GUYS, AS YOU KNOW, TOMORROW IS THANKSGIVING, WHICH
IS A DAY WHERE AMERICANS CELEBRATE WHAT THEY HAVE, BEFORE
REALIZING THEY NEED MORE AND DITCHING DINNER TO SIT IN A TENT
OUTSIDE OF BEST BUY.
[LAUGHTER] NOW THIS IS MY VERY FIRST
THANKSGIVING, AND I'M VERY EXCITED.
[APPLAUSE] BUT FROM WHAT I'VE BEEN HEARING
FROM EVERYONE, YOUR LEAD-UP TO THANKSGIVING IS KIND
OF LIKE OUR LEAD-UP TO CHRISTMAS.
YOU GUYS DO THIS, RIGHT?
THE NIGHT BEFORE A BIG HOLIDAY, YOU GO OUT TO A BAR IN THE TOWN
YOU GREW UP IN TO DRINK LEGALLY WHERE EVERYONE USED TO DRINK
ILLEGALLY, WITH THE SAME PEOPLE.
EXCEPT TODAY, THE MYSTERY'S ALL GONE IN SEEING HOMETOWN FRIENDS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT EVERYONE
IS UP TO BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK.
SOMEONE'S PREGNANT, SOMEONE'S DIVORCED, SOMEONE'S MAKING
JEWELRY, AND EVERYONE'S FAT.
[LAUGHTER] WHICH IS A RELIEF.
[APPLAUSE] IT REALLY IS.
BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO GO, THOUGH. YOU HAVE TO GO TO THAT BAR
BECAUSE THERE IS A CHANCE YOU MIGHT RUN INTO THAT ONE GIRL
FROM THE VOLLEYBALL TEAM THAT YOU ALWAYS HAD A THING FOR.
YOU KNOW THE ONE. YOU SEE HER.
YOU'RE AFRAID TO GET HER NUMBER, BUT SIX SHOTS LATER, YOU FINALLY
GET THE COURAGE TO STEAL HER NUMBER FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S
PHONE.
WHICH MEANS THAT RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE UP IN YOUR CHILDHOOD
BEDROOM, WATCHING ME ON A TV THAT'S PROBABLY ABOUT THAT SIZE,
STARING AT THE PHONE NUMBER THINKING, SHALL I CALL HER?
AND WOULD SHE HOOK UP WITH YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR "STAR WARS"
ACTION FIGURES? WE ALL KNOW THE ANSWER.
OF COURSE SHE WOULD.
[LAUGHTER] SHE'S GOING THROUGH A
DIVORCE.
THIS IS PART OF HER JOURNEY.
[APPLAUSE] BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE
RISK, SO YOU DECIDE TO GO TO HER PLACE.
BUT YOU'RE TOO DRUNK TO DRIVE, AND YOU THINK YOU'VE FIGURED IT
OUT.
YOU'LL CALL AN UBER.
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS -- UBER HASN'T MADE IT TO THE SUBURBS
WHERE YOUR PARENTS LIVE YET.
THE CLOSEST UBER IS TWO STATES AWAY.
SO YOU GO DOWN TO THE BOARD WHERE YOUR MOM KEEPS HER KEYS.
YOU SEE THE BUSINESS CARD FROM A CAB COMPANY THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN
THERE SINCE YOUR CHILDHOOD. AND YOU THINK THAT IS IT.
YES, THIS IS IT.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET LAID TONIGHT.
YOU CALL UP.
SINCE 1998. [LAUGHTER]
AND YOU JUST FALL ASLEEP. THEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,
AND HERE'S WHERE IT GETS DIFFERENT FROM BRITISH HOLIDAYS.
ON THANKSGIVING HERE, YOU GUYS WAKE UP TO YOUR MOM SAYING THAT
YOU'RE MISSING THE PARADE.
AM I RIGHT? YOU GUYS ARE INTO THIS PARADE.
YOU GUYS LOVE THIS PARADE, RIGHT REGGIE?
THIS IS A BIG THING.
REGGIE: THAT IS CORRECT.
JAMES: I CAN UNDERSTAND WATCHING IT AT HOME, BUT WHY WOULD YOU GO
TO SEE IT IN PERSON?
IT IS NOVEMBER IN NEW YORK. IT IS 4 DEGREES.
EVEN THE PILLS BRIE DOUGH BOY BALLOON HAS HARD NIPPLES.
BUT THEN THE PARADE ENDS, AND IF IT'S ANYTHING LIKE CHRISTMAS
WHERE I'M FROM, YOU HAVE YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT THE SAME
TIME YOU HAVE DINNER EVERY NIGHT.
2 P.M.
HOW AM I DOING SO FAR?
IS THIS WHAT THANKSGIVING IS LIKE?
IS THAT IT? AM I ON POINT?
AND I JUST KNOW AS YOU'RE HAVING YOUR DINNER, YOUR MOM WILL ASK
YOU IF YOU'RE DATING ANYONE EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS THE ANSWER IS
NO, BUT THE SALT FROM YOUR TEARS REALLY HELPS
SEASON THE MASHED POTATOES. AND IT DOESN'T MATTER, CHRISTMAS
OR THANKSGIVING, YOUR MOM OVERCOOKED THE TURKEY, BUT
YOU'RE LIKE, "I SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING, I SHOULD JUST BE
GRATEFUL THAT SHE WORKED SO HARD ON THIS DINNER AND THAT I'M WITH
MY LOVED ONES." AND THEN YOUR DAD HAS ONE
MOUTHFUL AND IS LIKE, "MARGARET, YOU RUINED THE
TURKEY!" THEN ONE OF MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY
TRADITIONS IS WHEN EVERYONE'S LIKE, "WE SHOULD WATCH A MOVIE."
SO YOU DEBATE WHICH MOVIE TO WATCH FOR LIKE SEVEN HOURS.
HERE'S THE THING THOUGH, NO MATTER HOW SAFE YOU THINK THE
MOVIE YOU PICKED IS, THERE'S ALWAYS NUDITY.
IN THE FILM.
AND YOU HAVE THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU'RE LEFT STARING AT THE
SCREEN DURING A SEX SCENE WHILE YOUR FATHER CLEARS HIS
THROAT AND EVERYBODY PRETENDS IT ISN'T HAPPENING.
[LAUGHTER] AND THEN EVERYONE JUST PASSES
OUT BEFORE THE MOVIE ENDS, BUT YOU'LL WAKE
UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR MORE LEFTOVERS, WHICH IS THE
BEST PART OF IT, THAT MIDNIGHT JOURNEY.
BUT THEN YOU STRUGGLE WITH HOW TO GET ALL OF
THE LEFTOVER DISHES TO FIT BACK IN THE FRIDGE.
IT'LL BE LIKE TETRIS WITH YAMS.
[LAUGHTER] YOU'LL FALL BACK ASLEEP SOUND IN
THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU WON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS
EXPERIENCE AGAIN -- FOR ONE WHOLE MONTH.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE.