- So you clicked onto this video for a reason,
and I'm just gonna come out here and say it,
this isn't the easiest thing to share with you.
And there's a lot of transformation that can come from
realizing this though.
If you are attract emotionally unavailable people
into your life, it's because at a certain level
you are emotionally unavailable.
Now, I know this is hard to hear,
and I had to swallow this pill,
and it was not easy pill to swallow, okay?
Here I was experiencing relationships
where the people I would attract
would be emotionally unavailable,
and then I had this story,
oh, they're just not emotionally present,
they're avoiding doing the work,
they're not choosing me.
And deep down what I eventually realized
is that I would only attract that
because it's a mirror of my own energy.
I was also emotionally unavailable
and that's why I was attracting someone
that was emotionally unavailable,
because it was a mirrored direct reflection.
So you might ask yourself now,
okay Aaron, well, you're saying I have this thing
where I'm actually emotionally unavailable,
I thought it was them,
but how do I actually become more emotionally available
so that I attract emotionally available love,
or I go deeper in my relationship or whatever it is?
How do I actually do that?
Now, for me, what I had to learn to do
is this one phrase changed everything.
And I posted this on Instagram recently
and I had so many people ask me about this
and this is why I'm making the video.
And basically what it was is I said,
why do people choose people that don't choose them?
And a lot of times people will choose people
that are emotionally unavailable that can't choose them,
why do you do that?
Well, the reason we choose people that don't choose us
is because we're not choosing ourselves.
And then people say, Aaron, how do you choose yourself?
I got so many dms of questions about this,
how do you choose yourself?
How do I choose yourself?
Well, I'll share with you what I did,
and even just recently, within the last couple months,
I've began choosing myself
in a way unlike anything I've ever done before.
Now I'm moving into a phase of my life
where I feel very empowered.
I'm moving from just making YouTube videos
into running live events,
I'm stepping into the unknown,
I feel just so much like power
beginning to like unleash within me.
And as this has been happening,
I've been questioning why I believed what I believed.
I've been questioning why I believed people
are just emotionally unavailable,
believing I deserve emotional unavailability,
why I am also like afraid or had that afraid energy
around emotional availability to where
I would like keep it at bay.
And what I've realized is there was just so much
of my life that I lived in survival mode
where it's like my nervous system wouldn't understand
what that emotional availability is even if it was there.
And what I've had to do recently is look at this
and realize that a lot of times what I would do
is distract myself from doing my own work
by projecting it onto other people and saying,
this person's not emotionally available.
This person's not present.
And then I would be like be able
to put the work to the side.
But what I've realized is that the key
to me being in my own magnetic energy,
the key to me feeling more emotionally available
and attracting emotionally available people
was when I began choosing myself,
choosing myself meaning also appreciating myself.
This meant like realizing that what I really enjoy,
one of the parts of my life I really enjoy
is I like being alone.
Now, this doesn't mean that I won't be in a relationship,
or I don't want a relationship or anything,
this means I started appreciating being in my own energy,
literally like at nighttime, I love learning things,
I love watching certain things,
I love learning and watching YouTube videos,
I love reading, I love meditating.
Like my subconscious I believe is very active.
I love dreaming.
And I've realized I do love being in my own energy,
and before that I never realized how much
I appreciated myself.
I never realized how much I appreciated being alone,
not lonely, alone, they're different.
Lonely is like, ooh, you don't feel
that one with everything and you think there's a problem,
when you're alone you can be completely content
in your own energy.
And alone is very powerful.
And to really attract emotionally available love
or love in general, you have to be okay.
It's like once you get to a place to where you're okay
being alone and you love yourself,
and you love being in your own energy,
and in a way you fall in love with yourself,
you put out an energy that other people feel
and then it attracts people because of that energy.
But if you feel like, oh, I feel lonely
or there's not someone in my life,
I need someone to be in a relationship with me
for me to feel worthy, then you vibrationally
are putting your own happiness on hold.
You're vibrationally making a rule that says,
I can only feel happy when X, Y, Z happens.
And you're then capping yourself from feeling worthy now.
So what I've realized also about emotional availability
is that did you have a parent that was emotionally
or physically abandoning you as a kid?
They weren't emotionally present with you,
or they weren't physically there for you?
Because what happens as little kids
we internalize everything that's happening.
If mom or dad is physically or emotionally not available,
we assume it's because we're not worthy.
We assume there's a level of shame that says I'm broken,
there's something wrong with me.
So what happens is if we believe there is something wrong
with us, we then carry that belief with us
to every relationship we have.
So imagine getting into a relationship where you say,
I want to attract an emotionally available partner
but all you can attract from the belief of I'm broken
there's something wrong with me is someone
that can't really choose you,
someone that can't really be emotionally present with you
because there's a belief there that says
there's something wrong with me.
So one of the things that I had to do, is I had to look
at the emotional availability that I experienced growing up,
and I had to recognize and realize that my parents divorcing
when I was five was not my fault.
Mom or dad's emotional availability when I was a baby
was not my fault.
As a kid I believed it was my fault.
But as I started to separate self from other
that was really the key.
'Cause as a kid you think everything's your own fault,
you think that everything is you.
And then eventually if you don't individuate,
you then clinging to other people to meet your needs.
And once I stopped clinging to other people
and I started realizing my own brilliance,
and I don't mean this from a narcissistic way by the way,
but I mean like literally you can appreciate who you are,
you can appreciate being in your own energy
without being narcissistic.
Being narcissistic as when you expect everyone else
to adhere to your frame and you manipulate other people
to get your needs met.
That's not what I mean here.
But when you get to the core wound of abandonment
and you realize that what you may have had
is you may have had and what may have been familiar
for you too maybe as a kid it was familiar
to have somebody that was emotionally
or physically unavailable.
So now what happens in life is you are in relationships
that feel familiar to you.
Now here's the thing, you attract people into your life
that reflect back similar childhood dynamics
of when you were a kid.
So if when you were a kid
you had an emotionally unavailable mom or dad,
then now it's probably natural and familiar for you
to have that in your life.
So you would say, why don't I attract
emotionally available people?
Well, that doesn't feel familiar.
If you did have someone that was emotionally available
to you, it'd probably feel very weird and uncomfortable.
So this is why it is so important to become aware
of the energy that you are embodying.
Become aware of what your beliefs are about relationships,
Become aware of what your beliefs are about yourself
and how you relate to other people.
And for me, the biggest things that have changed my life
is taking ownership because for a long time
would attract emotionally unavailable people
and it was always a story that it was their problem.
They're not doing the work,
why do I attract this?
And I realized that in order for that to change
as the reflection I had to change,
I had to become more vulnerable,
I had to stop capping off my personality,
I had to show the real me.
This meant being vulnerable in the dating process,
this meant being vulnerable in the relationship
like every level of vulnerability.
And here's the thing, if you're vulnerable with someone
and they can't hang or they don't like it,
they may reject you or not be about it,
but then you save yourself time.
You only entertain emotionally unavailable people
when you believe that that's what you're worthy of.
It's like when you look at narcissists for example,
narcissists normally will attract empathic people,
like empathic people that accept them no matter what,
that adhere to their frame no matter what.
Now narcissists attract empaths because empaths
are like the only ones that will put up with their BS,
because they feel like that maybe they want their frame.
Narcissists do have a strong frame
and that's why empaths sometimes are attracted to it.
So they want, or they can learn from them in a way
of how to come up with their own boundaries
and how to say no to that.
But in the same way, how do you not attract
emotionally unavailable people anymore?
You realize that when you become emotionally available,
and when you start opening your heart,
like there will be people that you're normally attracted to
and you will notice that they won't resonate
with that energy.
You save yourself time.
It's a good thing because then you make room
for a new standard.
You make room for people that are emotionally available.
Now, vulnerability is not just about crying your emotions
to other people and saying, this is how I feel.
Vulnerability is expressing your true emotions
that you would normally hide.
This means like in the dating process for me
as I shed the whole nice guy people pleaser thing
like two years ago, that meant when I was dating someone
I would actually show sexual interest.
Vulnerability is going over to approach someone else.
Vulnerability could be flirting with someone else,
showing interest.
Vulnerability could be expressing
when you start to have feelings for someone,
could be expressing when you start to get scared
or you start to, you know I'm feeling this way,
I'm feeling like when you said this
it made me feel that way.
You normally maybe hold that back cause you're afraid
of the rejection.
Instead, it's about becoming aware
that the more vulnerability, the more open-hearted you are,
the more real it is, the more authentic it is,
the more courage that takes but the more attractive you are.
Not when you're coming from a place of just crying though,
like, oh this, what I mean is vulnerability
from a place of power,
like I'm gonna express this to you.
And there's such a lack of vulnerability nowadays
in different relationships in society in general
that it's like refreshing if you can have it.
So one thing I really encourage you to look at
is your own own emotional availability within yourself.
Look at are you choosing yourself?
Choosing yourself, meaning are you setting boundaries
and not doing things you don't wanna do?
Doing things you do wanna do?
Are you appreciating being in your own energy?
Are you honoring yourself instead of just others
to get your needs met?
Me, I'm like moving into a new stage of my life
where like, I like freedom, I like traveling,
I like meeting different types of people,
I like eating at great restaurants,
I like doing my live events.
I'm like stepping into this new me,
and as I step into this new me
it's completely transforming the way that I show up
and my own magnetism, my own energy,
and I question the beliefs,
and I question the things that say,
like question the belief that says
I attract emotionally unavailable people.
And then start realizing how can I be
more emotionally available with myself?
How can I express myself to my family members
and my friends?
How can I open up my heart and be more authentic?
And as you do that, you will be setting a trend
to where then you will attract people
that are emotionally available to you,
and you can shed the people pleaser persona, the empath
like feeling like you're sucking to other people's frame,
you can start to be in your own frame.
So the key and the cure to emotional availability
all it is, is very simple, you must become
emotionally available yourself by being vulnerable
and choosing yourself.
And as you choose yourself, other people will choose you,
other opportunities will choose you,
it will completely change your reflection in your life
but it comes from that one decision.
Now, something we are doing by the way, on April 14th
to the 20th is a seven day emotional freedom challenge.
If you wanna let go of the past,
if you wanna let go of the fear, the doubt, the anxiety
that's been holding you back from really expressing
the real you, and really let go of the bottom level emotions
and integrate past experiences so you can elevate your vibe,
then what you do is you join by going
to aarondoughty.com/emotion,
join the seven day emotional freedom challenge.
We're gonna be doing somatic release breath work,
we're gonna be doing different practices
for releasing energy from the body.
I'm gonna be teaching the frame technique,
it's a seven day live transformational experience.
So there's a replay if you can't make it live, check it out,
click this link right here to join.
Grab your spot, right meow.