Okay, so my meal was $14
20% of 14 is
Okay wait 20% of a dollar is
is 2 cents
so 2 times 14 is
28 cents
ok 2- no, NO
20 DOLLARS is
is 20% of 14
no t-
twoHUNDRED and eight dollars
This is painful
Really happy you guys stuck around to see this
Can't believe I've never seen it before!
How long does he go on?
Uh, in about fifteen minutes he'll get frustrated
and just... leave some jewels
He leaves the waitress jewelry?!
For my birthday, he gave me some cheap-ass frame with his picture glued on the glass
Ahh, not jewelry-- Jewels
Just.. loose jewels
Haven't you guys ever wondered why we're allowed to stay here so late after they close?
Aaah, yeah!
Makes sense
Hey! Beautiful Mind?
They're going to need to open soon for breakfast
would you like some help?
No!
Yeah, who taught you basic math?
S- Sev- Servers
S--Severes -Snape--
Hogwarts?
I got there
This is stupid. This is such a pointless skill!
Name one time in your life that math has actually made your life better
Other than this exact moment for which I have found a suitable work-around
Buddy, buddy!
Math does not exist to make things better!
It exists to empower you to tear things apart!
Michael, no! That's not the p--
Actually, let's see where this goes. I've got nowhere to be
I do like power...
I'll show you
Think of the most comforting thing you can
something beyond reproach
and then the THREE of us will ruin it
with math!
"So the average human being
only uses 17% of his brain
Boy, you realize what this means? You don't use a full uh
64%!"
The Cosby Show!
Oh, my! How could anyone besmirch the hallowed name?
It holds up!
The show's universe holds up
Does it?
Let's see, Dan, I'm gonna need you for footnotes
Got it!
Cliff Huxtable celebrates his fiftieth birthday in season 3
"Turning 50 is a monumental event in a man's life"
"Oh, lord, who let this child in the house?"
Two years later his wife, Claire, celebrates her 46th birthday
in season 5
"Why is there only one candle? Mom's 46"
Episode 20 entitled "Cliff's 50th Birthday"
And episode 22, entitled "Birthday Blues", respectively
You read very fast
So, simple math tells us that Cliff Huxtable was 52
at the time of his wife's 46th birthday
because each season the kids progress one grade in school
Which makes him 6, maybe 7 years older than Claire, right?
Yes
Maybe, I don't know...
Do you like rubies?
Then, in Season 7
They celebrate their 27th anniversary together
"Have you and mom figured out what you're going to do for your anniversary yet?"
"We certainly have"
"Good to see you after 27 years!"
"Yes"
Which means!
that when they got married, Claire was only 21
awfully young
So? That's her perogative! I mean, she can get married whene-
OH, NO, I am defending the Cosby Show
But here's the real dagger
In Season 1
we find out that Cliff went to Hillman College for one very specific reason
He knew that's where Claire wanted to go
"Which one would you have chosen?"
"Hillman" "Really?" "Sure" "Why?" "Because that's where your mother was going"
So, in the very first year of his adulthood
Cliff Huxtable made a decision about where he wanted to go to college
based on the ambitions of a 12-year-old girl that he was interested in
OH, gross!
Michael's right. They even dated while he was at Hillman
She couldn't go to her high school dance because he had junior finals that week
"No, I didn't go to my prom"
"Why not?"
"Well, your father was away at school, he had to take final exams so he couldn't come"
So that puts him at 21 and her at 15
Ohh... noooo
The fact is Heathcliff Huxtable
used years of his adult life to tinker with the mind of an impressionable young girl
just to make sure she would love jazz
and stupid sweaters enough
that she'd have no choice but to fall in love with him
and HE'S the protagonist!
Math!
Wow
Gosh, Michael, that was really well done
I don't think in a million years I could ever- Sh-*Bleep* I just got one!
You did? Oh *bleep**bleep**bleep*
Cheers!
Yes! Great show!
Hey, cheers to Cheers
Hey, is it a great show though?
oh no don't! No, don't hurt it! Don't hurt it with math!
Sorry!
Norm Peterson's bar tab
It's a running gag in the show that he's got this massive bar tab that he's racked up.
Sam, at one point, takes out these giant binders that are supposed to represent his tab
"Oh, Sammy, my tab!"
Yeah, but that's just a goof. Norm likes to have a few
Every single day in every single episode
Across the whole run of the show, three people show up in one hundred percent of the episodes
Sam, Carla, and NORM
Two of them, who have to be there for work
AND NORM!
who has to be there cause he's Norm
And we know that this isn't the only bar in town that he goes to with this frequency
Because when he walks into Gary's Olde Towne Tavern
The whole bar crew there says
"NORM!"
Yes, but he never actually settles his tab
which means we can't calculate what it would be
Not a math crime!
He settles his tab once and we can use that as a sample size
When Rebecca takes over the bar, she cuts him off when she realizes his tab is over $850
""What's the big deal? What's he over? 10, 20 bucks?"
"837"
Now, we know his entire account was wiped clean two seasons earlier
and according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics
The average cost of a beer in 1985 was $1.75
So, we know he had at least 486 beers over the course of 2 seasons
That is... that is several
Now, imagine someone you know, in your real world
was going to to the same bar every single night
He loses his job,
"They fired me, coach"
Struggles to find steady work for six years,
"A real good friend, who hasn't worked in years"
Separates from his wife,
"it's just not the same since Vera's been out of town"
Gains weight,
"Look at that, we go all the way back to when we didn't even know your name. Skinny guy at the end of the bar"
Tells everyone he's moving to Bora Bora,
"I'm sailing to Bora Bora, gonna live in a hut"
And then instead secretly moves into a closet
in a bar.
Okay
Why isn't anyone helping Norm?!
He's clearly spiraling
And no one, not one person on that show
reaches out to him, like, 'Having a tough time buddy?'
or, 'Maybe you should seek out some counseling'
or, you know, even give a shit that he's driving himself home every night
"Norm!"
Instead, they keep plying him with free drinks
keep letting him run up that tab
and laugh at his stupid jokes about his sad wife
"What's new, Norm?" "Most of my wife"
Wow! That...
is...
Nothing!
I got it! Frasier!
Katie, we just did Cheers
No, no, Frasier, from Frasier
Guys, Frasier is a terrible father
and math proves it!
Uh, this was such a bad idea!
What, you like Frasier?
You know I do
Frasier's son Frederick was born in 1989
in the Cheers episode the Stork Brings a Crane
"I'm a father!"
and Frederick is 15 in the last episode of Frasier that aired in 2004
which means the seasons chronologically line up with the actual years
That means that when Frederick was 4 years old
Frasier not only got a divorce, but moved across the country from Boston to Seattle
And what did he do every episode?
Fight Lilith for custody of his son?
uh, try to spend as much time with him as possible?
No!
He tried scheming to get tickets to the symphony
"Wednesday it was the symphony!"
Or trying to lure some new woman to his family's f*ck cabin
"I think of them as Laura and Beth
but tonight
they are just two live, breathing, available female bodies who want us!"
Okay, well, maybe he
needed some time to find himself again
you know, they say its important for parents not to be defined by the role of parent
Frasier ran for 11 years, right?
264 episodes
Do you want to know how many times Frederick makes an appearance, huh?
Nine!
From the ages of four to fifteen
Frederick saw his father nine times
and everybody who watched the show is like,
'Eh, you know what, that seems normal!
Anyways, I really hope that Niles builds up the courage to cheat on his wife
with this clairvoyant illegal alien'
F-*bleep* I hate this show
You F*ing hate th-- mm!
Frasier is a joy!
Finally the upper crust get a fair shake, and you want to tear it down!
Also Eddie was two different dogs
and they both died
I know that's not technically math related
but if we're throwing logs on the fire...
You know what?
Friends
You like Friends! Do you like Friends?
Of course!
Good
Okay, you know how Phoebe does that altruistic thing
where she has, uh, 3 kids for her brother?
Yeah
Okay w-w-what if it doesn't add up?
The number of babies?
Why are you shaking?
I-i'm saying what if they're not her brother's kids!
because the-the-the pregnancy is weird-- the-
It's the wrong time
I'M VERY ANGRY!
Wait... I think you might be right
So
Phoebe's brother asked her to help out with the pregnancy in season 4
"And they want me to grow it for them in my uterus!"
Maybe late January, early February
we don't know
but we know in the episode right before it
Monica still had a christmas tree up in her apartment
and when we get to "The One about Phoebe's Uterus"
it's gone
YEAH-HA-HAA!
...we're not there yet...
ah.
So Phoebe gets the procedure done
the VERY next episode
but, even if we don't take into account the hormones that she'd have to take
we know that we have to wait to a certain point in her cycle
before she can get the egg injection
So, almost definitely late January, early February
That's when she gets pregnant
And doesn't she take a pregnancy test the same day she gets her in vitro and it says that she's already pregnant?
"You're going to have a baby. They're going to have a baby!"
That's-that's weird, right?
You're not supposed to be able to even tell from those tests until two weeks after the end of your cycle
trust me
I don't know what month she gives birth though
Okay, we know she gives birth two weeks after Ross and Emily's wedding
because Rachel just gets back from Ross's honeymoon
in Greece for two weeks alone
and that's right when Phoebe's water breaks
as she's on the way to Atlantic City
Ha!
how could anyone hate this show?!
You know Ross pushed the wedding up to just a month away
a week after proposing to Emily
"get married"
And he proposes to Emily in the same episode
where Monica gives season Knicks tickets to Joey and Chandler
in exchange for the apartment!
Season 4, episode 19
"The One with All the Haste"
So?
So, Katie, if you knew a single sh*t about basketball
You'd know that the regular season ends beginning of April
and that Knicks season tickets don't account for the playoffs
So in order for those tickets to be valuable to the guys
It has to be March at the latest
maybe the beginning of April if they're idiots
They are!
So, one month and two weeks after the beginning of April is
May!
and Phoebe was pregnant in February
Oh my god
Oh my god!
Seven month pregnancy!
...four...
Four month pregnancy!
I did it!
Those babies would not be viable
Those cannot be her brother's kids
That test said she was already pregnant because she'd already been pregnant
for MONTHS!
Those are Phoebe's babies
and it killed her to give them up
and she still did it
and I solved it with math!
Aww
That's like
really sad...
Oh, well!
Rachel was pregnant for over a year
That show is notoriously bad for knowing how long babies cook
So what are the implications of that?
Rachel...
pretends to be pregnant until...?
Or maybe she was just hiding it
until she could make sure it matched up with Ross's timeline?
What?
That's not how it works!
Everybody knows if a woman
keeps the baby inside for too long
her body reabsorbs it
It's like when you wait too long to poop
I'm really happy you guys were here to see this
Michael, where do you think your poop goes
when you don't poop?
Mine? Mine just goes in an alley next to my house
what do you mean?
When you DON'T poop
when you absorb it into your body
Where does my poop go when I don't poop?
Yeah
You're not even making sense
Listen to yourself
What's the longest amount of time you've gone without pooping?
Let's solve something else with math, right here
Hey, you like stand-up! Come see the Cracked stand-up show
that's happening March 23rd at Meltdown Comics
in Los Angeles!
If you want to see amazing stand-up comedians
including our own Tom Reimann
go to nerdmeltla.com/tickets
and if you want to see me without a shirt on
you're rude!