-Returning to the stage.
-Yes. "Comedian and writer." I like that.
-Yeah, me too.
-I guess my people said, "Throw in writer,
so people will think he's like, oh, you know?"
-Oh, my God. This is exciting. You on the stage.
You're the new "Funny Girl."
You're replacing Lea Michele in "Funny Girl."
Is that what we're talking about?
This is "Small Talk." -Yeah.
-Are you -- I'm trying to think.
Do you like small talk? -I love small talk.
I'm great at -- My whole life, I talk to everybody.
You -- I mean, I feel like you're kind of like that, too,
like a friendly type person. -Yeah.
-I go in the store, you know, you have a little conversation.
Little -- "Eh, you know what I mean?
I shouldn't...
Little much on the holidays. I ate too much."
And they're like, "Ah, ha ha."
You have a little, you know, bonding moment.
-You do those things. You throw little bonding moments.
-I feel like you do that, too, with people.
-I do a little bit. -Yeah.
You almost sound defensive. It's a positive quality.
-Defensive? -You did.
His voice when he -- He goes, "I do!"
Your voice went up like, "Hey!"
-You know what I keep thinking of?
Do you remember back when we were on "Saturday Night Live" --
You were always very nice to me, by the way.
I consider you -- The whole reason I have this show is you.
-What? [ Laughs ] -But, anyways, uh...
No. You know what I was thinking of?
Do you remember when -- -I almost believed it.
-But when we would go get tea at, like, 2:00 in the morning?
-Yes, exactly.
-We'd go to this deli, this bodega.
-Yeah, the bodega, and that guy was a ju--
That guy was an Olympic judo champion, according to him.
I'm sure he could just say it.
-How do you know all this about this guy?
-From small talk. -Small talk.
But I remember we were going, and somebody yells --
Because walking with Colin Quinn
in New York City is like the mayor.
He was like, "Colin! Yo, Colin Quinn!
Come on back to Brooklyn, man!"
-It's like a bad commercial. Like, "Hey, pal."
-No. I remember the guy goes, "Yo, Colin, come here!"
And you go, "You come here."
-Yeah, because that was, like, a power move.
The guy's like, "Hey, Colin." -Yeah.
-He wasn't do anything that couldn't be --
He's, like, calling me over. Why are you taking his side?
You don't even know the guy.
[ Laughter ]
Crowd's like, "You sound like a real ehh."
They called me over. You don't call me over here.
-"No, you come over here. Yeah, what are you doing?"
-But here's the thing about "Small Talk."
It's, um...
[ Laughter ]
Is that -- It is. It's about being friendly.
And it's so funny to me because one of the criticisms
you always hear is, "Oh, Jimmy's so enthusiastic,
so friendly with his guests."
It's like, "Yeah, what is he supposed to...?"
You're supposed to bring 'em out.
"Hey, I heard your new movie. Yeah. Sounds like it sucks."
You know what I mean?
-I can't do that. -No, you can't.
Gotta be nice. -No, exactly, yeah.
Without movies and TV, I wouldn't have a show.
-Exactly. -I want them all to work.
-People think sullen is so hip.
Well, guess what. I don't buy it.
Musicians are different. You're allowed to be sullen.
Different vibe. But I'm talking about in comedy.
-I'm talking about this guy. I'm talking about "Small Talk."
But I'm also talking about this guy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Dude, what?! What in the world? Who is this?
Who is this? -Give me a break.
-Who is this?!
What porno is this from?
[ Laughter ]
-I was hung over. -A calendar or something?
You're very good-looking.
-Did you see the new Chippendales show?
-You're a very good-looking guy.
-I really was. That was a great picture.
The guy was just a hungover friend of mine.
He had a camera and he took a picture.
They needed pictures in those days.
You go out, and you hand around your pictures.
-Of course. -You know what I mean?
-Yeah, to get auditions and stuff like that.
-Yeah, stuff like that. -Any big movies
that you ever auditioned for you didn't get?
-Well, Tom Cruise, "Cocktail." Which, you see that picture --
I don't know how I couldn't get it.
I auditioned for "Cocktail," but I did --
I was a bartender, so I was like,
"I'm gonna do a little stage business."
You know what I mean?
So, I show up at the audition. I met Tom Cruise.
I was kind of -- I was still starstruck a little bit.
You know, Tom Cruise. I didn't know he was going to be there.
-Yeah. -So I start doing the thing
where I'm the other bartender, if you saw the movie.
Nobody did. It was a horrible movie.
[ Laughter ] -It was a good movie.
-What do you mean, a good movie?
It's one of the worst movies of all time.
People write about you -- you're too enthusiastic.
-You can't say that to me. I like that.
Hippy hippy shake. -Oh, the worst.
[ Laughter ]
I auditioned for the bartender. I didn't know.
The fix is in in all these things.
Like idiots, you show up at the audition. But I show up --
-Fix is in. -Fix is in.
And I start doing, like, pantomime bartending.
I used to be a bartender, so it wasn't that --
I'm like this -- -Is Tom Cruise there?
-Yeah. I sucked the energy out of the room so bad.
Because I was always --
I was a terrible actor, and I was also doing,
like, mime -- pretending to bartend.
And I was making drinks. Like, just straining them.
-"Get out of here, dude." You were straining the drinks?
-They were like -- They couldn't wait for it to end.
It was just so horrible.
-That's so funny. -I did what nobody could do.
I wiped the smile off Tom Cruise's face.
I swear to God.
Because he came in -- -Like, "This is not funny.
This is a waste of my time." -He's all smiling.
Charming guy, you know?
By the time -- He's like, "Okay, thanks, man."
Somebody calls you "man" at an audition,
It's usually they don't like you.
-You were almost in a movie with Mike Myers.
Offered you a role. -That was the famous one, yeah.
I was supposed to be in "Austin Powers."
But he called me up and literally said,
"You got the part."
And I go, "No, Mike, I don't want the part."
For no reason.
-I was gonna be Scott Evil, the son.
'Cause he saw me on -- he saw me on "Larry Sanders,"
and he was like, "Do what you did with Rip Torn.
Be the son."
All three of them. -You don't want to be in that.
You wouldn't have wanted to do that.
-Exactly. -Look at what you're doing now.
-Why be in a franchise of movies?
-Then everyone's yelling, "Scott Evil,"
when you're crossing the street. -Yeah.
-Now they're like, "Colin Quinn. What's up? 'Small Talk.'"
-"Scott Evil. Scott Evil, come over here."
"You come here." -"No, you come here, buddy."
Yeah, exactly. I think you made the right move.
-Oh, thanks.
-'Cause I think this man would be proud of what you're doing.
Colin Quinn. "Small Talk" premieres --
The previews start tomorrow at the Lucille Lortel Theatre
here in New York City. The one and only.
We'll be right back with a performance
from Madison Cunningham. Stick around, everybody.