our next guest coming out is one of my all-time favorite comedians in the entire world he's
making his Network television debut here tonight he's going to be at the Berkeley in college
California Berkeley University where all the hit people go Berkeley University on March
18th please welcome Zach Galifianakis
[Applause] [Music]
thank you I usually do stand-up comedy and uh tonight I really don't feel like it
and um tonight I'm gonna play the piano and talk about myself
please don't laugh none of this is funny
[Music] I live in LA and that's short for Los Angeles [Music]
and I like to hang out in Hollywood on Hollywood Boulevard the other night I was there and
I was making out with a squatter in front of Ripley's Believe It or Not
and I just got a henna tattoo that said forever [Music]
and I've been drinking that night and by the way you know you have a drinking problem when
the bartender knows your name and you've never been to that bar before [Applause]
and I'm there on the Walk of Fame where all the stars are and I stumble across Tony danza's
star [Music] and I urinated on it [Applause] [Music] who's the boss now
[Applause] [Music] my New Year's resolution for 2000 is or was to stop saying you go girl
to myself [Music] and I've already broken that four times and I'm getting ready to break
it a fifth because I'm on The Late Show
you go girl [Applause] [Music] you know what I like to do when I make it out with a woman
[Music] I like to whisper into her ear will you touch my vagina
[Applause]
and I'm like that's what you're supposed to say [Applause]
I saw this guy I saw this guy today here in New York that I used to Temp with [Music]
I'll never forget I called a temp agency once and they were like uh uh well do you have
any phone skills
it's like a I called you didn't I
yeah do you mean can I build a phone
and then we got disconnected [Applause] [Music] my roommate is half Japanese and it's really
weird because she only takes one shoe off before she comes inside
and it kind of sucks because she wears high heels and it sounds like a damn pirate walking
through my apartment [Applause] I like to call 4-1-1 and ask the number for information
give me the damn number then [Applause]
two years ago my sister was diagnosed with multiple personalities there's nothing funny
about that but she phoned me the other day and my caller ID exploded
[Applause]
why do I sit around my apartment on my hardwood floor Indian style just yell it out to myself
[Applause] [Music] I've always wanted to say that in front of five million people
I've been trying to quit drinking for a while now and uh I was in my apartment and I drank
a 12 pack of O'Doul's [Music] I went driving around in my car and I got pulled over by
a cop [Music] he's like son have you been drinking and I said sort of
he said what have you been drinking and I said oh duel's not alcoholic beer and he wrote
me a ticket for being a wussy [Music] [Applause] [Music] I have a new headshot scratch and
sniff and it smells like failure and onions [Music] hey Mom and Dad where are we
I like to go to really bad [Music] like Deuce Bigalow there's only one other person in the
theater and I like to sit right next to them
[Music]
and they're like excuse me I'm like shh I can't hear deuce
[Applause]
[Music] it's really hard for me to perform tonight
I'm celebrating a an anniversary of sorts three years ago to the state [Music] I decided
to take my own life
I said Zach doing for your co-workers your manager at work and the misery
I don't know how many of you have tried to jump off a Pizza Hut [Music] but you really
just get a sprained ankle out of the deal
[Music] [Applause] [Music] and then you have to go back inside and serve crazy bread
with a limp
thank you
[Applause]
I'm here still with Mr Zach Galifianakis who just kicked ass and his Network Talent of
you
are you uh are you allowed to say kick I mean let's say kick come here that's okay um so
Zach why don't you tell us about your latest pay-per-view special
I understand you recently had a baby
[Music] um Annie anyway so when you're in Los Angeles where do you usually perform around
town uh that's um I usually I perform in my car a lot but also I perform and I perform
in coffee houses usually and that's an alternative comedy alternative yeah yeah that's great
uh but um 15 minutes before I knew that uh I was going to do this show which I think
was last Tuesday uh I had a message on my machine and I was very excited about it because
it was another state it was another performance you know and uh I think we have a clip of
that an audio an audio clip
the show tomorrow is the first night um and it is called all washed up it is Santa comedy
at a laundromat um everyone who does a load of laundry there is guaranteed a set see you
there yeah how many in a laundry mat yeah that's nice yeah yeah it's called all washed
up all washed up that's nice like my career but also now it was listed in the New York
Post that you were going to be on tonight and it far be it from them from erroneously
reporting anything but they skewed your name so badly yeah and the worst thing is like
I know it's not important to like everyone globally but like when you do stuff like this
it's so important to you and like you want to save stuff for your little scrapbook and
your name is Galifianakis and this is how they printed it in the New York Post today
they'll show it um tonight Late Show with David Letterman Bob Odenkirk David Cross Zach
galafroski
guest host Gene Garofalo yeah it's like the the last name is uh is uh really difficult
to deal with and um Ella Frosty is pretty close though that's fine um but like a lot
of times when people bring me on stage like they try to make my last name sound Greek
when they bring me on and they don't really care they just like ladies and gentlemen bring
it up bring it together for your next guy Zach Stephanopoulos here he comes everyone
Zach Snuffleupagus please put your hands together for baklava Rodriguez
that kind of thing
so uh New York jobs that was the uh the next topic of conversation
I used to be a nanny here in New York and yeah it was and I don't know if I can tell
this I should have um I'll never forget I was a nanny for this kid and uh don't name
his name I won't I want to so badly [Applause]
uh he was you know he was he's bratty kid he's seven years old and I never forget we
were um doing uh watching television we were watching television and he uh Frank
um why don't you uh turn off the television it's time to do homework and he's like no
come on turn off the television it's time to do homework and he's like no so I get up
and I turn the TV off and uh he gets up and turns the TV back on seven years old and he
looks at me and he goes you do what I say or I'm going to tell my mom you're touching
my penis
such a great story that you should make a Hallmark special out of that story because
it's so I feel good still warm that's nice
[Music]