-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!
Everyone's in a good mood. [ Cheers and applause ]
Everyone's in a good mood.
You guys, tomorrow is Thanksgiving!
Yeah, that's right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Right now, some of you are excited to see your family,
while the rest of you are about to draw
an extra line on a COVID test.
You're like, "Aw!"
[ Laughter ]
A bit of history -- I read that Abraham Lincoln
declared Thanksgiving an official holiday in 1863.
It's like during the Civil War,
he saw our country fighting each other and thought,
"We should make a whole meal out of this."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Thanksgiving is almost here and nobody is more
in the spirit than local news anchors.
Let's see how they're celebrating.
-Gobble, gobble, gobble. -Gobble, gobble, gobble.
-Gobble, gobble. -Gobble, gobble.
-Gobble, gobble. -Gobble, gobble, gobble.
[ Gobbling ]
-Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. Huh, huh?
-Did you purposely wear turkey colors today?
You kind of look like a big ol' butterball.
-Thanks. Thanks a lot, Abby.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow! -Then during the commercial,
she tried pulling Abby's arm off like a wishbone.
It's like, "Hey, what do you mean?" Look like a butterball.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but tonight is Drinks-giving.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Why am I telling you guys?
I feel like you know this already.
Drinks-giving, that's when a lot of people hit up
their hometown bars to see old friends.
It's a great tradition.
You talk smack about your family to your friends,
and then tomorrow you talk smack
about your friends to your family.
[ Laughter ] It's a good time.
It's basically an entire bar filled with people saying,
"Tim's looking like a big ol' butterball."
[ Laughter ]
This is actually one of the biggest drinking nights
of the year, which is why tomorrow morning people are
going to be like, "I'm most thankful for
this bacon, egg, and cheese and Gatorade."
[ Laughter and applause ] Love it.
Tonight, a lot of people went to
their hometown bar with old friends.
But if you weren't able to go out, don't worry.
We put together a simulation of
how your conversation would have gone.
Take a look at this.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Get it, get it, bro.
Let's get at it, bro.
Get it, bro.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, I'm so pumped it's Thanksgiving Eve.
Just think, in 12 hours, your aunt's going to pull a turkey
out of the oven that isn't plant-based
but it's definitely beyond meat.
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, speaking of food, Ocean Spray says they flip
the labels on their cranberry sauce cans upside-down
to create a "seamless serving experience."
You know, when you're dumping a brick of maroon slime
out of a can, you're really playing fast and loose
with the phrase "serving experience."
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, I don't even like
the sound it makes when it comes out.
Eww. -[ Slurp sound ]
-Yeah. Don't --
[ Laughter ]
That's right, people all over the country
are getting ready for tomorrow.
Quest, you all prepped for Thanksgiving?
-Yeah, man. I got everything I need at the grocery store.
I just landed on a sweet potato
casserole recipe I'm going to make.
And, you know, that's it.
How about you? -I'm ready too.
We're having family over. So I rented some tables.
I got my Thanksgiving playlist ready to go.
What are you going to do, Higgins?
-Oh, man, I'm so ready for Thanksgiving.
Before I left the house this morning,
I cranked up the oven at 600 degrees.
[ Laughter ]
-Higgins, you're not supposed to leave your oven on
when you're not home. -Oh, relax, it's fine.
My oven takes a little while to heat up
because the gas line has a hole in it.
[ Laughter ]
It stinks up the kitchen so bad.
I left a bunch of aerosol cans right next to the oven.
And when I get home, I'm going to spray them down
and freshen up the place. -No, no, Higgins, you --
-I know, I know, you're probably worried that the turkey
won't get fully cooked because of the busted gas line.
We got a backup bird.
Wrapped it in foil. Popped it in the microwave.
Set it for nine hours. [ Laughter ]
And get this.
We're going to deep-fry that sucker.
[ Laughter ] Got a great deal.
Found 18 leaky propane tanks on the side of the highway.
Man, it is going to be a good Thanksgiving!
Hoo!
[ Ding ] -Oh.
Oh, no.
[ Laughter and applause ]
My neighbor's house blew up.
I knew I should have been cooking at my house.
So no, I'm not ready.
-Oh, my God. [ Cheers and applause ]
Your neighbor's house?
Hey, this is fun.
Tomorrow is the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The Roots and I will be there performing.
But if you love parades, Macy's isn't the only game in town.
Watch this.
-Tired of parades with trendy balloons
that people actually want to see?
Then tune in to the T.J. Maxx Thanksgiving Day Parade.
The only parade with old, out of fashion balloons
that Macy's threw away years ago.
Like Ask Jeeves,
the Pets.com dog,
weird old guy Superman,
and whatever the hell this is.
T.J. Maxx, where every day looks like the day after Black Friday!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Well, with Thanksgiving Day so close,
I think it's time to read that classic story
we all know and love.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
'Twas the night before Thanksgiving,
and, oh, what a night.
Not a creature was sober, chugging Miller High Life.
[ Laughter ]
The dive bars were packed, everyone playing pool
in the hopes they'd hook up with someone from high school.
[ Laughter ]
When all of a sudden, there arose such a titter.
Oh, no, Elon Musk posted another weird meme to Twitter.
I rolled both my eyes and turned off my phone,
then went to my parents' house to watch "Yellowstone."
On John Dutton, on Beth Dutton, on Teeter and Kayce,
on Rip Wheeler, on Chief Rainwater,
everyone except Jamie.
[ Laughter ]
Then I sprang to my childhood bedroom to crash,
but my cousin was in there smoking his stash.
Tomorrow, I thought, my whole family will fight.
But happy Thanksgiving to all,
except my Uncle Steve, who I hope misses his flight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, this is going viral.
A photo that President Biden posted on Twitter.
Did you see this, Quest?
-Nah. -[ Laughs ]
You're going laugh. It has an optical illusion
that makes his jacket look like his legs.
Look at this photo.
[ Laughter ]
People walked into the office like, "Whoa, I'll come back."
[ Laughter ]
Can we see that again?
He looks like a teacher who would say,
"You don't have to call me Mr. Duncan. Call me Matt."
[ Laughter ]
"You know what? Forget today's lesson.
Let's just talk about life."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's the best Biden optical illusion since
he and Jill looked like giants next to the Carters.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Remember that? Remember that?
[ Applause ]
-That was the best. -That was insane.
Did you guys see this? Last night ahead of
the Senate runoff in Georgia,
Herschel Walker was on Fox News, and he had a bit of a slipup
while talking about the election.
Listen to this.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh!
[ Applause ]
-Somebody's excited about the runoffs.
[ Laughter ]
Switching gears, Elon Musk reportedly told
Twitter employees that he's done laying people off
and is now looking to start hiring.
Elon knew he needed more people when he looked around
the Twitter office and saw fewer than 280 characters.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, this Saturday is Small Business Saturday,
and I heard that to attract younger customers,
small business owners are being encouraged
to up their TikTok game.
Yeah, that's got to be tough, huh?
After 50 years of owning a hardware store,
mom and pop gotta stay in business
by slapping each other with tortillas.
[ Laughter ]
"We were the Greatest Generation."
[ Laughter ]
What are we doing?
And finally, a mall in Canada
has an attraction called Woody the Christmas Tree.
[ Laughter ]
And he just woke up. Check this out.
-One, two, three!
[ Cheering ]
[ Laughter ]
-And that's the first promo for "A Very Squid Game Christmas."
[ Laughter ]
Coincidentally, "Wake Up Woody"
is also Herschel Walker's new campaign slogan.
We have a great show tonight.