my daughter is in America relax okay
the manhood is gone I tried to swim in
laughs I wanted to be more like my
clones here
I wanted to blend in I stood out too
much like a sore thumb plus I wanted to
look oh so sexy for a kernel sad to hear
because we're playing I love you
Colonel Sanders a KFC dating simulator
came out the other day and I've actually
been kind of excited about it because it
looks it looks sofa we're enough to be
great
so I'm gonna try it what is my name Big
Daddy no look at that finger looking
good those are not the only fingers I'm
gonna be licking if you get my drift
gamers I'm gonna fist Colonel Sanders
you sleep softly as the Morning Sun
casts a warm glow through the window of
your modest student apartment the world
is peaceful and serene you could stay in
the moment forever the guy is yelling
bring you pick up now now your first day
Murray scores smack that clock top of
morning up and Adam lying in bed you
stare at the ceiling thinking about
everything that awaits you at the
prestigious University of cooking school
Academy of learning your mind begins to
wander who will be there what will you
cook what would you wear time begins to
fly by and you find your imagination
getting away from you you're not
yourself to daydream a bit thinking
about the future thinking about Colonel
Sanders naked and if his body is as good
as his chicken
it's here finally your first day of
culinary school so many dishes to
prepare so many students to meet so many
teachers tell Oh yours Tom mind is
swimming with possibilities when you
realize you're running late you grab a
biscuit and burst up at the door in a
hurry
no get biscuit nugget in a biscuit mmm
delicious
just what you needed to wake up those
taste buds
yikes you're in such a hurry in fact
that you forgot to put any deodorant on
you smell like a sack of pig [ __ ] you're
sweating buckets as you rush to arrive
on time uh-oh turns out you forgot pants
as well some BTS in the background let's
just straight up BTS I have got my own
boy bands all right ha ha we're not
caught BTS we call Jesse's sense for
jacksepticeye egos standing in the quad
you gaze upon the magnificent University
of cooking school academy of nerdy here
comes your lifelong best friend forever
Miriam she's the most adorably awkward
person you've ever met and you
absolutely love her fur it's so damn
relatable to gamers good morning daddy
and may have made a mistake with the
name are you excited for the first day
of the rest of our lives actually I
because I excited a little nervous I
[ __ ] my pants a little bit earlier today
but I'll never tell
cuz you smell worse than I do with no
deodorant okay a lot nervous what's that
it's just that this morning I made
breakfast for myself but when I ate it I
couldn't taste any love into food well
if I no good what if Gordon Ramsay puts
a sandwich on me it cost me a donkey
classic Miriam raised by MasterChef
parents she's older always held herself
to a very high standard she's over here
cooking Duke coffee with broccoli rabe
and I'm over here at cooking grilled
cheese I eat a biscuit for breakfast
[ __ ] you're over here tummy that oh my
foods not good enough ever since we were
little babies playing together and you
rescued rescued me from that quicksand
box it's been clear to me that you're
the most loving caring person I know
you're gonna do great Miriam Academy of
learnings famous three-day only
semesters and jacksepticeye's how to
begin your life through company world
you're being left behind and never
catching up well get faster a sweet girl
Miriam has always had a flair for the
dramatic this summer she got so nerd
this summer she got so nervous about her
first kiss there she chipped a tooth
practicing on a mannequin coming soon
pep talk your best friend changes the
subject of a pep talk I'm great at pep
talks hey stop
collaborate now listen remember last
month when we saw that fortune teller
and had our Tarot
tarot cards read the lady with the mask
who gave me nightmares we've been
trained to forget I know she looks
spooky but she was so sweet and she told
you that you were destined for great
things
remember that cared with the
fancy-looking tower it was leading
people called it Pisa and another card
featuring the handsome fellow in the red
suit Deadpool I was like Ryan Reynolds
sexiest man alive I've been waiting for
so long to meet a handsome fellow I
could call my own well see there's the
problem is that you're calling him your
own I [ __ ] up my headphones
here we go fix it and I am sure you will
soon in no time we'll be graduating and
you'll be delighting the world with your
heartfelt cooking and no time at all
musics great as you talk Miriam up you
can feel her nerves begin to ease this
pose does not say nerves eased these
killer bangs
you look like Ballmer do you believe I
could to myself yes yes I can it looks
like somebody drove over your face with
a lawn or you can definitely believe it
oh yeah I cannot believe it they look so
good Miriam you know hey shut up this
this head can only tell the truth this
head lies and this is a happy middle
okay don't listen to his name cuz it'll
hurt your feelings before you can get
another word out your rudely interrupted
when someone smacks your books and
custom engraved measuring spoons out of
your hands
and onto the ground hey it's Ashley or
Ashley your archrival
oh no she's got a sagol tooth do you
think she's able to make get a can of
something in his book and that's how she
maybe she like Pierce's the bottom of it
and shotguns it what about us but you
can't help but feel be filled with
jealousy she can get anything she wants
she knows it damn
Ashley thick though she got chicken
thighs on her thighs hello Ashley oh I
didn't see their chicken shins guys I'd
be roasted alive by being deep fried
like Colonel Sanders Kentucky Fried
flavored finger that can check it you
need Big Daddy shins Allah they are
perfectly normal shits great shins they
couldn't they could stop a train you
can't stand Ashley even her name is
annoying you know for a fact that it's
actually Ashley but she had to add extra
letters to make herself feel better than
everyone she gave me a little black
it's okay Miriam Miriam get your knives
out get your culinary equipment out it's
stab a [ __ ] if anyone here knows what
perfection looks like it's us we're not
gonna let you or your really bury
everything weird insults get to us take
you and your voluptuous chest out of
here
across the quad oh no not my quads you
see Ashley's best friend van van the man
man
verily their name Big Daddy has stopped
to look at his own reflection in the
mirror his pants are so tight you can
see him casually working out his glutes
well he Styles his hair no lie there
rockin glutes I mean if you've got it
flaunt it baby oh baby oh he looks like
a booty pooty prisoner from one punch
man you rank right
you've never been sure what their
arrangement is but as long as you've
known them Ashley in Van Van have been
just as close as you and Miriam but
substantially more devious books are not
up in this school can't believe that
University of cookie school Academy of
learning with the jacksepticeye how to
begin here life's real comedy world tour
do you have 90 minutes whatever allow
people like you to attend uh students I
know right you'd think they just had us
our diplomas now that's a good one or
maybe hire us as Pyrus honest professors
you're amateurs could learn a lot from
us with the day of school about to start
there's just no there's just not time to
properly tell these two off see resister
urge did you look like [ __ ] idiots
never mind let's go Miriam
see you later losers who's sassy lost
child is this as you approach the door
you see stop you see a goofy-looking kid
pushing Herod against the window
directly next to it I already think it's
broken
it reach forward and easily pull the
door open I that should do the trick
classic pulling honey should have pushed
it says another door you [ __ ] idiot
I love you okay I think you mean oh I
think you mean thank you my name is Bob
I was named after my pop-pop
he's old
my family's mad could someone like this
also be a student at the school he must
be one heck of a chef also his name Tech
clearly says blip blop but I guess he's
reading it upside down his name tag says
Bob but he's reading it upside down his
pop hi pop I'm Big Daddy
so you gonna make me hold this door all
day now and with that the young man
walks into the building ahead of him is
it just me or is he kind of cute just
you must be you're terribly cut bangs
actually said that do you think he's
cute
no I think he looks like you strike
through thornbush backwards dude that's
really mean stopping I told you only
tells the truth
the [ __ ] you both shrug your
shoulders before following him into the
building
you said who's this that is not the
colonel why don't we get to meet the
colonel why did I get the sex the
colonel you stand at the edge of the
room on shore to sit other students
wander in and keep themselves busy
chit-chatting
it's my teacher a dog as my teacher into
that delightful little Corgi a scruffy
looking pooch takes his place at the
podium at the front of the class
adorable now now quiet down everyone who
is this unreasonably cute pup and
raising our culinary class you must be
sprinkles head instructor CEO of us UCS
al oh please call me professor dog I may
be cute a widow of coffee but I still do
now respect woof what a cute dog is our
professor this is the best school ever
no I guess only a dog's nose is capable
of picking up all the nuances of fine
dining yeah but a sense of taste is [ __ ]
he literally eats his own [ __ ] I've seen
a corgi eat its own [ __ ] before out of
nowhere
wind begins to rush around you as a
swirl of cherry blossom petals fill the
air inside the classroom and then he
walks in flake my nips and call me
chicken I saw sexy goddamn you're
immediately swept up in the aura of this
new student and his remarkable goatee
who knew anyone could be so handsome
time stands still
Wow it's him it's if it isn't my
favorite student Harland
Harland Carl Sanders interrupts
sprinkles sorry professor dog before he
can finish his sentence please call me
Colonel Colonel Sanders now hushed
burbles through the classroom nipples
are hard
but cheeks are clapped as Colonel
Sanders walks down the aisle of desks
suddenly the room is sweltering I'm so
wet sweat begins to beat across your
brow you feel like everyone is looking
at you and you're not entirely wrong and
this over here must be sweaty sweats a
lot
ha ha up top ha maybe we should open
that window back up before Fawcett pants
melts into a puddle and evaporates
entirely oh you suck nobody tries to my
friend like that you both know my name
we were in the same kindergarten class
and what is with all your weirdly really
weird insults I keep saying it wrong I
can't speak
besides when Big Daddy sweats it's not
gross it's beautiful
look at that shiver it's going I go
pregnant lady you trying to fight
Colonel Sanders standing right in front
of you Oh God Oh God I can't take it
anymore
Colonel Sanders a beautiful angel that
he is stands before you smiling gently
his hand outstretched as I said
is this where my fairy tale begins boy
howdy this classroom gets hotter than a
Kentucky fryer please use my
handkerchief I found it when I was
rescuing puppies from a burning building
[Music]
God sorry you freeze up Colonel Sanders
is talking to you and you wait Colonel
Sanders is talking to you about how
sweaty you look no you're completely
mortified love it this can't be your
first interaction what if he never
forgets this moment take the
handkerchief I shall take the
handkerchief from the godly man himself
you're looking here standing all the way
back there I can feel your moisture from
here you stretch out your hand in
Colonel Sanders places a fine silk
handkerchief in it
it's so beautiful you hesitate to press
it to your face but when you do the
feeling is transcendent it has his
natural scent on it it smells of the
most delicious chicken you've ever
smelled
they say everything tastes like chicken
you want to put that to the test Kearney
professor Dawg steps in to sell the
class down and some ground rules
well plug the university a cooking
school academy of learning the greatest
curry academy and ruled the birthplace
of culinary religions past present
future many challenges await you there
will be tears
there will be bird that might even be
really adorable tiny food I'm a dog all
I got is little pause and when all is
said and done there will be battle you
will lift your sparks and compete in the
boom hockey arena
just in another student enters the
classroom and interrupts the professor's
rousing speech hi guys sorry I'm late I
hope everyone had a good summer
I really miss I hate late to class is
bad enough but interrupting my monologue
you're on the fast track gotta hear your
man are you sure you even in the white
place don't you recognize me this is my
third year in the school with you as my
teacher everyone stares at him blankly I
think there's no one remember me
all right you're expelled if you uh if I
finish god he's so adorable and tiny
look at his tiny little paws he's angry
but on the inside you know he's not he
just went pets pet the dog let that be a
lesson to you students and trainees is
unacceptable or him hearing crank made
it here on time rolling halfway across
town his tiny wheels you turn to see the
students sprinkles is referencing who
appears to be some sort of industrial
kitchen appliance are you a cooker the
class burst into laughter laughs damn it
God you guys are terrible hypeman oak
thank you rascal oh I wanna pet him I
want to take his tiny little paws and
make him dance
sprinkles walks at the classroom as
everyone stands and son obedience when
he gets to you the ellipses nose into
the air and takes a deep sniff you smell
like [ __ ]
your dad is lacking based on what I'm
picking up here you definitely need a
multivitamin you should be taking pow
kill yourself you've never had a talking
dog as a teacher before but the
sprinkles is reputation for being
smeared but tough is well known done
it's breathing breathing directly on my
microphone I realize how much my breath
smells you decide to try and butter them
up by giving him a treat from your
pocket
but what kind oh God beef treat rubber
ball or chicken there's a squirrel at
the window behind me I don't know if you
can see it see that moving thing right
there that's a squirrel [ __ ] I'm going
to go with chicken snack because that's
exactly what Harlan Colonel Sanders is
he's a chicken snack you reach beneath
your apron and return with a chicken
snack in your hand
sprinkles his eyes go wide as he locks
onto it
his favorite well well I think there
might be some competition for a student
and the furry professor yeah don't say
that it's gonna make me if immediately
devours the snack I won't have devoured
a snack if you know what I'm saying
leaving your hands slick with a coating
of warm doggy ectoplasm you see the
other students I knew jealously
but you pay no mind to them I don't even
give a care I'm not even gonna pay you
any mind if they wanted to succeed in
life they should have learned the
importance of bribery sat down young
chefs take your seats and prepare to
have your minds open to the amazing
possibilities of culinary clinical as
everyone rushes to claim their favorite
seats you're not standing at the front
of the room only two options remain hey
Big Daddy
there's still a seat here are you saying
that I'm gonna go have to go at either
DIY bangs or Karl's snack over here I
think I know which one I'm picking it
seems that no one has claimed to seat
next to me if you're interested Oh
Miriam I'm not even sorry I'm not even
gonna apologize for this everyone knows
that this is the correct choice hands in
the air who picks married now class look
around those are the amount of people
who are wrong you move to take your seat
like Colonel Sanders you slip into the
seat easily because you're wet already
it appears he brought notebooks pens or
pencils but it's okay because he can get
by in life at his devilishly good looks
however his perfect upright posture
shows off a seriousness that makes you
confident in his desire to learn thanks
for offering me this seat oh that's me
sorry I was impersonating him because I
want to be like him I've only had two
rules do all you can and do it the best
you can it's the only way you ever get
that feeling of accomplish something
Colonel Sanders is a snake for me
because he's the one who says Colonel
can you hear me wow it's so inspiring
you're so dreamy and inspiring and sexy
a little off topic if you ask me but
okay as soon as you settle into your
seat the professor makes an announcement
think fast is time for pop quiz
yay acquits about me your name's Bob you
[ __ ] [ __ ] it's incredibly important
a surprisingly short quiz will tell me
if you're ready for like a culinary
school give you a nice job on your
focused shopper here comes question
number one if train a is traveling to
point B 20 B is traveling to point a how
important is it to wash your hands
before cookie please sir I need never
joke like this I used to say if train a
leaves at 3:45 and arrives at station at
4:15 how much does an elephant way I
love that joke extremely looking at you
pop that's right
five sister tree yes chicken is to snack
stairs over at Colonel Sanders willingly
Colonel Sanders stairs back but you're
to blushful to you've made up a new word
that's how much full you are chicken is
to forest is the tree is chicken is to
feather I wanted to say a slam dunk
that's right
I totally get this I went to I went to a
hotel leisure hotel management and
leisure hotel and Leisure Management the
[ __ ] that I study in school hotel and
Leisure Management I know this I've been
through this I've been through the
wringer I had my own Colonel Sanders /
having your own Colonel Sanders it's
like having your own white whale what is
the most efficient eating utensil ever
created a spork because you said it
already
that's right my food is best for a
broken heart all the food a pancake that
looks like a silly face camel meat
anything as long as it's prepared with
love I'm not too much salt that's right
wait I'm moving my microwave what do you
have to say for yourself and you'll
bleed for three to five days from your
vagina you can't say that Jesus is
sprinkles a good boy yes he's the best
boy he's a talking dog that teaches the
culinary school
he is the best boy of course there's no
bad boys they're all good boys that's
right perfect score five out of five
give me a high five Jack Wow be honest
did you cheat I don't need to cheat I've
got big brain see you looked up to see
that Colonel Sanders has been watching
you tell your score he's impressed I
know we just met but I have to confess I
think you have a beautiful brain wow you
think about small brain big brain
stinky brain but no one talks about
beautiful brain thank you is a beautiful
shade of pink the hot diggity Big Daddy
is the best sentence you just scored
some major Kearney sandy points what
with that performance may I have your
attention students I have an important
announcement to make
pay for lights Wow
the cafeteria is as nice as any
restaurant you've ever eaten it it makes
sense that a school dedicated to cooking
would also be serious
about England this is where your journey
begins this is where life starts and
this is for your fairy tale that must be
our lunch
it smells crazy good everyone can I have
your attention
[Music]
no I just wanted to apologize for my
tardiness you see I was howdy folks I'd
like to make an announcement hey I was
it's about lunch everyone Cheers
lights lights lights
she said shush you stained weirdo you
tiny little garbage person in honor of
the new semester I've prepared something
special to share with everyone at eat
for lunch Jesus Maria calm down
indeed that smell you hold your breath
waiting to see what food this mysterious
student has created you've heard that
he's very talented but worth the rumors
true is this
Colonel Sanders missed a large bucket
above his head its contents glimmer and
delight piled higher huge pieces of
chicken breaded and fried to a crisp
eCollege Vantage they didn't know that a
village and even got a feel my save
Colonel Sanders has filled up bucket
with chicken Sugoi want a novel concept
your stomach begins to crumble earlier
as if to say stop thinking and start
eating for years I have been developing
a secret recipe for the perfect fried
chicken but by my calculation nothing
less than 11 herbs and spices are
required to achieve the perfect balance
of flavors you look around and notice
that every other student as a pen and
paper and is scribbling notes as fast as
they can while all you do is draw a
picture of him in the NIP but that's all
I'll say about that what you think that
we want your stupid secret recipe dude
I'm just drafting a last will and
testament in case' one of those
ingredients is a poison get him he looks
around nervously to see if anyone is
laughing at his sick bird you wait to
see what zinger Ashley has prepared to
follow up but she suddenly takes a
different approach yeah and I was just
like writing in my diary dear diary
today I smell something beautiful I knew
at that moment they don't need the hands
of a true gentleman could fry a chicken
so tender also between my legs I feel
something that I've never felt before
dear diary jackpot
Oh God you see her body language changed
from bitter and evil to sweet and
innocent as she slides closer to Colonel
Sanders she realizes that he is destined
for greatness and fame with cooking
skills like this she wants him all to
herself she knows finger-lickin chicken
fingers please well van van the man man
if you don't want any I'll take his hold
on I mean I guess I'll try it he takes
one bite and his eyes grew wide he
starts come tour ting his face as he
tries to hold in his pure acceleration
and act unimpressed easy now there's
enough for everyone pull it please my
fellow classmates dig in you take one of
the pieces of fried chicken out of his
bucket and sink your teeth into it you
imagine you're sinking your teeth into
the kernel himself for he is the
greatest chicken snack of all it's
tasting Colonel Sanders food transports
you to another dimension along with your
taste buds gripping a drumstick in your
hand you float weightlessly focused in
your mind and meditated in this moment
try and identify every flavor savor the
moment and everything that it tells you
about Colonel Sanders is culinary her I
wanted to think about the colonel I want
to think about it so bad the flavors in
your mouth are beautiful pure and
heavenly what a guy he saw many things I
wish I was here I either want to be him
or want to be alone with the flavors you
feel something that can only be
described as love love feels a lot like
your tents your pants tightening not
your tan spite me for a man for a flavor
I think
same is this what they're talking about
when they say someone is a snack after
tasting his food you tried to get some
one-on-one time with Colonel Sanders you
approached him Colonel Sanders smiles
ever so softly as you approach he stops
what he is doing and allows you to break
the silence
if you want to talk for a second
anything for a fellow chef how bold to
come out and ask it's an idea
I've had for a new combination of
flavors that will make me my fortune and
establish my legacy for all time as I
open a chain of Highly successful fried
chicken restaurants no big deal
it's just you and me you're talking I
can keep a secret
in fact I've got some of my own that I'd
be willing to a trade what's the rush
the semester is only getting started
we've got two more whole days to get to
know each other he's clearly not going
to give up easily
but it doesn't hurt to be resistant you
know what they say about secrets colonel
we have them shouldn't learning be fun
you've got moxie I'll give you that
Colonel Sanders looks both ways to cross
the street to make sure you're truly
alone then he leans in
you can feel his more breath as he
whispers just one ingredient but you
can't tell I use really Wow you'd never
have guessed that in fact you're not
even sure where you'd get some if you
searched where would I get baby seals
tears and not just baby sea lions the
kiss from Moreau seal how will I get his
tears that's just one part well your
wrapped up in that huge revelation you
notice that Colonel Sanders has
disappeared like poof he went up in a
cloud of chicken crumbs while everyone
else is still in the cafeteria you
decide to look for him I'm gonna I need
a shower after playing this game man
it's way too hot girls that are so sexy
oh my god you better hit that like
button if you were into Colonel Sanders
as much as I am and don't tell anyone
but the secret ingredient was
[Music]