDAY" ON INSTAGRAM.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHERE YOU HIGHLIGHT HOLLYWOOD HOTTIES.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND YOU-- AND YOU WAX WHAT YOU CALL-- WHAT'S THE
WORD?
>> WAX HOETIC.
>> Stephen: THIS IS ONE YOU DID RECENTLY.
THERE'S YOUR MAN, MICHAEL B.
JORDAN.
GIVE US A TASTE OF WHAT WAXING HOETIC IS.
>> MY PARENTS DO NOT KNOW I DO THIS.
>> Stephen: GIVE ME YOUR BEST...
>> WHATEVER YOU FEEL■ COMFORTABL WITH.
>> Stephen: "HIS SKIN IS ALWAYS GLISTENING LIKE A PLATE
THE SHORT RIBS AT A COOKOUT.
PLUZ HE'S GOT THE KIND OF SMILE AND DISMS THAT MAKE YOU NOT READ
THE FINE PRINT AND SIGN A SHADY CONTRACT ANYWAY.
AND THOSE ABS!
HE HAS, LIKE, EIGHT OF THOSE.
MEANWHILE, I HIT UP NICOLAS CAGE FROM "NATIONAL TREASURE" TO SEE
IF WE COULD FIND ONE AB ON ME.
BASICALLY MICHAEL IS PHYSICAL PERFECTION AND TALENTED ACTOR
AND PRODUCER AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,s BLAH, BLAH."
HOW DOES 57-YEAR-OLD PAUNCHY MIDDLE-AGED GUY GET ON THE
THIRSTY THURSDAYS?
>> YOU KNOW YOU'RE CUTE.
I WILL DO ONE-- I'M GOING TO DO ONE FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU WILL?
>> I WILL DO ONE FOR YOU.
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE BONO THIS YEAR BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ON TOUR
BECAUSE OF COVID, WE GOT YOU YOUR OWN LITTLE VISIT WITH BONO.
>> OH, MY GOD!
THAT IS SO CUTE!
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> I LOVE THAT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, AND IT'S ALWAYS LOVELY TO HAVE YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY.
>> OF COURSE, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
THE BOOK IS "PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED IN YOUR OUTSIDE CLOTHES"
IS IN STORES NOW.
SHE'S PHOEBE ROBINSON, EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE ANITA HILL AND THE STAR
OF "THE MANY SAINTS OF NEWARK," ALESSANDRO NIVOLA.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!