I used to hate my body
Warning: today we’re talking about body image, weight, eating disorders etc
I was taught to hate my body at a young age.
“Are you anorexic?” “Real women have curves.” “If I hug you,
you might break.” were some of the things I’d hear.
“You don’t have enough ass to wear leggings.” Yeah, a guy actually told me that.
“Do you even eat?” I was asked by a teacher. I spent the rest of that day crying in the bathroom.
Girls at school would grab my waist and wrist like I was a mannequin. Let’s just say
I avoided wearing anything tight-fitting at all costs.
You know how you get your class photo taken in school? Yeah, in
7th or 8th grade, I can’t quite remember, I wore sweatpants and a sweatshirt to that.
Whenever I wore leggings, I’d wear three, four or even five of them to appear thicker.
Needless to say, summers weren’t very enjoyable.
Have you ever tried wearing two pairs of jeans at once? I have, and I did, regularly.
I must’ve been rocking the duck-walk.
But hey, I guess I decided I’d rather be called a duck than a stick.
I hated swim class.
I hated lunch hour. I was afraid
people would judge the amount of food I put on my plate and whether or not I finished
the meal. “If I take too little, they’ll think I’m starving myself”, I’d think.
At 14, a crush of mine sent me a photo of “the ideal girl’s body”
and told me that if I looked like that, he’d be into me.
I didn’t like wearing dresses, especially short ones. I wore one to a wedding once,
and one of my first interactions was with a relative who uttered
the words “you’re so skinny!” before even properly greeting me. I was 16.
I didn’t like wearing heels because heels elongate your legs and make them look slimmer.
I did wear heels for my high school graduation though, and it took everything in me
to couple them with a short dress, only to have a guy
in my parallel class call me disgustingly skinny, several times, as I walked past him.
What else do I remember from those early years of my life?
Well, I remember being somewhat of a regular at the doctors, asking them to take my blood
tests. Something must’ve been wrong with me. I was eating just as much as anyone else my age,
or dare I say, more than the average person, but the numbers on the scale remained the same.
Blood tests came back fine, and one doctor told me
to “just stuff my face in as many pizzas and burgers as possible.”
I’d eat so many pastries I’d feel sick, desperately trying to put on weight.
I’d obsess over my BMI; weighing myself several times a day. Never
in the morning though because that’s when you weigh the least, since you haven’t eaten anything.
I was told I could put on some muscle mass, but my gym visits were
often met by comments like “why do you need to be working out? You’re already so skinny.” As if
weight loss is the only reason for working out.
I wish I could say this is the whole story, but it’s only a fraction of it, I’m afraid.
The saddest part about all of this was that I wasn’t doing any of this for myself, not really,
I did it for others.
When I was alone, looking at myself in the mirror, I didn’t see what others saw. I didn’t
mind my skinny legs, they took me to where I needed to be, and I thought my butt was cute.
Unfortunately, at that age, what others think is often much more important than what you,
yourself think. It’s all about fitting in and being accepted by the group.
For some context, I had skipped a grade in school, which meant I was always one or two years
younger than everyone else. So, by default, I was always the smallest one, both by age and by size.
For kids, age and size equates to status and power. The older kids are
the cool kids. The younger ones are the little shits.
Insecurities come in all forms: The way we look or don’t look, the way we are, the way… we are not.
It’s 2022, and I started accepting and loving my body years ago.
I eat what I like, not what has the most calories to make me gain weight.
I wear what I want, not what’s going to hide my skinniness.
I’ve grown to love all the things I used to hate about myself. And.. Here’s that story,
one that I wish I had had access to
back then. (fett dramatisk redigering) On screen “from hating myself to loving myself”.
Before we get into it, I’d like to share with you one of the mental health goals
that I have for this year. This portion of the video is sponsored by BetterHelp.
I want to dig more into my past, to understand what has shaped me into the person I am today.
I can only get so far, trying to do it by myself, and I know that one of the best ways to
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I. Environmental change.
Pre-adults can be very cruel. I’m sure I was at times, too. Most adults, however, know that you
can think something without saying it. Kids don’t really know that. They’re word-vomiting little
creatures. I know that, which is why I don’t hold any resentment towards anyone from the past.
And so, the single biggest shift that changed everything for me was changing my environment,
which, in this case, was going from high school to university, which,
in a way, was like transitioning from teen-hood to adult-hood.
But adults aren’t perfect either, not at all. There may still be people in your surroundings
who put you down in different ways, by
repeatedly spewing out comments and questions in a derogatory way, such as
“when are you having kids?”, “why aren’t you married?” “when are you getting a real job?”.
I’ve learned that WHO I choose to surround myself with has a major impact on my mental health.
II. Finding my “comfort” people. As a kid, I didn't really have anyone around me who’s body
shape resembled mine, so I looked for celebrities. People like Kaia Gerber and Kendall Jenner,
made me feel like I could be skinny and still be confident and cool. They were showing off their
legs in short skirts and bikinis and rocking it; and it made me feel like I could do it too.
Looking back, I don ‘t think I realized, at the time, how important those
“role models” were on my journey to self-acceptance.
III. Don’t suffer in silence As I was writing for this video, I asked my mom about how much
of this she was aware of. And she was aware of some of it, but not all of it.
And I know why. Back then, I was too ashamed to tell her, or to tell anyone, for that matter. I
didn’t want to seem weak, I guess, and I also think I just wanted to pretend like I wasn’t
very bothered by it, and by telling someone, It would become real - I didn’t want that.
I’m glad I told her some of it, but looking back, that’s definitely the one thing I
would’ve done differently. I would’ve opened up more to people I trusted.
IV. Asking myself who am I doing it for?
I’m naturally slim. Could I have gained some weight had I done
heavy lifting 5 days a week at the gym and eaten 5,000 calories a day?
Perhaps. But for who? Why? I liked myself, until others told me I shouldn’t.
If you’re being picked on for something or if you have an insecurity or doubts,
ask yourself what YOU think of that thing.
As Ryan Gosling said in my favorite movie The Notebook (sarcasm) WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Do you want to change your body for YOU, or is it for someone else?
Do you want to be in a relationship, or do you actually want to be single,
but being single makes you feel inadequate because of the judgments of others?
Do you want to study engineering, or are your parents pressuring you into it?
Do you want to go to that party, or would you rather stay at home,
but you don’t want to be seen as a loser?
Doing things that YOU don’t believe in,
for OTHERS, has regret written all over it, in my experience.
VI. I got some perspective. Sometimes, all we need is a little perspective.
Yes, I want to look good, we all do. When I work out and I see
physical changes in the mirror, I strike a lil pose and do a lil dance.
But as I’ve gotten older, my perspective’s changed from ““I want to LOOK like this” to “I want to
FEEL like this”. My body wasn’t made to be pleasing to the eye of others;
it was made to get me through the day; to carry me through life.
Our bodies are working extremely hard for us, every second of every day, in a system so complex
it’s quite impossible to comprehend.
And that matters more than how my bum looks in leggings. Although, that’s nice, too.