Things to do during Lockdown.
An essay of sorts by James Veitch.
Create aesthetically pleasing line of tonic waters in fridge
Open window to feel fresh air
Administer chewable vitamin C tablet
Read letters of John Keats to ascertain what he did on this day in 1817.
T
Discover fresh air colder than anticipated.
Make list of people who have wronged you.
Practice placing hat on head in fun way.
Realise John Keats lived just up the road.
Marvel at nature of time
Administer chewable vitamin C,
consider getting dog
caffeine.
Wonder whether John Keats
liked dogs.
Decide to bake,
pretend to be Apple Genius.
Unfortunately, you have too many bookmarks
Realise you have literally not one of the ingredients needed to bake
Discover olive tree in garden.
Check olive tree for harvest
Establish harvest consists of single olive.
Hello little guy
Wistfully consider symbolism.
Are you sad?
I'm afraid it's liquid damaged.
Theres nothing I can do
Argue with customer.
Yeah, you could, you could talk to my manager.
I'll tell you now she's just gonna give you the same, same answer I do.
Just wasting her time.
It's wasting, it's wasting, you know,
I'll go ask.
I'll go ask,
Get undermined by fictional manager.
Yeah, she said that was fine.
Work out chords to Radiohead song
Become convinced playing Radiohead song with accurate time signature.
I've got it
Clearly do not have it
Compose song inspired by recent events.
He was just a solitary olive.
But where were his friends?
His friends, little olive friends
he could not see,
Realise possibly worst song ever written
that's just not good
Stream video reading excerpts from DH.Lawrence's "Lady Chatterley's Lover"
Under her frail petticoat
she was naked
Look up what the Beatles did on this day in 1967,
discover only Paul and John play on "The Ballad of John and Yoko"
Administer chewable vitamin C tablet
She felt the glide of his cheek on her thighs and belly and buttocks
and her knees began to quiver
While in hammock, perform reappraisal of olive song.
Decide upon new approach.
I am an olive
Change tense of olive song to sing from olive's point of view.
and i'm living livin' in this tree
Decide this has changed song meaning
Would you like to meet my friends
Oh no, it's just me.
'Cos I am an olive
realise actively creating masterpiece
participating in this charade.
Imagine crowd singing along
I just one day want to be some nice
tapenade
Play "Animal Crossing" and discover bunny has appeared on Island.
All bunny does is smile and dance.
Work on Bob Dylan impression
My name's ...
Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands
Administer chewable vitamin C tablet
Begin to hate bunny.
Vow to destroy Bunny by any means necessary.
Administer chewable, vitamin C tablet
Discover board game online actually called "Pandemic"
Order board game
Discover board game meant for two to four players.
Consider this short-sighted
Establish single net ineffective on bunny. Ask friend for backup.
Have a chewable vitamin C.
Thanks guys.
I'll be back online in an hour or so.
Need more help with bunny so post open invite to Animal Crossing island on Twitter,
Prepare Island for arrival of internet strangers.
[not good Dylan impression] Hello
Sounds like Cartman
Enjoy pummeling bunny with internet strangers
Become concerned about possible consequences of eating four times
RDA of vitamin C in half an hour
Panic because realise possibly inadvertently traumatising child.
Stage Bob Dylan concert in living room.
Leave stage
Realise it's your fantasy anyway so begin to hear the crowd asking for you back
Return for encore
Quickly get carried away
[poor rendition of It Ain't Me Babe]
[awful]
[abysmal]
[wailing]
[Mighty Quinn not good either]
[whenwillthisend]
It's been a while since I played this one
And how many days must I stay in here before they say I can go out.
After few drinks decide good idea to stream Elton John concert on Instagram
This is a little song I wrote
It's a little bit funny
Because of alcohol, at some stage, become convinced am Elton John
see the red tail lights
can you feel the love
[more wailing]
Rocket man. Something something something something
candle burned out
rocking it's something shocking
Interrupt concert to talk to fans.
no I'm really sorry.
I'll I'll keep it down.
La la la la la
Pause to check Instagram comments.
Realise you've been performing to fewer than 10 people.
Guys let's get real.
We're in a bit of trouble because I've got this book out Dot Con
and it's all the kind of scams from back in the day.
But with, with a few more it's the American release.
Problem is
is a puppy puppy.
The problem is I've said things to the publishers.
And I think those things that I said led them to believe that
I was more popular than I am.
I think it was, we sold about four.
What else was I gonna say.
basically.
I need you to get on, you know any, any major books bookseller site
and buy this book because otherwise I'm in I'm in significant trouble
. Second thing is.
Lockdown! (The Game) You may have see the vid.
If you haven't, that's a terrible mistake.
If you miss the Kickstarter, it's on my website, the merchandise website.
Weneedtotalkabouttheducks.com you can buy it there.
You get all sorts of cool cards.
I don't. I mean, I can't be bothered. lots of cards.
Let's just look at the puppy.
What's that? What's that?
You think everyone should buy a copy of my book?
What are you saying? I'm just using you to make ...
That's not true.
Everybody would watch this bit even if there weren't a puppy
What's that? Available on Amazon and all major booksellers?
Uh huh
I posed on James's floor today.
Okay.
[strange noise]
That wasn't me.
I just want to point out those.
[even stranger noise]
Look at the puppy.. Say you want people to buy.
you want people to buy? Yes you do, yes you do.
This is what my YouTube channel has just deteriorated into