Hey did you know that the Japanese in the Heian Period had a whole dating ritual with
cakes and poems and secret creepy night visits?
If you think dating today is complicated, get a load of what they did back then.
The whole process started off with a matchmaker.
By the way, we’re talking about the elites in the Heian court in this video, not peasants.
The matchmaker would let a man or his family know of a lady who would be a good candidate.
It’s weird to us, but they were pretty lax about marriage between relatives.
The only absolutely forbidden, taboo, what the hell is wrong with you marriages were
between a parent and child and between brother and sister.
There was a gray area, which was between stepparent and stepchild.
That was seen as wrong, but you know what, sometimes love finds a way, and people did
it anyways.
Such couples encountered weird looks, but did not encounter mobs with pitchforks.
Anything else was fair game.
Uncles, aunts, nephews, cousins, all perfectly fine.
Alright now both families had to look at all kinds of factors to determine if the two were
a good match.
What was not a factor was the opinion of the couple.
It was very much an arranged marriage for political, economic, or social gain.
The woman’s family wanted a husband who had good connections that would allow him
to rise the ranks in court, preferably a husband who already had a high rank.
The man’s family wanted a sugar mama, a wife from a family that had enough wealth
and resources to support him in his government career.
Daughters actually became more valuable than sons.
You could marry your daughter up into a family of much higher status.
It was harder for your son to marry up because the bride’s family usually wanted someone
of a higher status than them, not some low-status loser.
The Fujiwara famously married their daughters into the Imperial Family, allowing them control
over the Heian court.
Also, children were raised in the wife’s household, giving the wife’s family significant
control over the next generation.
Daughters of powerful clans had a bunch of men chasing after them.
A common trope in Heian literature was the wife battle, where multiple men would compete
for a woman’s hand in marriage.
You can see this in The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter, which coincidentally I made a video
about.
Go watch it after this one.
Okay after all the discussion and negotiation, if each family swipes right, the matchmaker
would set things up, you know gather mailing addresses and phone numbers.
And the dating ritual would commence.
The whole process consisted of an initiation, and three visits.
So let’s paint a picture of our couple.
Our dashing young man is Bob
-bunaga.
And our lovely lady is Nina
-moto.
Bobunaga kicks off the proceedings by writing Ninamoto a poem with 31 syllables called a
tanka (短歌).
He writes something romantic like ahem...
“I can’t stop thinking About the shape of your sleeves
Were it up to me I would crawl deep inside them
And only come out to pee”
After experiencing that romantic, fluid inducing poetry, Ninamoto writes a response poem.
In practice, it was more common for another member of her family to write the poem, someone
who was really good at it.
This response poem is no joke.
Nowadays, we obsess over the meaning of a smile emoji.
Is it just a friendly smile,
or is it a I-want-you-to-hold-me-down-daddy smile?
Sometimes it’s hard to tell.
Well, back in the Heian, they did the same thing times a hundred.
Bobunaga probes every part of that letter, every detail is important.
Is the paper of good quality?
The family must be rich.
Is her calligraphy ugly?
She must be an ugly person.
Is the poem mind blowing?
She must not mind--
He goes through every inch of that letter like a detective, gathering clues about the
mystery girl.
If Bobunaga finds something unspeakable like an ink smudge, he’d ghost her and move on.
But the poem is pretty good, so they make plans to secretly meet at her place at night.
Let’s call this the first visit because...that’s what it is.
Now about these secret visits.
The lady’s family was not supposed to know about them.
But in practice, the family knew, they just employed the Waiter Method where they ignored
the man creeping around their home while looking directly at him.
So the first night, Bobunaga creeps into Ninamoto’s home and they sleep together.
Oh I guess they talk too.
He leaves early the next morning, as is customary.
What happens next is critical.
Ninamoto and her family wait in anticipation.
And then let out a sigh when a messenger comes with the “next-morning letter” from Bobunaga.
The letter contains the usual lovey-dovey stuff, but the fact that it exists
means game on, last night went well.
Ninamoto’s family even rewards the messenger with gifts and drinks, and Ninamoto replies
with her own love letter.
The next night, Bobunaga visits again for a second skirmish under the sheets, and leaves,
much like the first night.
More letters.
On the third and most important night, Ninamoto’s family makes these rice cakes called miyako
mochi and puts them in her room.
People in the Heian got married without a big wedding or any legal paperwork.
A couple was married if their friends and families recognized them as married,
that's it.
The couple did go through two small rituals though.
The rice cakes were to honor the Shinto gods Izanagi and Izanami, who were husband and wife,
also brother and sister.
Eating the cakes united the couple religiously.
And the next morning, the man could stay with the lady without worry.
The second ritual was eating with the wife’s family.
Ninamoto’s family organizes a small feast and invites Bobunaga and a few of his friends
over.
They don’t invite Bobunaga’s parents.
This occasion does not involve them.
The public feast is the first time Bobunaga meets his wife’s family.
And with that, the happy couple is officially married and he can see her openly, no more
creeping about.
Now if you saw the last video about the Heian Seduction Game, you may be wondering where
that fits into this dating process.
Because that looked a lot different.
Well, it’s the difference between a one night stand and dating.
The former was for fun times, the latter was for a serious relationship that may lead to
marriage.
Of course, like today, there was overlap between the two.
What started out as fun times could lead to something more serious, and then your life
was over, nah.
Actually that was how a lot of secondary marriages happened, they grew from something less serious.
Marriages to secondary wives had a similar dating ritual, but those happened over long
periods of time instead of just three nights.
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