[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Wow.
Hi, how are you?
[MIMICS CHEER]
Thank you.
Just like-- it's just like being at home.
I'm telling you.
When I walked in the door every night,
my wife is [MIMICS CHEER] and so it's like being at home.
Well, Ellen is not here.
It's me.
Feast your eyes on this.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to be totally honest with you
right off the bat.
This is a very big production and I got a call a week ago
and said, would you do Ellen on Tuesday?
And I said, I'd love to.
I don't listen and I thought I was a guest.
[LAUGHTER]
No, that's not funny because I am not prepared to host.
I didn't-- they didn't say--
I said I'll be here, and they kept talking
and I'm thinking they wanted to go over what I wanted
and I have nothing.
[LAUGHTER]
I have nothing.
Why does she need the day off?
What is this?
Anybody know what she's doing?
They said she's at home.
I would imagine, knowing Ellen, she's buying a home.
She's not at home.
Ellen already has four homes.
Do you know that?
She has four homes and I know how much she loves games,
so this is what I thought.
I thought She figured it out.
If you buy five houses, you get a hotel.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
Right?
Remember that?
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
Please sit down.
It wasn't that fantastic.
You at home can't see, but everything I do,
they just stand up and they roar for.
This is Halloween week, Halloween week.
[CROWD ROARS]
All right.
You see?
You seem more excited than--
I don't like Halloween.
I don't like costumes.
I don't.
And I'll tell you.
I'm thrilled to be here, but nobody's
more thrilled to have me here than my wife-- who is at home.
She loves me out of the house, and right now we're
going through a little bit of an issue--
and it started Saturday.
Last Saturday, we had a costume party and a Halloween party.
Anybody here go to Halloween parties this past weekend?
[SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
So my wife said, we have a party, and I hate costumes
but I'm lucky enough to be in this business
so I was at one of the studios.
And I went into the costume department, and I said,
what do you have?
And they just happened--
I didn't think.
The first thing there was the wolf and the three little pigs.
So I grabbed two of the costumes.
I grabbed the wolf and a pig.
And we were going out on Saturday night.
And I started getting ready.
I put on the wolf costume and my wife put on (HESITANTLY)
the other costume.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
And we're about to leave.
And like my wife constantly does,
regardless of where we're going or what she's wearing,
she says to me-- she turns to me,
(EMPHASIZES) in this outfit, (NORMALLY) and says,
does this make me look fat?
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
And I said, because honesty is the best policy,
I said, honey, you're a pig.
[LAUGHTER]
We didn't go to the party.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
We did not go.
[APPLAUSE]
Please sit down.
This is crazy.
Is it always like this for Ellen?
Always with the standing and the?
This is what a--
you are the best audience in the world.
This is amazing.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHING OFF-SCREEN]
You have some big news.
True.
Well, it's not big news.
I watch you.
I watch you online, on TikTok--
Right.
--and all that.
And I saw your wife--
Yes, she's having a baby.
How close?
I mean, it's--
How close?
[INTERPOSING VOICES] we down to the hour, at this point, man.
It's just like--
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
It's just--
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Wow.
Like it's going to be a miracle, if I'm here
by the end of the show.
You know what I mean?
She could be crowning right now, as we speak?
That makes me-- That--
Isn't that weird?
--stresses me out.
Yeah.
That-- I'm sorry buddy.
But it's so weird that you're here doing a production,
and she's at home doing a reproduction.
That's right.
[LAUGHS]
But you have-- This is going to be your--
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, please, Sit down.
Be our third, yeah.
That's not necessary.
[LAUGHING]
This is going to be your third?
This'll be our third, Yeah.
How old are your children?
So we have an 11-year-old, 3-year-old, and--
Does your wife let you stay with the three-year-old by yourself?
Like, are you allowed to take care of--
Yeah.
Of course.
Yeah.
Really?
Absolutely.
Of course?
Yeah, of course.
I wasn't-- not allowed to.
Were you not?
[LAUGHING]