- Cheese Nips. (speech bubble pops)
You asked for it.
(woman laughs) - Stick around 'til the end.
We love talking to you guys.
Enjoy this episode of Spectrum Men.
- I like the way the old school ways work.
They did work, we just messed it up.
- So that's important to you?
To be, like, the breadwinner?
- I'm the caretaker of society.
(Imari grunts)
(logo whooshes) (upbeat music)
(upbeat music continues)
- [Interviewer] I have worried about the size of my penis?
(interviewees laugh)
Three, two, one, go. (interviewees snicker)
- Oh, my God. (interviewee laughs)
This is a good question.
I like this one.
- It's just a normal thing to be worried about.
Like, when you're growing up,
like, you're like, "Am I normal?"
You know, like. (laughs)
I hate this.
(interviewees laugh)
- I guess, like, when I was younger I was like,
"Whoa, is this normal?" - [John] Right.
- "Is this not?"
But like, eventually, I was like,
"No, I'm fine."
- I feel like this whole conversation is just, like,
bringing to my awareness how impressionable
and, like, how much of our lives
and our masculinity is defined by when we're kids.
When everybody's like, "Oh, you gotta have a big dick.
You gotta have a big dick."
And all you see is like,
only time you see a dick is on porn
and it's like- - Yeah. (laughs)
- 14 inches.
Then it's like, "Oh, mine doesn't look like that."
- [Tommy] Yeah.
- Then of course you're gonna, like,
start thinking about it versus-
- [Interviewer] Hold for one second.
Sorry. (interviewer chattering)
- I'm actually changing my answer.
- Oh, okay. (interviewees laughing)
- I changed my mind because what he said was,
it made a lot of sense,
because I remember the first time I saw porno
and I saw a black guy's penis,
I was like, I'm not like that.
As I got older, I perfected my craft.
I've never had a problem with women.
(guys laugh)
It has nothing to do with the penis.
It's all about, it's not the size of the boat,
it's the motion of the ocean.
You just love a woman, you embrace each other and it's just,
I've never had a problem with the women since then.
- I think for younger guys,
this is the concern that I'm realizing
is like maybe if these discussions were more open
about size and whatever,
and that really over time it all becomes okay and it's fine,
maybe that would help a lot.
- A man should pay for the first date.
(guy snorts)
Three, two, one, go.
(jewelry clangs) (guys laugh)
(guy sighs)
- Oh, okay. (everyone laughing)
- I like the way the old school ways work.
They did work, we just messed it up.
- So that's important to you,
to like take that leadership role, to be-
- Tradition. - To be like the breadwinner.
- I'm the caretaker of society.
I don't even like saying it this way.
Once you give the woman the power,
then you just demasculated yourself.
I wanna stick to what's made me happy
my grandparents and my parents,
I'm just gonna stick with it, 'cause it works.
It's not perfect, but it works.
(Imari grunts)
Be a man, plain and simple.
- I think, I don't know,
I think we're just getting in dangerous territory
when we start talking about chivalry.
At the end of the day it's like,
yo baby, if you wanna pay for this,
like there is no hierarchy here.
Like if you wanna pay for this,
pay for this and maybe next time I'm like,
I just got a check so I'll pay for it.
- Wasn't this the first meal though, you said?
- Yeah, the first one.
- Okay, you only get one chance to make a first impression.
- What does it matter if it's a girl or a guy,
it's 2019 and your logic shouldn't be like,
no disrespect like,
"Oh, because my grandpa did it and it worked for him
then it works for me."
If she's not gonna date me that second time,
'cause I didn't pay for her,
I think I dodged a bullet.
- [Interviewer] I support the Me Too movement.
- [Interviewee] Whoa.
- [Interviewer] Three, two, one, go.
- I support the Me Too movement.
(guy grunts)
- Be real, be real.
(Imari vocalizing)
- At first when I saw it,
you know and talking to my friends a lot of, and family,
a lot of people in the south,
they're like these women should have spoke up
a long time ago.
And then I had to like step aside
and really process it for myself and be like, you know what?
She didn't feel comfortable and it wasn't a,
she wasn't in a society, in a place,
where it was acceptable for her to say anything about it.
So now that they have the platform
and the ability, I'm like, that's amazing.
Speak your truth.
- What do you tell a child
who is accused of rape by a woman,
has his whole life destroyed
and then people just go, eh?
- There's always gonna be people that take advantage of it.
It's not gonna be perfect.
We're figuring it out as we go.
But I think it's done more good than it's done bad.
- I think you- - [Andrew] And my-
- I think we get to acknowledge the bad though.
Like I think- - Yeah, of course.
- That's why I'm doing like this thing,
is like for us to say like, oh he did that to me
and all of a sudden now we've like vindicated,
that guy is like vilified.
Like there is no chance of like him
having a say in the conversation.
- Trial by mob- - We get to have conversation-
- Is not good.
Like this mob mentality is bad.
- [Imari] Yeah. - I agree with that
but I don't think that's exclusive to the Me Too movement.
- But we're using it right now to say,
"Oh, that person is bad.
Oh, fuck that person."
There's no further conversations been happening.
If it's a movement to say,
"Yes, okay, this hierarchy
we've created of men and women,
which is a result of the way men are expected to act
and women are expected to act,
let's have those conversations and everything changes."
And I'll be over there all fucking day.
- [Interviewer] Toxic masculinity is overblown.
Three, two, one, go.
- Overblown, wait, what?
- Oh, overblown.
- What do, what is that?
- Can you use a different word?
- Yeah.
- No, it's the exact right word.
- Yeah, I think I just somewhat agreed
that it's blown out of proportion
because I think what happens with social media
is a group of people coin a term
and now it's, we're all painted by it.
- Like we are not in like a post,
I don't know like rape culture world, you know,
like women are being catcalled every day.
And so like men are still, I think,
seen or experienced as like a predatory presence to women.
So like that's why I just don't think it's like overblown.
I think it's just, it's new.
- If we were good men, there wouldn't be feminists,
they wouldn't be attacking us,
they wouldn't be hating us.
You have a lot of guys who don't want to commit to marriage.
You have a lot of guys who catcall.
So yes, men have become toxic
and once again, I have to be consistent
with all my beliefs and all my morals.
I'm very traditional.
- I see what you're saying, but the way you're framing it
like this, this word moral is kind of-
- You don't know what that is anymore though.
That's the problem.
- It sounds like you're saying.
like it's men's job to be like the moral compass of society.
- [Guy] Mm, no. - It is.
- [Guy] No. - I think it's everyone's job.
- It's everybody's.
But if men want to coin themselves as the leaders,
you have to hold to the good and the bad.
- That's part of the problem though.
Like that's what I think toxic masculinity or,
it's putting too much pressure on yourself.
I mean it's very obvious that we're grappling
with like the history and the damage
of like what a world completely run by men does to us.
That's why I think we're talking about toxic masculinity
- [Interviewer] I am comfortable showing my emotions.
Three, two, one, go.
- It's been like harped upon me for years
that like showing my emotions were bad
and like me trying not to be gay.
I'm like, no, like I don't wanna show these emotions,
'cause I'm not gay, I can't be gay.
Like I'm not supposed to be gay.
Like the church tells me, my dad tells me, my mom tells me.
Everybody's telling me I'm not supposed to be gay.
So like, just understanding that at 25, now 26,
like I'm over here like, okay, like, oh, you're insecure.
Okay, that's what that feels like.
Oh, you're sad, that's what that feels like.
I can now be aware of those things,
but to show them to other people right now
is like really hard for me.
- I do feel like I'm very verbally,
like about my emotions with my wife,
but I wouldn't agree completely,
because I'm not like that with anyone else.
I mean, I just failed a college class
and I was crying about it to my wife,
but no one else at school saw me cry, you know?
I specifically texted my wife,
make sure the kids are asleep by the time I come home.
'Cause I just knew I was gonna be like,
as soon as I stepped through that threshold to my house,
I was just gonna let go and I didn't want them to see that.
But like the next day,
I sat down and I had that conversation with 'em like,
"Hey, I just wanna let you guys know,
you know, your dad didn't pass this class."
And they're like, "Oh, are you okay?"
I'm like, "Yeah, of course".
- You know, you just cry in front of your kids man.
I remember like seeing my dad cry
for the first time when his mom died.
And I remember like imprinting that in my mind
as like, wow, you know, like my dad can be upset.
And that was like an important thing to witness.
- It's reality, emotion.
- Yeah, it's real.
- I was raised by two parents that I never, ever saw cry.
The effect that that had on me
was by the time one of them passed away very suddenly,
I didn't really seem to be affected at all.
So I've actually had to do a lot of therapy on that.
This thing about masculinity
not being able to show your emotions is very bad.
It puts us backwards in society
and we need to be thinking
about how to tap into our emotions
in a healthy way together. (upbeat music)
- Thank you for saying your truth brother.
- Yeah, of course, thank you.
- Great job man. - You too.
Nice to hear from you.
- All right, I gotta be honest,
I'm actually the one who submitted the penis size question.
(people laughing) Yeah.
- Oh, thank you Ian for your suggestion.
- Sure, it's my pleasure. - Thank you
to everyone else who also submitted more prompts for us.
- Yeah, we love having this type of dialogue.
I'm grateful, 'cause as a girl,
I'd love to know what you guys are thinking.
You guys are mysteries to me honestly.
- Hmm, make sure you like, subscribe
and follow us on Instagram.
- Instagram, yes.
- Instagram, we'll see you next time.
- Peace. (logo whooshing)