Hey guys, I’m Kya and I’m gonna keep you safe this October.
With all the killer clowns, masked maniacs and monstrous… monsters running around out there,
it’s essential to know thy enemy.
Welcome to primetime, bitch!
If you want to survive for the sequel, you’ve gotta learn from their past defeats.
So we’re gonna kick off this series with a guide to eliminating one of my favorite movie slashers,
And tell you How to Kill Freddy Krueger.
We’ll start with the obvious:
Burn Him Alive
Frederick Charles Krueger was just a mortal man when he first started killing.
“The Springwood Slasher” used his handmade bladed glove to murder nearly twenty kids over the years.
He was caught by the authorities, but released on a technicality.
So the parents of his victims cornered him in a boiler room, doused him with gasoline and set him on fire.
But don’t think you’re gonna get off that easy, because after his first death, Freddy got a lot tougher.
As he burned, Freddy was approached by the Dream Demons.
They were big fans of his work, so they gave him the power to haunt the dreams of children and kill them in their sleep.
Open up.. and you shall be forever!
Cool... Dream Demons are douchebags...
And in his new form, one of the only ways to kill him is through
The Power of Disbelief
Also, when you hear he's gonna kill children, I'm thinking like little kids. Not teenagers who can fight back.
If you're gonna be practical, kill like, toddlers. They can't fight back!
Ahhhh! Kay, bye.
Freddy Krueger actually has a lot in common with Pennywise from ‘It.’
They have a godlike control over reality,
Hey Nancy! No running in the hallway!
They’ve both got a killer sense of humor,
Now I'm playing with power!
And their power comes from the belief and fears of their victims.
You all taste so much better when you're afraid!
This is why I couldn’t believe in Santa or the Easter Bunny.
You start believing in shit and it becomes real and wants to kill you.
How'd you get in my house?! Who let you in?!
At the end of the first movie, Nancy pulls Freddy out of the Dream Realm and into our reality.
See, Freddy is immortal in his own world.
But with a little determination and a tight grip, it’s possible to bring him into our backyard.
I'm crazy after all...
He’s still pretty tough and extremely dangerous, but you can definitely do some damage.
In the end, though, Nancy simply turns her back on him.
Without her fear, Freddy has no power over her and he vanishes into nothingness.
So if you’re backed in a corner with nowhere to run,
Try talking some shit.
It's too late, Krueger. I know the secret now. I take back every bit of energy I gave you.
You're nothing. You're shit.
You can be rude to Freddy and call it a sick burn and it's like, a double pun.
If that doesn’t work, you might wanna give him
A Little Smooch.
The first sequel, ‘Freddy’s Revenge’ is maybe the weirdest entry in the series.
Instead of his usual M.O., Freddy’s spirit possesses a teenager named Jesse.
I need you, Jesse. We got special work to do here, you and me.
He actually racks up the highest kill count of any Freddy film, 10 victims, mostly thanks to a killer pool party.
You are all my children now!
At the end of the movie, Jesse’s girlfriend Lisa follows him to Freddy’s infamous boiler room.
And, in a rare case of a horror slasher getting some action,
she plants a big old kiss right on Freddy’s lips.
Well, the charred flesh where his lips used to be, I guess.
But it works!
Thanks to his girlfriend’s love and bravery, Jesse fights off Freddy’s possession.
The husk of Krueger’s body burns away and Jesse crawls out unscathed.
So if you’ve got a special someone in your life,
Keep them close, because they might just save you from Freddy.
But if you’re still searching for love, you can always just
Bury Him
In ‘Dream Warriors,’ we learn a lot more about Freddy’s origin, courtesy of his mother Amanda’s ghost.
That girl was Amanda Krueger. Her child... The bastard son of a hundred maniacs.
We also learn the only way to stop him for good is laying his bones to rest on holy ground.
Good news, since Freddy’s starting to get really creative with his kills.
A group of troubled teens use their special powers in the Dream Realm to keep Freddy occupied,
While in the real world, their psychiatrist buries his remains.
He throws them into a grave, douses them with holy water and burns his skull with a crucifix for good measure.
Back in the Dream, Freddy is ripped apart by beams of light.
Unfortunately, it’s not the permanent solution the Dream Warriors had hoped for.
Freddy returns in ‘The Dream Master,’ where he’s resurrected by a dog pissing a stream of fire onto his grave.
So much for holy water.
Freddy doesn’t have the most memorable kills in this movie,
Though the Roach Motel is the stuff of nightmares.
That shit is creepy. You have the roach legs crawling through the skin.
It was better once she was actually a roach and he crushed her, but the transformation part was the worst.
Very Kafkaesque.
Yeah... Shit.
It definitely has one of my favorite Freddy death scenes, though,
When our hero Alice takes him out by
Rhyming.
Nursery rhymes are a big deal in the ‘Nightmare’ series,
I always hated that song!
When I was a kid I used to hear that song, I had no idea where I heard it.
When I actually saw the scene with the girls with the jump rope it was really freaky. The weirdest sense of deja vu ever.
Three four, better lock your door. Five six, grab your crucifix.
And there’s another poem that has the power to destroy him.
Alice and Freddy are duking it out in the dream world,
when she remembers a rhyme her mother taught her.
She realizes that Freddy’s evil can be used against him,
so she recites the lines as she reflects his power back at him.
Evil will see itself and it shall die!
The souls of Freddy’s victims trapped inside his body wake up,
And they are pissed.
The souls tear him apart from the inside and float off into the sky,
As Freddy’s empty clothes fall to the ground.
So whatever you do, don’t forget the ‘Dream Master’ rhyme.
Maybe put it on a fridge magnet,
Or a nice needlepoint embroidery.
You’re gonna need to keep it handy if you want to kill Freddy.
That, or you could make like ‘Mortal Kombat’ and perform a
Babality
Kabal wins. Babality.
What? What is a babality?
Babality!
Babality! Put that in there.
Freddy gets reborn through the ghost of his mother In ‘The Dream Child,’
And with his new lease on the afterlife, he’s definitely having fun.
Especially when he turns the nerdy comics fan to paper and shreds him into confetti.
Freddy wants to share the love, so he takes a protege in Jacob.
He’s the unborn son of Alice from the last movie, and even though he’s just a fetus,
he can appear in the dream world as a powerful young boy.
At the end, Jacob turns against his mentor and sucks the souls out of his body,
School's out, Krueger!
which somehow turns Freddy into a twisted monster baby,
Then he gets sucked back up into his dead mother’s womb,
Which is probably even less pleasant than it sounds.
Although it can’t be as bad as getting blown up by a
Pipe Bomb
‘Freddy’s Dead’ was billed as ‘The Final Nightmare,’
And surprisingly, they stuck to it.
At least as far as the original Freddy goes, this was his last appearance until ‘Freddy vs. Jason’ 12 years later.
Freddy’s long-lost daughter Maggie pulls him out of the dream world and kicks his ass with everything from knives to ninja stars.
Then she stabs him in the gut with his glove and jams a pipe bomb in his chest.
Like, shit, that is a lot. A lot of pent-up aggresion.
Kids.
Anyways, Freddy blows up, releasing the Dream Demons and sending him straight to Hell.
He’ll chill there for a while until his frenemy Jason Voorhees unwittingly brings him back.
Let’s wind down with a
Lightning Round
Of some quasi-canon ways to finish Freddy.
‘Wes Craven’s New Nightmare’ isn’t really about Freddy.
It’s set in the “real world,” and the killer is a supernatural entity who takes the form of his favorite movie monster.
But if you need to kill a demonic Freddy impersonator,
your best bet is to trap him in an oven, Hansel and Gretel style.
In ‘Freddy vs. Jason,’ Krueger gets yanked out of the Dream World to battle the hockey-masked maniac.
Jason impales Freddy with his own glove, attached to his own dismembered arm,
Then the final girl lops his head off with a machete.
But he seems fine afterwards. I guess?
And if you want to kill the remake Freddy Krueger,
You can pull him into reality and slice his throat with a paper cutter.
Or you can just not buy a ticket to see the movie,
Cause that reboot is dead in the water.
Just like you’ll be unless you follow our handy dandy guide.
Handy dandy, cause... Glove.
But I’ll level with you:
Even with all this knowledge, your chances aren’t great.
Because no matter what you do,
Freddy’s coming for you.