- So, I don't know if you guys can tell,
but I am seven and a half months pregnant.
(audience applause)
Yeah, it's very rare and unusual to see a female comic
perform pregnant because female comics don't get pregnant.
(audience laughs)
Just try to think of one, I dare you.
There's none of them.
Once they do get pregnant they generally disappear.
That's not the case with male comics.
Once they have a baby they'll get up on stage
a week afterwards and they'll be like
guys, I just had this fucking baby.
That baby's a little piece of shit.
It's so annoying and boring.
And all these other shitty dads in the audience
are like that's hilarious, I identify,
and their fame just swells because they become
this relatable family funny man all of a sudden.
Meanwhile the mom is at home chapping her nipples
feeding the fucking baby and wearing a frozen diaper
because her pussy needs to heal from
the baby's head shredding it up, she's busy.
(audience laughs)
It's so sexist when people ask me well,
if you're here then who's taking care of the baby?
Who the fuck do you think is taking care of the baby?
(audience laughs)
The TV is taking care of the baby, okay?
(audience laughs)
I'm just waiting for the right moment
to like, become a housewife, financially, you know?
I want my husband to get us to like,
a certain point financially.
I want to get to the point as a couple where
I can comfortably afford sliced mango.
(audience laughs)
You know what I'm talking about?
I'm talking about that Whole Foods mango.
That $10 a box Whole Foods mango that was sliced by white
people, that's the kind of income bracket I'm striving for.
That's when you know you've made it,
when you're eating mango that was sliced
by a dude named Noah, I want Noah mango,
Rebecca kiwi, Danielle pineapple.
You know what else I want?
I want to be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk,
see a quarter and just keep on walking.
(audience laughs)
Like a princess.
Our nanny is 62 years old.
Yes I would never accept anything younger than 62 years old.
(audience applause)
If you are hiring a 25 year old pretty young thing
to be your nanny, you a dumb ass.
(audience laughs)
Do you not read People Magazine?
You don't know what's up?
That's inviting a marriage grenade into your home.
(audience laughs)
When you have a newborn baby, your marriage
is very weak because you're both stressed out,
you look like shit because you don't shower no more,
you're resentful of each other, who's idea
was it to bring this new roommate into the world?
(audience laughs)
Your marriage is very vulnerable and easy
for an outsider to invade and colonize.
If we had hired a 25 year old man who was
not ugly
(audience laughs)
great with my daughter and said yes immediately
to every chore I asked him to do with a positive attitude
(audience laughs)
oh you best believe that I would eat
the shit out of his butt hole.
(audience laughs)
Everyday, everyday would be an all day nanny
butt hole buffet, I don't care if his 25 year old
butt cheeks got all nervous and clenched up
and closed on my face like elevator doors
I would get in there and just.
(audience laughs)
Like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, just.
(audience laughs)
Lately I have been ruminating a lot over this one time
I hooked up with this dude and in the middle of kissing
I felt the responsibility to stop and say
hey, I should really let you know now before we go
any further that I'm on my period.
And he was like oh, well,
then let's make a fucking mess Ally.
(audience laughs)
To this day that is the most romantic thing
anybody has ever said to me.
I think about it when I feel down and ugly and no good.
All I have to do is remember that there was once
a man out there who was willing to yank out
my tampon and replace it with his dick.
It made me feel beautiful.
Beautiful!
(audience applause)
There is nothing more empowering and truly feminist
than what that man said that day.
That is straight up #imwithher.
(audience applause)
When my husband and I were trying to have a kid
a lot of people were like oh my God that's so hot.
You guys doing a lot of fucking?
No dude, that's shit you do in your 20s, okay?
When you're in your 30s and you've been trying
to get pregnant for a while it gets very clinical.
You pee on these ovulation strips that tell you when
the eggs are dropping, it tells you when it's Easter time.
(audience laughs)
And I would only fuck him when it was Easter time.
It was like only four days out of the month
and outside of that I would be like we're not fucking.
I need you to save it.
I want your sperm to be as pent up and as angry
and rapey as possible so that when they come out
it's like release the Kraken!
And they just come out like a bunch of angry refugees
escaping a dictatorship, you know?
(audience laughs)
And yeah and most of the time we wouldn't even have sex
because I was so tired when I would come home
and see the smiley face on the ovulation strip
and I'd be like okay it's go time,
and I would just give my husband a hand job most of the time
and he would close his eyes immediately.
I know what that means, okay?
When somebody closes their eyes during sex
it's not because they're in such ecstasy with you
that they need to close their eyes.
When somebody closes their eyes during sex
it's because they're literally trying to shut the image
of your face out of their head and instead
project two Latina lesbians that they saw earlier that day
on Red Tube onto the back of their eyelids.
Which is fine by me because then he doesn't
have to see the expression on my face
that says please hurry the fuck up.
And then when he was about to finish I could always tell
because the indication is very universal
when a man is about to finish.
It's when they get that stupid ass look on their face
where they look like they just got bit by a zombie.
(audience laughs)
And then because we're hippies I'd be like hey,
hey, please look me in the eye and
remember to cum with intention, okay?
And then I would jump on him and hold onto his neck
and I would just twerk, twerk, twerk the shit out of him
and do some of this shit that I learned in Atlanta,
ha ha ha ha ha, and then I would turn upside down
immediately afterwards to make sure all of that
Harvard nectar would just drain inside of me.
That's right because I don't want to work anymore.
(audience laughs)