Are you thinking of leaving a toxic church, a spiritual community or
a workplace, but you're not sure how to leave without coming out of it unscathed?
Stick around.
In this video, I'm going to give you 7 tips on how you can leave a toxic church
without getting traumatized in the process.
I'm Shaneen Megji.
I am a transition coach.
Welcome to my YouTube series on toxicity is not your destiny.
My mission is to help people navigate toxic relationships in their lives
from a biblical, practical and spiritual perspective.
So if you like the video,
please take a moment, click the subscribe button, click the bell, click the like.
Because every week I'm going to be
bringing you a new video to empower you to navigate toxic relationships.
Now, let's get into the topic.
You might be part of a church or
a ministry or a workplace, and the leader is toxic.
What do I mean by toxic?
You know, your boss or your leader is toxic when two things are happening.
Number 1, they are abusing their position of authority.
They are taking themselves way too seriously.
They act like a God instead
of representing God, instead of using the ministry God has
entrusted them with to build up the people that He has sent to them.
They instead use people as extensions of themselves to build their own empires.
The work they do is all about God, but God is not part of it.
Number 2, their private life does not reflect what they teach.
They may have these amazing biblical teachings.
They may be so gifted and called by God and anointed.
But when it comes to how they live out
what they teach their lives are a big sham.
They may show this benevolent, loving Christ-like side to the public,
but then they turn into a monster after church, at home with their wives and their
kids or their husbands and their kids are hypocrites.
There's a blind guide that Jesus warned about.
Sadly, these leaders might have begun their ministry by the leading of God
and the power of the Holy Spirit, and they were super humble.
And that is what attracted you to them in the first place.
But somewhere along the way, they just kind of went off track and it's
likely they succumbed to the pull of either money, sex or fame,
one of the big three temptations that every human being on the earth faces.
Now, some of these leaders can be covert, passive-aggressive narcissists.
They are charming to the world,
but behind closed doors, they are tyrants, a Jekyll and Hyde personality.
You don't want to mess with such people.
They are so good at manipulation and gaslighting.
They live and breathe it.
They can destroy your reputation and turn all your closest friends against you.
They can turn the people you love the most against you.
This has happened to me when I left
a spiritual community and it shipwrecked my life.
So I want to help you by giving you the tips that I have learned along the way
through the hard knocks of going through this stuff to make it as painless for you
as possible if you are thinking to leave your toxic community.
So let's dive into it.
Number 1,, give yourself a window of time to make your exit.
The longer you've been
with an organization or a community, the longer you should give yourself
to actually leave, maybe a few months to even a year.
Start doing little things each day
to prepare for your exit so it doesn't look noticeable.
This will allow you to be fully in control
of when and how you leave without you being at the mercy of anyone.
Number 2, don't tell anyone in your toxic community
or your workplace what you are thinking or feeling.
Do not voice your complaints.
Do not show that you are disgruntled or
you are having issues with the leader or the environment.
Don't wear any of your emotions on your sleeve.
If you must vent, do it with God,
do it on paper or find someone you trust outside of that community.
I know this sounds counterintuitive
and you may not like keeping such secrets from the people that you have been
with all this time that you have so much history with.
You might struggle with feeling like you are betraying your people.
If you are feeling this way,
and I can totally relate, it likely means that you are an empath.
You are someone who naturally believes
the best about people, who naturally looks for the good in people in situations.
And you forgive so easily.
But I just have to warn you,
when it comes to being involved with a covert narcissist who is a toxic
leader, a cult leader, you need to rise above your empath traits.
They are working against you right now.
And here is why you need to do it.
If you are part of a community or environment where everyone has to submit
and agree with one leader and there is no room for dissension or criticism,
then you have likely been gaslighted the whole time
the leader and the followers around him or her have made you doubt your judgment
and perceptions and discernment for long enough.
If you ever felt critical or negative about something going on,
you were likely manipulated into believing that you are defective for feeling what
you are feeling or seeing what you are seeing.
So now that you are thinking of leaving,
you must not let on what you are feeling or thinking to this community.
As much as there are people you have
walked with for years and years, they are likely to gaslight you
into staying or using fear, intimidation, punishment or control tactics to prevent
you from leaving, which could cause so much trauma that you
might be afraid to even think about leaving ever again.
The people that once loved you are likely to betray you.
I hope that doesn't happen to you, but it does happen a lot.
Your decision causes cognitive dissonance
in them, so their way of dealing with it without having to confront issues in their
own life that they don't want to deal with is to write you off as having gone
off course or having taken a turn for the worse.
You become a villain or an enemy in their
eyes, someone they have to avoid and never associate with again.
Number three, go see a counselor or coach or someone
who is mature with wisdom outside of your community and your circle.
Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you to the right person.
Be prayerful about this and ask God to help you.
If you ask him sincerely, He will guide you.
This might be hard because in a toxic
environment, things tend to be private and secret and hush hush.
You've been told to be discreet
and private about things because people on the outside just don't understand your
culture and how God operates with your special group.
You've been told that their maturity level just cannot grasp these things.
They don't have the training you had.
They don't have the experiences you've had.
I want you to take a dive off the plank in this and trust the Holy Spirit.
Go and see someone in a helping profession
who is reputable and who has the Holy Spirit in them.
Tell them your story without holding anything back.
Share everything.
Don't be afraid of what might come out of it.
Just trust God with this process.
I'm telling you that this is a very powerful and healing step.
Trust that the Holy Spirit that is in you
is also in them and that you can encounter God in them.Approach it by faith,
Have more faith in God's ability to speak to you and minister to you through them,
that person, than the devil's ability to deceive you and lead you off track.
You must go into it with that kind of faith and that level of trust in God.
The Bible says that God gives grace to the humble.
When you share like this and make yourself
vulnerable, you are humbling yourself and you are inviting God's grace.
He will always be found by those who earnestly seek him.
Number 4, take time to be with God and plan an exit strategy.
It would be a good idea to leave your home for a few days and spend some time
elsewhere to process what is going on and to come up with an action plan.
I'm sure you know the story of Jesus's
birth with the three wise men came to see him and give him honor.
Well, do you know that they were born in a dream not to go back the same way
that they came because there was danger ahead?
So if you spend time with God,
he can give you exactly the right route to get out of a dangerous situation.
No. Five, detach your heart,
but carry on life as usual as much as you are able withdraw little by little so
people do not notice that you are slowly disengaging.
It is better to do this than to end something abruptly and dramatically.
It's just not worth it.
It can be traumatic and overly stressful
and you don't want that kind of stress and trauma in your life.
If you can avoid it, it would be better to be slow
and strategic in your departure Number 6, in the process of withdrawing slowly
start to meet other people and start to build other relationships.
Don't make it obvious, though, that you are doing this.
Try to be as discreet as you can. Do that for a while before you announce your
exit, before anyone knows. Make it a secre
because as we talked about earlier, people may not understand why you're why
you're leaving and they may try to gaslight you into staying.
The reason it is important to build some relationships before your exit
is so that you can have a support system
in place after you leave and in case things get really bad during your exit.
Your new support system could be praying for you and supporting you so that when
stuff hits the fan, it doesn't end up being such a lonely walk for you.
You may want to find a new church or
a spiritual community to be part of before you exit this one.
But if that's not your cup of tea right now, I totally get it.
You might need a break from church altogether,
but I just want to say that if you are turned off by religion,
please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
If you have had a bad experience with a Christian leader or a Christian
community, just don't give up on God. Don't give up on Jesus.
Take a break from church, ditch the religiosity, but don't give up on Jesus.
Remember, he hated the abusers and the hypocrites just as much as you do.
And he cares so much for you.
He wants to help you and He wants to restore your life.
Number 7, make sure you're a leader or
community doesn't have any leverage over you. Before you announce your departure,
close out any administrative stuff.
If there's paperwork you need,
make sure you have that in place or files or anything that belongs to you.
Or if you have money that is owed to you, try to get it back.
But if getting it back means being entangled with those people over a long
stretch of time, it may be better for your emotional
and spiritual health to just cut those losses and trust God to provide for you.
He will take care of you.
I said I was going to give you seven tips, but it looks like I've got eight.
So here's the bonus. Last one.
No. Eight, leave quietly.
Don't make a big loud stink or confrontation.
Use your emotional and spiritual resources
instead to rebuild your life rather than fight or seek justice or vindication.
Let God be your Avenger and Vindicator.
He can do a much better job than you can.
The more you try to seek justice
for yourself, the more you are preventing God from intervening on your behalf.
The fact that you rebuild by God's grace in silence speaks volumes against
the community and the leader that you have left behind or the boss.
That leader or boss or community believes
that you have failed and they are expecting to see your demise because
in their minds, you are out of God's favor and you deserve to be punished.
So when you rebuild and you start becoming successful and you go further than you
have ever gone before, maybe even further than that community or
that boss or leader, it becomes a huge blow to their arrogance and their pride.
And there's nothing more powerful than a blow like that.
So resist the temptation to confront them and get them to see their wrongs.
Just focus on moving forward yourself and fulfilling your God-given purpose.
So those are the eight steps I would
recommend for exiting a toxic church or a community.
It is important to take them seriously
because you just can't underestimate how devastating the loss of relationships can
be, even if they are toxic and controlling and abusive.
The truth is, nothing is ever black and white.
Those relationships you were in were not black and white.
There were still good moments and fond
memories in the midst of the pain, and you still have to grieve the good things.
Nothing is ever all bad or all good is always usually a messy mixture.
But still, even if there were some good things, you can't stay because
the toxicity is like a poison that is killing you silently and slowly.
So if you are in a situation right now where you are thinking of leaving a toxic
church or you were in the process, I can totally empathize with you.
My prayer for you is peace, peace, peace and grace.
Grace, Grace. If you want to let me know in the comments
section that you are in something like this, I will pray for you.
I just want to encourage you that if you
are afraid of leaving and losing all that you have, look to Jesus,
He is the God who provides way more than you could ever lose.
He is the God who restores the years
that the locusts have eaten, and He is the one who redeems abundantly.
There isn't too deep a hole that God can't get you out of.
There is nothing that is worth more than your freedom.
You deserve to have the freedom to pursue and live out your calling and your purpose
if you have left a toxic or abusive environment and you're in a season
of transition right now, I have a special gift for you.
It is a training on three key ways to navigate difficult transitions like this.
These are things that brought
a breakthrough in my life when I was going through a difficult transition.
I have included a link to that training below, so feel free to access it.
And this brings me to the end of my video. I hope the tips
I shared today were helpful.
If you would like to see more content for me and have not subscribed yet.
Go ahead and click the subscribe button
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to be posting a new video, a video that will empower you to navigate
the toxic relationships and environments in your life.
I appreciate you so much.
Thanks for watching. Till the next time.