Good day YouTube, Brad Browning here… welcome to another of my marriage saving advice videos.
This time around, I’ll be talking about jealousy, and how to control jealousy in your
relationship.
This is a huge topic that definitely can’t be covered fully in a single video, so I’m
just going to scratch the surface and give you some key tips for dealing with jealousy.
You probably won’t be surprised to hear that jealousy is an issue for many, many married
couples.
In fact, a recent study of Canadian marriage counselors found that one third of all couples
who attended counseling cited jealousy as a primary cause of their marriage problems.
So, clearly, jealousy is a major problem for a lot of married couples.
Let’s talk about some ways you can keep jealousy issues in check and avoid it from
damaging your marriage.
Before we jump into that, though, I want to explain the difference between normal, healthy
jealousy -- the kind of benign jealousy that’s present in almost every romantic relationship
-- and unhealthy jealousy, which is often irrational and highly toxic to a marriage.
Healthy jealousy stems from a sincere care and commitment to a relationship.
This is the kind of completely natural jealousy that we all suffer from occasionally… and
it’s not something you should be worried about.
Recognize that it’s perfectly normal to feel a jolt of jealousy when you see your
partner laughing and enjoying a conversation with someone of the opposite sex… we feel
these kind of emotions because we’re invested in the relationship with our partners, and
we are essentially ‘guarding our territory’.
It’s when people begin to act on these emotions, or when jealousy becomes irrational, that
things move into the ‘unhealthy’ sphere.
Irrational jealousy is more serious and tends to be a chronic issue that can erode the fabric
of a marriage.
If your marriage is on a downhill slide as a result of jealousy problems, please visit
my website, www.MarriageGuy.com, and watch the free presentation on the homepage.
In it, I reveal some little-known facts about marriage and offer some tips on how to begin
re-building a healthier, happier marriage… one free of jealousy that will stand the test
of time.
Again, the URL to watch that free video is MarriageGuy.com.
OK, so, let’s talk about irrational jealousy… the kind of jealousy that’s really bad news
for any relationship.
This kind of jealousy can have a lot of different causes, usually related to insecurity of low
self-esteem.
I’m not going to go into the psychology behind it, but it’s important to note that
most people who develop jealousy issues often have underlying insecurities resulting from
past experiences.
Whatever the cause may be, if YOU are the person who struggles with jealousy issues,
then you have the ability to make changes to your behaviour that will put these problems
to rest.
The first step is to acknowledge your jealousy issues and the damage they’re causing to
your marriage.
Since you’re watching this video right now, then I assume you’ve done this already,
so congratulations on taking the big first step towards resolving them.
The second step is to recognize that, in most cases, your feelings of jealousy are irrational….
in other words, they’re unwarranted.
Unless your spouse has actually admitted to infidelity, or you’ve caught them in the
act, then your jealousy is irrational.
Recognize that your jealous feelings aren’t based on reality… they’re stemming from
underlying insecurities and not from actual behaviours of your spouse.
Once you’ve accepted that you’re feeling jealous for no good reason, then it can be
a bit easier to control those feelings and stop yourself from acting on them.
Every time you feel jealous about something -- for instance, when your spouse is texting
someone of the opposite sex you haven’t met -- remind yourself that your jealousy
is baseless and irrational.
You’ve probably texted someone of the opposite sex recently too, right?
And I’m guess it wasn’t because you were secretly having an affair with that person.
The same is almost certainly true for your spouse, so there’s absolutely no reason
to think that they’re doing anything shady or cheating on you.
Until you have clear evidence that proves otherwise, you must remind yourself that all
feelings of jealousy are irrational and unwarranted.
Realizing that your feelings of jealousy are actually really dumb is an important step
in the right direction, but the most important step is what you do next.
No matter how intense your feelings of jealousy are, you absolutely must internalize them
and avoid acting on them.
Do whatever it takes to keep yourself from acting on jealous feelings…
literally bite your tongue, tell a friend in confidence, write down your feelings in
a private diary…
it really doesn’t matter, as long as you’re not doing something destructive as a result
of your jealousy.
Again, when jealousy hits, remind yourself that these emotions you’re feeling are irrational
and that acting on them will damage your marriage.
You can also sit down with your partner and have a mature, civilized discussion about
jealousy.
There are often things you can both do to help keep any jealousy issues in check.
Perhaps you get jealous when your spouse goes out with coworkers every Friday night, for
example…
instead of getting angry and trying to stop your partner from attending these work get-togethers,
you can share your feelings with your spouse and ask if you can tag along one Friday to
help alleviate your concerns.
Make sure your spouse knows that you understand the irrational nature of your jealous feelings,
and they’ll likely be willing to take steps to help you reign in those emotions.
Building a strong level of trust between you and your partner is very important in any
marriage, and it’s also extremely important to controlling jealousy issues, as you might
imagine.
I’m not going to discuss building trust in depth here in this video, but it’s obviously
a crucial aspect of reigning in jealous problems.
Please visit my website, MarriageGuy.com, for more advice on building trust and strengthening
the bond with your partner to ensure your marriage lasts until death do you part.
Finally, let’s move on and briefly talk about what to do if your partner is the one
who struggles with jealousy issues.
If you do have a jealous spouse, then the first thing to do is to assess whether or
not you’re doing something that’s causing these feelings.
Are you an extremely private person, for example, who prefers to keep emails and text messages
confidential from your spouse?
Or do you avoid checking in with your spouse when you’re out of town on business?
There’s a number of possibilities, so take a good hard look at your own behaviours and
try to identify things you might be doing or saying that could be contributing to your
partner’s jealousy.
Then, talk with them about these issues and consider making changes to help alleviate
your spouse’s concerns.
Even if you feel like you’re not doing anything wrong -- for example, using the scenario I
mentioned earlier about going out for drinks after work with colleagues every Friday -- consider
stopping that activity temporarily to show your commitment to the marriage and your partner’s
feelings.
Explain to your spouse that you feel like their jealousy is unwarranted, but that you’re
willing to take a break from whatever things you’re doing that are causing the jealousy
if it will help.
You don’t have to back down and let your partner control your life and prevent you
from doing things that you enjoy, but being willing to compromise, even temporarily, can
help to build trust and prove your commitment.
Speaking of proving commitment, it can also help to really show your love and devotion
to your spouse through words and actions.
By regularly telling your spouse how much you love them, complimenting him or her occasionally,
and explaining how much he or she means to you, you can help to eliminate some of your
partner’s insecurities.
This kind of thing is good practice in any marriage, regardless of jealousy issues, but
it’s especially important if your partner is struggling with an irrational jealousy
problem.
Finally, if jealousy continues to be an issue for either you or your partner, consider getting
some guidance from a marriage coach.
Whether that’s in the form of an in-person visit to a couples counselor with your spouse,
or simply through 1-on-1 dialogue with a marriage coach like myself, it can be a very helpful
way to come up with solutions to potentially damaging jealousy problems.
I offer personal coaching to a limited number of clients… if you’re interested in working
with me or want to see my current availability, please visit MarriageGuy.com/Coaching….
that’s MarriageGuy.com/Coaching.
Hopefully this video has given you some useful ideas and tips that you can use to begin reining
in the jealousy issues in your marriage… if you have other ideas or want to ask me
a quick question, please feel free to do so in the comments section below, I always try
my best to respond to every comment on my videos.
That’s it for now, thanks very much for watching and best of luck!