Snape: God damn us, every one.
[intro]
[intro] "I'm Harry, Harry Potter."
Hey guys! Tessa here,
and for today's video,
Snape is going to be reading my hate comments.
But first, we will unbox!
A big thanks to Crate Joy for sponsoring this video.
Crate Joy is the one and only online subscription box marketplace.
If you like subscription boxes, you can go to cratejoy.com
and shop all the best ones in one place.
Treat yourself!-
- or someone you love to gifts that come straight to your door!
It's like Christmas every time you get a new box!
The box that I will be opening is a Geek Gear,
World of Wizardry.
Geek Gear is a monthly subscription box that sends a collection of Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts
merchandise, clothing, and snacks, directly from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
This box is customized based on your Hogwarts house!
So you'll receive items that are curated just for you!
They work directly with Warner Brothers to bring you exclusive licensed merchandise that you can't get anywhere else.
And not only does Geek Gear offer a Wizarding World merchandise box,
but they also offer an exclusive Geek Gear and World of Wizardry pin subscription.
Find it all at cratejoy.com.
Okay, let's open it!
Urrrrgh!
(angelic choir impression)
Look at the Ravenclaw!
Oh my gosh, I see a niffler!
♪ Every day I'm nifflin'! ♪
Look at how cute he is!
It'll match my Newt coat!
Aaaaahh I love it.
Socks!
You can never go wrong with a pair of Harry Potter socks in Ravenclaw colours.
Not only are they great for you, but also, for the house elf in your life.
What is this?
Is this a wand?
It's a wand!
It's Newt's! Guys!!
It has the little bite marks on it, because he holds it in his mouth.
So pretty!
So many Fantastic Beast things, I'm so happy!
Here's something else!
What is this?
Harry!
[laughs]
Doesn't this look like a little Harry Potter Oscar?
I'd like to thank everyone who inspired me to start this channel-
(Harry impression) I'm gonna teach you my favourite spell.
(Harry impression) Expelliarmus!
This is amazing, I'm obsessed with this!
Keychaiiiin!!
♪ Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy warty Hogwarts ♪
To show my school spirit.
Oh my gosh!
Guys, I was just on this train in Scotland!
I'm so happy this was in here!
Oh my gosh. I'm gonna cry.
And also it comes with this booklet, to explain everything that came in your box!
Here are the socks in the other houses.
And here are all of the keychains you coulda gotten.
Next month's box hint!
Knight Bus!
(shrunken head impression) It's gonna be a bumpy ride!
Okay, I am super impressed by this box.
It has so much stuff in it?!
And it's all licensed Harry Potter!
I love how it's house themed, because that just makes it so much more special.
It's so hard to find Ravenclaw things, so whenever we can get,
like, really exclusive cool merchandise, it's amazing!
And without further ado,
accio Snape!
Snape: Hello everyone,
welcome to another exciting episode of
The Potion Master's Hate Comments...
[Tessa giggles]
...Corner.
Yeah, I don't know, I secretly wrote all of these under various aliases.
I hope you don't mind.
Have you ever been on 4chan?
That's just me.
Tessa: Okay, let's get goin'!
Tessa: Okay, let's get goin'! Snape: Alright, let's read the first comment.
Snape: Alright, let's read the first comment.
Snape: "she should buy a sewing kit and sew her lips together,"
"then get them coated in cement,"
"then padlocked then just to be safe a couple nails"
I don't know why you'd want to treat her to an awesome spa day like that,
[Tessa laughs] but if you really love her that much, be my guest.
Tessa: That's a spa day?
Snape: That's what I do for fun.
"I want to grab my upper lip, and rip it upwards all the way to the back of my skull"
[Tessa laughs] That actually sounds like a really good idea for you.
I recommend that you do that.
"This video makes me want to violently vomit out my ass. This isn't a lie. I want to throw up out my ass."
Well dumbsh*t that's just called diarrhea.
[Tessa laughs]
You can't vomit out your ass.
Unless you have an ass for a face,
in which case, maybe you're correct, you should vomit out your ass.
I'll do you one better!
I don't want to vomit out my ass,
I want to diarrhea out of my f***ing mouth.
F***ing assface.
Vomitface.
Assface.
Vomitf***.
"Why is every lesbian Harry Potter freak called Tessa?"
If you know where these lesbian Harry Potter freaks called Tessa are,
please let me know! Just a little message,
time, place, where they meet up,
that sounds like the kind of place I'd like to be.
"I can't sleep at night now because of this woman"
Same.
That's not really a hate comment, that's actually probably more of a compliment.
I can't sleep at night 'cause I sleep in a coffin full of nails.
You don't see me on the internet bitching about it.
In to the panda hat we go, out with another comment.
"f***ing bich be die you not harry potter"
Thank the lord she's not Harry Potter.
[Tessa laughs]
I hate that guy.
[Tessa laughs] "Cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe
[Tessa laughs] cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe."
What's...
wrong...
with...
cringe...?
It's Cringemas.
Merry Cringemas!
Tessa: Merry Cringemas!
Merry Cringemas, Snape.
Snape: God damn us, every one.
"I stared to long on this tatas"
You and me both, brother.
[Tessa laughs]
"harry potter and THE STUPID F***ING BITCH"
That's so funny you mention that, 'cause a-actually
that was the name of the novel I wrote
and, and pitched, and they rejected it.
I've got some alternate titles.
Harry Potter and the Professor Who Saved My Life 100 F***ing Times.
Harry Potter and the Guy Who Should've Married My Mum.
Harry Potter and the I Could've Been Your Stepdad.
"Now try imagine her in normal life around friends."
Joke's on you, she doesn't have any friends.
[Tessa giggles]
More hate comments, yaaaaayyy!!
Tessa: Yaaayyy! More hate comments, yaaaaayyy!!
"horrible singing and 100% cringe"
How dare you talk to me that way.
I have a lovely singing voice.
Tessa: Do you wanna sing something?
Snape: ♪ I knew you were trouble when you walked in ♪
♪ Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground ♪
Haaaaah!
[Tessa giggles]
Haaaaah!
Tessa: Are you- Snape: ♪ Trouble trouble trouble ♪
Snape: ♪ Trouble trouble trouble ♪
Tessa: Are you a Taylor Swift fan?
Snape: Haaaahh!
Haaaaahh!
[Tessa laughs]
♪ Trouble trouble trouble ♪
Tessa: Do you like Taylor Swift?
Snape: Haaaaahh!!
♪ Trouble trouble trouble ♪
Haaaahh!!
"You sound like a strangled cat."
[Tessa laughs]
You're not being specific enough.
There are many different ways to strangle a cat.
Always telling me things, "don't strangle cats,"
"have to eat food, don't sleep in a coffin,"
"don't kill Dumbledore, Harry Potter should not be harassed,"
all these rules.
We're sick of your rules, man.
"Like f*** off I don't care that you like Harry potter you still obviously don't know what good shit is,"
"like how is harry potter geeky, don't say sh*t like geek with me,"
"Harry potter is a badass movie with badass characters and a badass story!!!"
Nobody cares if you like Harry Potter.
I don't like Harry Potter.
You can just go away.
Harry Potter has a bad ass, in that
it barely controls itself and is constantly pooping in his own pants.
I know that because I'm a professor.
So when he poops in his own pants, he has to come to the Headmaster's office,
we'll find a teacher to help him change his sh*t pants.
"Dude Harry Potter sucks f***ing balls-"
Agreed.
[Tessa laughs]
I'm a big Star Wars fan.
[Tessa laughs]
"-same with that sh*tty Hamilton musical grow the f*** up nerds"
Tessa: Do you like Hamilton?
Snape: Oh I love Hamilton.
♪ Dun dadadadun dadadadun dadada ♪
♪ How does a bastard, orphan, son of a bitch ♪
♪ motherf***ing dude who everyone doesn't like ♪
♪ grow up to be the Headmaster of Hogwarts ♪
♪ for just a few weeks, but still counts ♪
Hamilton: A Slytherin Tale.
And it's about this sort of like, young, scrappy, hungry kid,
who grows up and he doesn't really have any friends 'cause he's too smart,
and he's in love with his next-door neighbour girl,
who's like, from a nice family,
but then she grows up and marries this douchebag
who totally picked on Hamilton all through Hogwarts,
and so the end of the story is supposed to be that
Hamilton kills James... Burr,
and uh, everyone lives happily ever after,
but they changed the ending for the musical.
Tessa: Ohh. but they changed the ending for the musical.
Who watches musicals anyway.
[car alarm]
[Tessa laughs] [car alarm]
I want to thank you all for joining me on another exciting episode of
The Potion Master's Hate Comments Corner.
Tessa: Of Tessa's channel... The Potion Master's Hate Comments Corner.
The Potion Master's Hate Comments Corner.
Tessa: Nooo. Snape: ...Thing...
Tessa: This is my channel, Snape. Snape: ...Channel...
Snape: Haaaaahh!!
Tessa: Say goodbye, Snape!
Snape: Goodbye, Snape!
[Tessa laughs]
Snape: Alright, turn this off, I need to get drunk.
Tessa: Thank you guys so much for watching this video.
This is Snape, aka Joe Moses,
and you can follow him on-
Joe: Instagram and Twitter, if you're a nerd.
@thejoemoses
See ya there, panda bear.
Tessa: I know that there were a lot of hate comments in this video,
but I wanted to thank you guys for leaving nice comments!
You guys are the best and I love you so much!
Check out my description box, thumbs up if you like this video,
and don't let the muggles get you down.
Stay gold, starfish.
Byeee!
[beep]
(Harry impression) I'm just so angry, all the time!
Snape: "Everyone knows the proper way to get a horcrux is to kill a ginger."
Tessa: Oh.
Snape: I don't know why this is in the hate comments section, this is just a fact.
Tessa: I know that there were a lot of hate comments on here, but-
[both laugh]
Get out of here!
Guys, I know that there's a lot of hate comments on-
[both laugh]
[outro] "But you know,"
[outro]
[outro] "happiness can be found"
[outro]
[outro] "even in the darkest of times"
[outro]
[outro] "if one only remembers"
[outro]
[outro] "to turn on the light."
[outro]
[outro] "Expecto Patronum!!"