- (office chatter)
- Tell me it's Monday without telling me it's Monday.
Am I talking to a wall?
- Okay...
- So we have a new girl in the office,
and apparently she used to work at TikTok
as the main voice-to-text person or whatever.
She's been here for three hours
and I don't know if this is the best fit for her.
- I've worked for banks,
I've worked for voicemail answering machine services,
but no one ever let me be funny.
I'm excited to finally be me (laughing haltingly).
- Calcium carbonate, niacinamide-
- Hey, can you-
- Read louder? Absolutely.
Red dye #40. Adjust accordingly. microwaves vary.
- All she does is read things.
- All right, so I'm not really supposed
to talk about this yet, so... (shushing)
But there is this new video game
I'm doing a voice on and it's super interesting.
I get to go- - Z-Z-Z-Z-Z.
Your story sucks, Damian Haas.
I wish I could forget it on purpose.
P-O-V-V-V-V you're boring the (beep) out of me.
Keurig!
- I mean, it's not the voice that bothers me,
all my relatives in Boston talk like that.
It's just that she's, like, kinda really mean.
- Amanda, I love your dress.
- Are you being sarcastic?
- No, I mean it. I love that it makes your shoulders
look disproportionately large.
- That's so insulting!
- Only if you're ashamed
of your disproportionately large shoulders.
Learn to take a joke ha-ha.
Bitch!
- You're a bitch.
(door opening)
- This toilet paper has caused inflammation
on my yeast infection.
Who here buys this toilet paper?
Raise your hand! Raise it.
- Look, I'm all for giving everybody a chance,
but I don't know anyone
who likes working with this girl.
Except for Kimmy. They really hit it off.
- I love your vibe.
- I love your vibe!
Will you be at my wedding?
- I would be honored! I'm actually an ordained minister.
Allow me to demonstrate. Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to celebrate the love of two incredible souls
that found each other while floating in space.
- Wait? People find her annoying? In what way?
- Q-Q-Q-Q-Q. (speaking gibberish)
Is my vocal gift a blessing or a curse?
I am so tired. I hope to one day know peace.
[Dramatic Striking Music]
- Are you recording me, Chance?
- What? No.
- I do not consent to being recorded.
- I'm not- Hey! (phone slamming)
- Who put you up to this, you spy?
Was it my parole officer?
That mother (beep) is so obsessed with me.
- No, no, no, no, I need rice!
I need rice!
(uplifting music)
- Hey, so we're going to have to ask you to leave.
- P-O-V. You're trying to get rid of me?
- TikTok Voice Girl. we're sorry, it's just not working out.
- You're all fake, lying bitches.
- [All] Okay, whoa!
- No, maybe she's right. Okay?
Let's just give her another month.
- Oh my god, you're doing it too.
- Doing what? You're a fake lying bitch.
(everyone gasping) (stuttering)
(trashcan violently slamming)
(stuttering)
- You are all jealous of me
and it's obvious why.
You're all pathetic losers
who wish you were relevant on TikTok like me.
The best thing about my time here
was having a yeast infection.
- Okay TikTok girl, you need to go.
- I'm going to light your vehicles on fire right now.
You better sleep with one eye open.
I will find your families' homes and doxx them.
I will find your dogs and leave them at the dog park
in the big dog section.
Where are my keys? (ice falling)
- Are you stealing ice?
- I'm throwing a party later.
None of you are invited you (beep).
I'll see you all at Kimmy's wedding.
- Oh good! You're still coming. Yay!
Bye TikTok girl.
- Exit. Stop. No parking
from 12:00pm to 2:00pm on Wednesdays.
- You know Kimmy, do you still want her?
Because I am a working voice actor and I am available.
[Clears Throat]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today-
(everyone protesting)
- I hated that. No, no.
fake bitch.
(beep)
- Prescription 25 over 30
- You know my glasses prescription?
(both laughing) (beep)
(speaking gibberish)
- Okay, stop. Stop!
(gibberish continues) - Stop!
(both laughing)
(beep) (group conversing)
- [Patrick] Pause, pause, pause.
Go back to Damien's line.
Rachel you are in the shot.
Can we get you out of there?
(everyone laughing)