The very fact that you're watching this video leads me to believe that you have
heard the word limerence before.
Let me explain just a little bit about it. If I may,
to make sure that we're talking about the same thing,
when a person identifies himself or herself as being madly in love,
it can be that what they're describing is a thing that we call limerence.
L I M E R E N C E.
And the title of this video led you here because of the fact that your spouse,
at least as far as you can tell, is in limerence with another person.
And you want to know what to do on your side of this. Okay.
Let me give you three do's and let me give you three don'ts. Okay.
Here's the first thing to do. Educate yourself about limerence,
but be very, very careful. I'm Dr. Joe Beam.
Right here on our YouTube channel, our Marriage Helper YouTube channel,
you can find several videos about limerence.
Some that I've done, some that our CEO, Kimberly Holmes, has done.
And if you go listen to all of those, you'll learn a great deal about limerence.
But don't think it's going to make you an expert. As a matter of fact,
we recommend that you do not try to become an expert.
You can also find articles about limerence on our website, marriagehelper.com.
By the way, right now let me ask you a favor.
If you have not yet done so... please subscribe to this YouTube channel.
You can do it right down there below and hit that bell, if you will.
And then you'll be informed every time one of our new videos comes out.
And we can make sure that you have at your fingertips,
everything you need to know to help you understand various aspects of what
happens when marriages get into trouble.
Now, again, there are other videos here about limerence,
but let me give you three do's and three don'ts about that.
The first I just started with, which is educate yourself, but be careful.
And the reason I said be careful is because of this:
if you type in the word limerence into Google or Yahoo,
or whatever search engine you enjoy,
you'll see that millions and millions of websites are going to come back.
You'll typically go through one or two, maybe three or four pages,
clicking links.
And some of the information you'll see there is extremely good.
And some of the information that you'll see there... is not so good.
You see,
the word limerence was coined by Dr. Dorothy Tennov back in the 1970s.
She did some qualitative research. What that means is,
that she interviewed a whole lot of people, asking them questions,
and then tried to put all that data together into some form
that's understandable. And she wrote a book about limerence. Which,
interestingly,
was by and large rejected by the counseling and therapeutic community in the
1970s.
Like "mmm we don't think she's right at all." We give kudos to her because she
did some amazing work. At the same time,
because she did her research in a qualitative type way,
made some miscalculations, if you will.
Or at least misinterpretations of what people were saying.
And many of the websites out there, if you look up limerence,
are just quoting her. Now, again, we're fans of Tennov,
even though she has since died. We are fans of Tennov,
and give her kudos because of the fact that she introduced the subject.
Even when it was not popular and people were rejecting it right and left.
As a matter of fact,
I'm often invited to come teach in counseling centers,
to counselors and therapists who have never heard, even today,
of the word limerence,
which is absolutely fascinating because there's great research out there about
it.
Plus, we've been dealing with it for more than 25 years.
What I mean by that is that we've been doing workshops for marriages in crisis.
And two thirds, 67%, of the couples that come to their workshop,
have their marriage affected by infidelity. An affair. Either his or hers,
or for both. And quite often,
one of those two people is in limerence with somebody else when they come to the
workshop. Well, we've seen a lot of it. We understand it. I,
myself actually went through it back in the eighties to the point that it cost
me my marriage.
I divorced my wife for another woman with whom I was in limerence.
Although at the time, I had no idea what limerence was. Well,
by the grace of God, my wife and I married each other again, three years later.
And I've been married now a long time in this stretch over 30 years.
And not only then do I understand limerence from having been through it,
but I have read the research.
And continue to read the research about it to stay up on it.
And I'm suggesting that if you want to understand how to interact with your
spouse while he or she is in limerence...
Then educate yourself on it, but be careful.
Because a lot of the websites you're going to look at are going to be quoting
Tennov, which will be good, but we've learned so much more since then.
And therefore, we know that some of the things that Tennov said,
aren't exactly right. And then of course, like everything else on the internet,
there are some people who read an article here, or read something there,
or heard somebody say something here. And all of a sudden,
they became "experts" on the subject.
Even though they have no criteria for being so. No education,
no studying.
Just somebody who's very interested,
who now wants to share what he or she has learned. Well, kudos to them for that,
wanting to share what you've learned. But unfortunately,
sometimes the things that you share can be quite misleading and leading you in
the wrong direction. So, while you educate yourself about limerence,
make sure you be careful about whom you're reading and what they have to say.
So, please check out the articles on our website. We'd love for you to do that.
Check out the videos here on YouTube. We'd love for you to do that.
And learn as much as you can,
because it will help you understand what your spouse is thinking...
and what they're not thinking. What they're feeling...
and what they're not feeling. Some of the crazy behaviors that they do.
Sometimes you're thinking to yourself,
"I don't even know who she is anymore or who he is anymore."
And we can help you understand a lot of that.
Now we have more than just the things you can find here.
And you can check into other resources that we have,
but educate yourself as best as you can about limerence.
But not to the point where you think you're an expert.
Keep your mind open enough to understand it. "Well,
I understand these things or know these things,
but I may not have all of that just exactly right.
And let me keep my mind open to learn new things about it." But educating
yourself about it can help you a lot in understanding your spouse,
and even tolerating your spouse to some degree.
Now,
the second thing you need to decide is whether or not you want to stay in this
marriage. Now, I'm assuming that you do,
or you would not have come to watch this particular video.
Your spouse is in limerence,
and you're trying to figure out how to deal with him or her.
Okay.So I'm assuming then that you do want to be in the marriage.
But maybe you should stop and think that through. Because you see,
if you're going to make it through this,
and if you and your spouse are going to put this back together,
there are going to be some bad days.
There are going to be some times when your anger is going to overwhelm you.
Sometimes when the pain is so deep, you feel like you're just going to die.
Do you really want to stand? Even in those days? Oh,
and your family and friends...
Many of them will advise you, "Kick that person out. Get rid of your wife.
Divorce your husband." As a matter of fact, there's one lady said to me,
many years ago, "My friends are all trying to get me to,
at least metaphorically, 'castrate' my husband,
by suing him for this and that.
And doing all kinds of legal ramifications and things." And I said,
"Are you going to do that?" She said, "No." I said,
"But your friends want you to." And she said, "That's my point.
I have enough pain on my own. I don't need to take on theirs." And so,
you'll have a lot of people that love you and care about you,
who are giving what they believe is good advice. I mean, they're not bad people.
But the advice is going to be prejudice because they love you so much.
And they see the pain that you're in.
And that's why I'm saying the second thing is you really should decide whether
you're going to stay in this marriage or not.
Because you're going to have a lot of reasons to leave.
And a lot of people recommending that's exactly what you do.
So we recommend that you think like 10, 10, 10. If you work on this marriage,
and if you possibly can put it back together,
which we're very happy to help you do.
And we've had tremendous success rate with this over the years,
as a matter of fact,
three out of four couples that comes through one of our workshops for this,
for example, are still together.
And these are people where one of them was madly in love with somebody else.
We're really happy about that.
That doesn't mean we can guarantee you 100% that we can help you save your
marriage, but we know what we're doing and we want to help you.
And we can increase the odds dramatically that you guys can work this out.
And so think 10, 10, 10. "If we're able to put it together,
how will I feel about this in 10 weeks?" Now,
think not just if we're able to work it out.
Going through the process is going to be kind of painful.
"If I start this process, and want to try to make it,
how am I going to feel about this in 10 weeks?" And then,
"How am I going to be feeling about this in 10 months?" And then,
"How am I going to be feeling about this in 10 years?".
And that's where you can start thinking about, "Well, you know,
maybe in the next 10 months,
we can start putting this back together." And that's very possible.
I can't promise it. But it's very possible. And "If we do put it together,
how am I going to feel about this 10 years later?" And so when you decide
whether or not you want to work on this marriage, and try to save this marriage,
or just end it... Please think 10, 10, 10. Not just for you...
But also 10, 10, 10 in relationship to your children. If you have children.
In relationship to your spouse and what it is that it will do for him or her,
if you're going to put it back together. And then,
I strongly recommend you write down your reasons for
wanting to stay in this marriage. Because on the tough days,
you're going to want to read that again.
So you can hang on a little bit longer.
And then if you do those two things, the third thing is commit to standing.
The third point is commit to standing. That means even on the tough days,
when you don't think you want to anymore.
It means even when your family and friends are advising against you,
because you see
this is a marathon. It's not a sprint. And if you're tired of hearing that,
think about it this way...
Overnight miracles are exceptionally rare.
People who have anything that is worth fighting for,
will fight as long as it takes to do it. And so, could it take a few weeks?
Could it take a few months? Yeah. In some cases, even some years.
We're not talking about 5, 10, 15 years. We're not talking about that,
but more than 1. More than 2 sometimes.
Are you willing to make that kind of commitment? Now,
I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm just asking you...
If you're really going to stand for this, commit to do that.
So those are the three do's. Educate yourself, but be careful.
Decide where they're going to stand for this marriage. And then if you are...
Make a commitment. And I suggest you make a 24 month commitment.
I'm going to do this for at least 24 months. Now, here are three "don'ts".
Number one- Don't try to educate your spouse. Don't do that.
So many people have come and went through some of our videos,
come through some of our programs...and the next thing you know,
they want to be explaining everything to their spouse. "Oh, you're in limerence.
Here's what that means. And you're not thinking right,
etc." Please don't do that.
Because you'll actually get them to build their defenses.
Now, as they build their defenses,
then if we can get an opportunity somewhere along the line to work with them,
and we try to explain some things to them...
They'll reject it out of hand,
because they've already rejected what you told them.
Please don't prejudice them like that. Plus,
understand what they feel is so powerful. They're not operating out of logic.
They're operating out of emotion. And so you trying to explain with logic,
is certainly not going to overcome those emotions.
And so if you try to explain it to them, if you try to educate them about it,
almost always that backfires. So don't do that. And then a second thing.
And you're not going to like one...
When it comes to interacting with your spouse,
do not in any shape, fashion or form...
Attack or say negative things about the person that your spouse is involved
with.
Oh, I know, I know. You're thinking, "But you don't know him.
You don't know her." I get it. But you see... If he or she,
your husband or wife,
is feeling that kind of things toward her that I'm pretty sure they feel if
they're in limerence.... Then your attacking this other person,
and saying negative things about him or her, is
just going to backfire in all kinds of ways and push your spouse further and
further away from you.
As a matter of fact, please stop thinking about the other person.
That's not who you're in competition with.
You'll find other videos on this site that tell you that.
That's not who you're in competition with. And the third thing is...
before you do anything... actually, I'm just going to say the negative way.
Do not do anything without considering why you're doing it,
and what you expect to happen.
Well, people will call me, "Dr. Beam,
I'm thinking about telling my husband's boss because the woman he's having the
affair with works in the same place." Okay. Well,
what do you expect to accomplish by that?
If you think that's going to get him to come running back into your
arms...what's the likelihood that's going to occur? Now,
if you're just trying to hurt him, and you want to do that,
then you can accomplish that by telling his boss.
But if you're trying to save the marriage, is that really going to help?
If you're going to do whatever it is that you do... Ask yourself to begin with,
"Why am I doing this? What am I wanting to accomplish?"
And then ask the second question,
"What's the likelihood that that's what I'll accomplish?
Or what's the likelihood, that what will occur,
is actually something I don't want to happen?".
So don't try to educate your spouse.
Don't attack the other person they're involved with.
It's not going to be to your benefit.
And do not do anything without stopping to ask yourself the questions first.
Now, we've got all kinds of ways we can help you with that if you'd like.
We have coaches that you can work with. As a matter of fact,
if you call the number you see on the screen right now,
ask to speak to one of our client representatives,
and they can explain all to you about our coaching, how that works.
And you can have a coach work with you one on one deciding how to do these
things. If you prefer, we've got an online course that you can take.
It's got 12 different videos, about a half hour each.
And workbooks that go with that. And transcripts,
and all kinds of cool things with that,
along with an online community that you can be part of. It's called.
"Save My Marriage." Again, you can call this number on the screen,
and ask for a client representative and say, "Well, tell me about the coaching.
But I also want to know about this thing called 'Save My Marriage.
Can you talk about that online course?".
And by the way, if your spouse is at the point where he or she is saying,
"I'm confused about what I feel. I love you, don't want to lose you,
but I want to be with this other person at the same time"...
...There's one other thing we'd ask you to consider. I mentioned it earlier.
It's the workshop we do that has a 3 out of 4 success rate.
And if your spouse is in that vacillating state...
This would be the time to come to the workshop.
Because our workshop leaders understand this to the nth degree and we can help.
And we'd love to help you put this marriage back together. Again,
call that number there. Be sure to subscribe to this channel,
and understand the three do's and three don'ts,
because these will be very important in dealing with a spouse who's in
limerence.
[Inaudible].