[ spooky ♪ ♪ ]
Hello and boo.
I'm R.L Stine. Did I scare you?
I'm told I can be quite startling.
- [ glass shatters, cat meows ] - Unless you've been living under
a gravestone for the past 25 years, you've probably heard of my
spooky children's book series Goosebumps.
Tonight I have a special treat for all of you Bump Heads out there.
In honor of Halloween, Funny or Die has asked me to debut
3 previously unreleased Goosebumps tales that were
too spooky for my publisher, too terrifying for Saturday morning TV,
and too [bleep] up for a Jack Black movie.
- Isn't that right Slappy? - [Slappy] Oh yeah baby.
Look at the wood screws on her.
Slappy, some kids might be watching.
Hey, why do you think they call me Slappy? [giggles]
Hey...
Cut it out! I'm not water proof.
You're already warped.
Our first tale is about a popular tech company unveiling a sleek
new line of Halloween costumes.
It's entitled, Keynote Speeches Can Be Murder.
[ crowd applauding ]
Hello! Yeah! Hello everyone.
Hi! Hi, Al Gore. [chuckling]
I love that guy.
You know, I just gotta say this, Apple's freakin' neat idn't it?
I think it's pretty freakin' neat.
Now, what I'm about to show you is the next chapter in Apple's store,
and we hope it's a spooky one.
- [ audience laughs ] - Let me explain.
Now we all know that classic ghost costume, right?
It's iconic. It's comforting.
But now...
it's obsolete.
Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Apple Ghost Costume.
[ audience cheers ]
All right! Give it up!
Woo, woo, woo, woo!
The Ghost Costume is the greatest advancement in costume technology
in the history of the world.
Heck, it could be the greatest achievement in Apple's history.
- Oh God! - [ audience laughs ]
I knew he was coming out here and he still spooked me.
Now, we removed the eye holes, as you can see, so it's more sleek.
See, what this does is it takes the idea of a child's costume,
and it elevates it to high fashion.
We understand that seeing is important.
That's why we installed this tiny pin camera right here
that provides stunning quality black and white video
of everything that's in front of you.
Hi ghost! Hi!
- Doesn't talk much does he? - [ audience laughs ]
Why don't you wander around while I tell the people more about the Ghost Costume.
At a mere .00047 inches Apple Ghost Costume is
the thinnest product Apple has made to date.
Apple Ghost Costume will come in 7 distinct colors:
White, Cream, Pearl, Black,
Jet Black, Black Black,
and Rose Gold.
Apple Ghost Costume starts at just $349 for the spooky model,
$499 for the sexy model,
and our unnecessarily overpriced edition comes in at a modest $1599,
which ain't bad if you're rich.
- [ audience laughs ] - Apple Ghost Costume is
available for pre-order today--
- [ audience cheers ] --And will ship in early 2017
just in time for Valentines Day.
We think you'll love Ghost Costume, but for now as is our custom for some reason,
here's a musical act. Ladies and gentleman, John Mayer!
♪ ♪
Man, he must've really bumped his head.
The end.
That wasn't about murder.
Hey, you try coming up with spooky titles all the time.
Eh, I wish you could buy those Ghost Costumes I.R.L.
You R.L? No. I R.L
R.L. Stein the Goosebumps author.
[Slappy] Get with the times Bob.
I.R.L means "In Real Life".
And how come you don't know grammar?
Slappy, you never introduced me to your grammar.
You're about as funny as termites.
I warned you, don't sass me.
- Aaah! - Besides,
I know plenty of hip internet lingo.
How else could I have written this next bone chilling tale
about that feeling you get When Bae Asks You To Scratch Her Back.
- [ crickets chirping ] - [ soft ♪ ♪ ]
Dear, would you mind scratching my back?
Sure thing honey.
Harder.
Oh, okay. I was going pretty hard already.
- [scratch ] - Oh. Jesus babe, I broke through the skin.
Don't you stop Dave!
[ pleasing sigh ]
Oh yeah. That's the spot.
- Ahh, I love you. - I love you too honey.
Yeees! Oh, so good.
Okay.
Aaaah.
Honey... Okay, I'm pretty sure I just hit bone.
We should stop there.
Shut up you wimp and keep scratching!
Okay.
Aaah, yeah.
Okay. I'm officially inside your back.
Aaah, yeah you are, and you better not stop.
Keep going.
What's this?
Wait, it's my missing issue of Engineering Weekly.
You said that was lost in the mail.
Magic eight ball. Will I be happy?
How is this even possible?
I thought we said no fast food.
Oh, it's just some lint honey.
Hey, Mr. Munchkin.
You said he was run over by an ice cream truck.
You paid more attention to that dumb dog than you ever did to me!
- Get to scratching. - Okay.
[ indistinct talking on TV ]
Two hands!
Did you seriously just drop the remote into my back hole Dave?
- Sorry honey. I'll find it. - [ she sighs ]
Found it.
- [ heart beating ] - Oh. Shit!
Did you seriously just kill me Dave?
Look, you were only dead for a couple of seconds, and...
Look! I found the remote.
You are worthless.
You can't even scratch my back without killing me.
You're nothing but shit Dave.
- A huge pile of shit! - Honey, look, it's your favorite show.
House Hunters.
Oh, I like those touches on the tile.
[ retching ]
What's the matter Slappy, can't stand a little gore?
- [Slappy] Oh, that is disgu-- - [ continues to retch ]
Here, clean yourself up.
[stammers] I'm drowning here. Throw me a life raft.
- Just shut your wooden mouth. - [ continues to retch ]
Don't pay any attention to him.
Our final book of the evening is less of a book
and more of a song. Which explains why it was rejected as a book.
Anyway, it's a heartbreaking tale I like to call,
My Big Fat Lonely Pumpkin.
♪ Who am I ♪
♪ I am the biggest boy ♪
♪ The biggest pumpkin in the patch ♪
♪ The saddest pumpkin in the patch ♪
♪ You pose with me for a photo ♪
♪ But you'd never take me home ♪
♪ I would never fit ♪
♪ In your Prius ♪
♪ Who could ever love a beast ♪
♪ A beast of a gourd ♪
♪ You only want the small sexy pumpkins ♪
♪ The ones you use for a centerpiece pumpkins ♪
♪ I'm the misshapen ♪
♪ I'm grotesque ♪
♪ I'm a Barb ♪
♪ But more how they treat her on a show ♪
♪ The scariest part of Halloween is the clinical depression ♪
♪ Your child tried to climb me ♪
♪ But never asked if that's okay ♪
♪ I want to be touched, but not like that ♪
♪ Please respect my pumpkin body ♪
♪ I am a man who [bleep] pumpkins ♪
♪ I just wanted to interject ♪
♪ I'm good now, thanks ♪
Hey sexy pumpkin. What's your name?
♪ Have a happy Halloween ♪
♪ I know I won't ♪
♪ Just wanted to make something clear ♪
♪ I said I [bleep] pumpkins ♪
♪ But I would not [bleep] that pumpkin ♪
♪ Thanks ♪
[pumpkin] That was a human pervert.
Mr. Stine?
R.L.!
What? I read it for the articles.
That does it for this year's Funny or Die Halloween Anthology.
Thank you to our sponsors, Nickelodeon Gak and regular Game Boy,
and to my roommate Slappy for letting us film in here.
350 million books sold and he still can't afford his own place.
Give me a break Slappy.
Cut it out! This is abuse.
Happy Halloween kids.