Let's talk about something that has
nothing to do with quarantine.
Since most of the news on TV right
now has something to do with that,
I asked the news team and our affiliates
in Detroit to share some different news.
It's something we're calling Anything Better Than the Real
News News.
This just in.
There are reports this afternoon of a man
stealing wheels off of police cars.
There are no descriptions of the suspect as of this time.
No motive to speak of as to why he is only stealing the wheels.
Once again, a man is stealing wheels off of police cars.
I'm told police are working tirelessly to catch him.
We now return you to your regular programming.
I like it.
It's a thinker.
Yep.
It's a thinker.
See?
They don't have tires.
So they're working tirelessly.
That was good.
Strong explanation there.
That was really good.
Yep.
OK, now back to the quarantine stuff.
Last week I asked my viewers to share
some of their little fights that they've
been having during their quarantine
with their significant other.
And it turns out there were so many that I couldn't read them
all, but it's--
I'm going to read some.
It's time for another installment of quarantiffs.
This is from Jason.
I might have told my girlfriend she talks
too loud on her zoom meetings.
Now she's not talking at all.
[LAUGHTER]
So now you're saying it's too quiet.
It seems like you're very hard to please, Jason.
This is from Burt.
I have been notified by my partner
that I have been loading the dishwasher wrong.
Plates in the wrong places.
So now he does it.
All right.
That's not a quarantiff.
That's a quarantine miracle.
Good for you.
That's the way you do it.
I'm sorry.
I have to interrupt this segment.
We have some more news from our station in Detroit.
This just in.
A baguette has been located at the zoo.
Early reports were that it was a rye or sourdough,
but we can now confirm that it is in fact a baguette.
Once again, there is a baguette at the zoo.
Zookeepers said it was bred in captivity.
We now return you to your regular programming.
You have to wait right til the end to get the zinger.
Bread in captivity.
Yep.
I knew you'd like that one, tWitch.
Yep.
Here's another.
Andy, is it hard-- it's hard to go back and forth.
I think-- isn't it hard to go back and forth from the news
to the quarantiff?
Yeah, it might be a little confusing.
So--
I think it's become--
I think, right?
Yeah, it's a little confusing.
I say let's do another quarantiff.
OK.
It's my show, and I'll say it.
Let's do some more--
no.
I'm not doing quarantiff.
I'm doing more of the news.
Yeah.
Is that what you wanted?
I want to do what you want to do, Ellen.
This just in.
Late last night a man was attacked by a gang of mimes.
The man was treated and released at the scene.
Police say there were between four and six mimes.
Once again, a man was attacked by a group of mimes.
We're told what they did to the man was unspeakable.
We now return you to your regular programming.
[LAUGHTER]
How many viewers do you think there are right at this moment?
That guy-- I don't.
I hope the people that appreciate that.
And that man makes me so happy that he does that.
Yeah, he's funny.
All right.
We have one more quarantiff.
This is from Lisa.
Grocery shopping with my husband,
I was tired of the same kind of bread he'd been buying.
So I grabbed a different type.
He sighed loudly and said, that one's not always soft.
I yelled, it's never been hard.
Got some strange looks.
[LAUGHTER]
Andy, it's like they're writing them just for you.
I mean, honestly.
Yeah.
That one's never hard.
Thanks for posting those.
If you have a quarantine argument
that you want to share, tweet it with the hashtag quarantiff.
Take a break.
We'll be right back.