WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I HOPE EVERYONE--
I HOPE EVERYONE WATCHING IN THE MIDWEST RIGHT NOW IS INSIDE,
STAYING WARM.
RECORD COLD, JON, RECORD COLD.
YOU KNOW IT-- I'VE SAID IT MANY TIMES, IF YOU DON'T BUNDLE UP IN
CHICAGO, YOUR JUNK WILL FREEZE AND SNAP OFF LIKE A GRAHAM
CRACKER.
THINGS ARE SO BAD-- IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE-- THINGS ARE SO BAD,
THE GOVERNOR OF WISCONSIN HAS DECLARED AN EMERGENCY.
SO WISCONSINITES HAVE SOUGHT SHELTER UNDER A THICK LAYER OF
MELTED CHEDDAR.
( LAUGHTER )
EXPECTED TO REACH "MINUS 50 IN CHICAGO AND MINUS 60 IN
MINNEAPOLIS."
I TELL YOU-- I'M GOING TO SAY IT-- THE VIRAL MARKETING FOR
"GAME OF THRONES" HAS GONE TOO FAR!
WE GET IT!
WINTER IS COMING!
IT'S A VERY DANGEROUS SITUATION, AND LAST NIGHT, OUR PRESIDENT
HAD A MESSAGE FOR THOSE FACING THE BIG CHILL:
"IN THE BEAUTIFUL MIDWEST, WINDCHILL TEMPERATURES ARE
REACHING MINUS 60 DEGREES, THE COLDEST EVER RECORDED.
IN COMING DAYS, EXPECTED TO GET EVEN COLDER.
PEOPLE CAN'T LAST OUTSIDE EVEN FOR MINUTES.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH GLOBAL WAMING?
PLEASE COME BACK FAST, WE NEED YOU!"
( LAUGHTER )
WAIT, JIM, YOU CAN GO BACK.
WHAT DID THAT SAY ON THAT THING?
WHAT THE SCHEDULE GOING ON WITH GLOBAL WAMING?
IT DIDN'T EVEN SAY WARMING.
IT SAID GLOBAL WAMING.
THESE TEMPERATURES ARE ACTUALLY CAUSED BY GLOBAL WAMING, SIR.
BESIDES, JUST BECAUSE IT'S COLD NOW DOESN'T MEAN CLIMATE CHANGE
IS A MYTH.
(AS TRUMP
HAPPENING NOW?
AND IF DEATH IS REAL, WHY AREN'T WE ALL DEAD, OKAY?
DEATH IS JUST A CHINESE HOAX JUST TO RAISE MONEY FOR BIG
COFFIN."
SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT TRUMP HOPES AREN'T REAL: THE MUELLER
INVESTIGATION.
TODAY, WE HEARD MORE FROM TRUMP CONFIDANTE AND MAN WHO HAD TO
--
BAIL BOND," ROGER STONE.
STONE'S BEEN INDICTED ON SEVEN CHARGES, AND TODAY HE PLEAD NOT
GUILTY TO ALL OF THEM.
SO HE CLAIMS TO BE INNOCENT, BUT HIS RICHARD NIXON BACK TATTOO
BEGS TO DIFFER.
>> ROGER STONE IS A CROOK.
ALSO, HELP!
I'VE BEEN TRAPPED ON THIS BACK SINCE I DIED.
I'VE SEEN HORRIBLE THINGS!
>> Stephen: BUT STONE MAY BE THE LAST TRUMP ASSOCIATE ARRESTED BY
MUELLER, IF YOU BELIEVE FAKE ATTORNEY GENERAL AND 'ROID BABY,
MATT WHITAKER.
( LAUGHTER )
ANOTHER CASE, WHITAKER SAID THIS:
>> YOU KNOW, I'M COMFORTABLE THAT THE DECISIONS THAT WERE
MADE ARE GOING TO BE UM, REVIEWED, YOU KNOW.
EITHER THROUGH THE VARIOUS MEANS WE HAVE.
BUT RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW, THE INVESTIGATION IS, I THINK, CLOSE
TO BEING COMPLETED.
AND I HOPE THAT WE CAN GET THE REPORT FROM DIRECTOR MUELLER AS
SOON AS WE-- AS POSSIBLE.
( LAUGHTER )
WOW!
>> Stephen: MUELLER'S CLOSE.
MUELLER IS CLOSE.
HE JUST NEEDS TO CROSS HIS "Ts" AND INDICT HIS DON JRs.
AND WE'LL BE ALL-- HE SEEMS REALLY NERVOUS.
DOESN'T HE SEEM SUPER NERVOUS THERE?
YEAH.
IS THIS THE ATTORNEY GENERAL OR THE HENCHMAN COMING BACK TO TELL
THE EVIL QUEEN HE DOESN'T HAVE SNOW WHITE'S HEART IN A BOX?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
'S
"UH, THERE WAS A WOODSMAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I SAW THESE-- I SAW THESE SEVEN LITTLE GUYS OUT THERE.
AND ONE OF THEM WAS, UH, VERY GRUME, AND ONE WAS, UH-- ONE
WAS, UH, VERY UNINTELLIGENT, AND ONE APPEARED TO BE A MEDICAL
PROFESSIONAL.
AND THE ENTIRE TIME THAT THEY WERE DOING THE JOB THAT WE SAW,
THEY-- THEY CONTINUED TO, UH, TO WHIFTDLE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
A LOT OF PEOPLE-- THAT'S NICE.
THANK YOU.
Y'ALL ARE A REALLY CHEAP DATE.
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY IT'S UNHEARD OF FOR AN ATTORNEY
GENERAL TO PUT ANY TIMELINE OF ANY KIND ON AN ONGOING FEDERAL
INVESTIGATION.
BUT IT'S ALSO UNHEARD OF FOR THE NATION'S TOP LAW ENFORCEMENT
OFFICER TO HAWK A "MASCULINE TOILET" FOR THE WELL-ENDOWED, OR
CLAIM THAT "BIGFOOT DOES EXIST."
"NO, NO, I'LL FIND HIM, AND I WILL SELL HIM MY GIANT PENIS
TOILET.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: BIG FEET...
( LAUGHTER )
WHETHER HE SHOULD HAVE SAID IT OR WHAT IT MEANS OR WHATEVER.
WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS HOW HARD HE IS SWEATING WHEN HE SAYS IT.
I THINK WE KNOW WHERE THE GLOBAL WARMING HAS GONE.
FORGET THE MASCULINE TOILET.
HE NEEDS TO INVENT A HEAD ANTIPERSPIRANT.
I SUGGEST "KEEPING THE PRESIDENT'S SECRET: STRONG
ENOUGH FOR A MAN, MADE FOR A TOADY."