[ Upbeat music playing ]
Did you know that your choices are not just preventable,
but are reversible?
How is the Giles Vanderhoot Method
of Personal Counseling, Rehabilitation, and Treatment
different from other programs?
We address your unique personal...
God damn it!
[ Speaking gibberish ]
All right, go back.
Just go back a few lines.
Okay, hey -- ay, ay! Right there.
[ Fly buzzing ]
First, during the intake computer reviews,
your urine, blood, saliva, and semen speaks to...
[ Hammering ]
Didn't he say hold the work?
We gonna hold the work?
I'm hearing hammering, I'm hearing coughing,
I'm hearing giggling, laughing!
What the hell kind of B.S. operation is this?
Now, come on! Let's lock it up for real this time.
Let's lock it up for real this time!
We know what's right for you, because we've been there.
How does it work --
[ Fly buzzing ]
[Bleep] Stupid flies!
Following me around.
You're moving -- you're moving the -- the thing too fast.
You think I have a computer in my eyeballs
that can read a thousand million words a minute?!
During the incarceration phase,
we clear your bobby of -- "bobby."
[ Chuckles ] Clear your bobby.
I said, "Clear your bobby."
It says, "Clear your
Body.
All right, let me try that again.
During the incarceration phase, we clear your bobby of --
[ Laughs ]
God damn it!
[ Speaking gibberish ]
Okay. One more time. One more time.
During the incarceration phase, we clear your boggy of heavy --
Geez! God [bleep] it!
I'm laughing, but I'm pissed off!
You give me these words, they make no sense to me.
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Thump ]
You [bleep] with me, kid?
Are you [bleep] with me?
He thinks I won't kick your butt.
I'll kick your butt...kid!
[ Thump ]
You don't think I got a black belt in karate, huh?
[ Upbeat music playing ]
This is the beginning of a life-long new you.
God!
Who the [bleep] can say this [bleep]
Certainly not me!
I'm a [bleep] moron!
Who the [bleep] even hired me?!
Me, that's who!
I'm an even bigger idiot than I thought!
I'm gonna get a real actor to read this garbage!
What a bunch of horse [bleep]
It's like we got a [bleep] Clydesdale horse in here
that took a big old doo-doo right on the stage!
[Bleep]
Just cut -- cut!
Man: Cut.
[ Birds chirping ]
Vanderhoot: Let's get, um -- let's get this thing started.
How are you?
Well. Thanks.
So, if you just slate -- slate your name here.
Oh. Bill Snoogus.
Mm-hmm.
And who are you reading for?
Okay, thank you.
Gile.
Giles.
With the "S"?
Okay.
Whenever you're ready.
How is the Jiles Vanderhood Method
of Personal Counseling, Rehabilitation, and Treatment
different from other programs?
Our program is designed to bring vibrancy and proper balance
to one's life and energies.
We give you the motivation and support needed.
Almost like you're squeezing something.
To stop making wrong choices.
Almost like you're squeezing breasts or something.
A-And start making the right ones.
Other programs are not part of the solution...
[ Thud ]
...they're part of the problem.
We do not rely on prescription drugs
or mind-control techniques.
No!
Old Man: Our program is scientifically designed
by a cross-disciplinary... clinic-tition
to bring vibrancy and...
Producer: No. No, no, keep going.
Keep going. Keep going.
It sounds too good to be true,
but thanks to breakthrough technology,
there can be a complete transformation
of your body and brain in 30 days.
Plus, no pre-packaged meals or hormones.
Our programs aren't part of the solution.
And scene!
That was amazing.
That was amazing, right?
[ Chuckles ] I got to tell you, you got the job, man.
He's the guy.
You just got cast.
You got the part, man.
All right. Listen, this is a wrap!
You got any questions? You feeling good?
No, I feel good.
I just want to thank you for this opportunity.
Oh, man. No, thank you, thank you.
All right, everybody, we ready?
Charlie? Charlie, we good?
All right. And action!
Did you know that your choices are not just preventable,
but are reversible?
Um, what I'm seeing from you is, like,
Right.
But I kind of need, like, a bounce.
I have a little bit of a --
I do a little bit of a kind of a bounce.
Okay.
[ Upbeat music playing ]
We all know the solution,
but we also know the power of bad habits.
Hey, hold. Are you [bleep] with me, man?
That's what you told me to do.
You're [bleep] with me, right? This is a joke, Charles?
Was it too big?
No, it wasn't too big.
Did you know that your choices are not just preventible,
but are reversible?
You piece of [bleep]
What are you doing, man?
Delivered only by board-certified, trained counselors,
we address your unique profile,
personalized for you, and tailored to your--
Clap, clap.
You want me clapping right after that?
Delivered only by board-certified, trained counselors,
we address your unique profile,
You.
What?
You do?
Yeah.
We address your unique profile,
personalized for you...
and tailored to your own needs.
We no longer need--
Wait, don't -- don't.
You don't need to bend that much.
You don't need to make a joke out of it,
it's more just a --
what I want it to be is personalized for you.
Okay, 'cause you're going like this.
Uh, "Personalized for
Kind of like a -- you know, like a buffoon.
You just sit and [bleep] hammer on me,
and you hammer on me.
I don't need this, and I quit.
You're fired.
How about that?
Yeah, you're still paying me.
Yeah? Well [bleep] you!
I'm gonna cast myself again...
to play me.
And if any one of you has a problem with it,
you can take it up with Charlie.
Okay, I'm thirsty. Can I just get [Claps] a little water
before we start shooting?
No? Okay.
How is the Giles -- what are you doing?
I just got your water.
We're shooting a Goddamn take of the commercial!
These aren't professionals. Look at this piece of [bleep]
And I'm the CFO, CEO, and F-[bleep]-K!
Get me water from a bigger [bleep] bottle!
Give it to me! Give it to me!
You want someone who's a real actor to come do this --
to do this, then that's what we'll do.
We'll go get you a real actor. You happy now, Steve?
We're done. Everybody, we're done.
We're done. Turn everything off.
[ Without microphone ] Turn it off.
[ Thump ]
Ow! God!
Ow!
Get the first-aid kit, Charles, seriously.
Want somebody to blow me away.
Your choices are not just preventable, you know...
[ Laughs ]
...but they're reversible.
We know what's right for you.
Whoo-hoo!
We know what's right for you -- whoo-hoo! --
because we've been there.
Okay, but I actually want to do
point, clap, "whoo-hoo!"
Other programs aren't part of the solution...
They're part of the problem.
[ Whispering ] Never seen anyone do work with a banana before.
Before you know it, you'll be making smart choices
and living a happier, more-active life.
This is the beginning of a life-long new you.
That was great.
[ Chuckles ] That was just great.
Thank you.
She's the one.
All you need to do is make a commitment and stick to it.
We give you the education, motivation,
and support structure needed
to stop making the wrong choices
and start making the right ones.
[Bleep] Maegan!
It's support structure.
Not support-strusure.
Give me the mustache.
[ Sighs ]
Just give me the mustache, Maegan.
[ Sighs ]
[ Mustache rips ]
Thank you, but it's not gonna work out.
Sorry.
I want you all to hear something.
There's only one actor...
who can truly wear this mustache.
And you're looking at him.
Hey, old friend. You ready to work?
I'm back.
Our program is designed
to bring vibrancy and proper balance to one's life...
Uh, we address your unique profile, personalized for you.
Blah, blah, blah!
[Bleep]
You suck.
Yeah, I suck? No, you suck.
Yeah? Well, you're fired!
You can't fire me.
You're
Oh, really?
You think you're gonna fire me?
[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming stops ]
♪♪