♪♪
-Welcome back. So, when you see...
This isn't "A Closer Look."
When you see a Ye like this,
it's actually pronounced "The,"
The Olde Diet Coke.
There was a letter called a thorn.
I don't even know if I'm holding this right.
And thorn was the last letter in the alphabet they let go.
It was --
It basically was "th."
It made a "th" sound
and then they took thorn aside and said,
"We think we can do it with 'T' and 'H.'
You're redundant," and let it go.
So, but I guess they printed it with a "Y"
because that was closest to what it looked like
on the new tyce -- typescript, excuse me.
So, when you see a ye, it actually is the.
The "Y" means "th."
That's very important to remember.
I guess it's not just for things like that,
like that movie, it's actually pronounced
"Old Theller."
[ Laughter ]
We also talked about, uh,
Revolutionary War Founding Father-era Trump
would have a scam tea.
Because, you know, they kind of famously were real
into tea back then, you know, during the Revolutionary War.
You're a history buff, Shoemaker.
-[ Laughs ] -And so we had graphics make that.
I think they made it a little modern, the box.
[ Laughter ] The packaging was not
Revolutionary War-style and somebody wrote, actually,
"Tea at the time would've been served in a sack."
And we knew that,
but when I called the control booth and said,
"Can we get the penis tea on the sack?",
HR cut the line.
[ Laughter ]
Someone says, "Why do you have a mic here,
if you got a mic on your lapel?"
This is a backup mic, in case anything happens
to the lapel mic.
And this is also interesting.
There's a -- [ Grunts ] There's a speaker...
See that speaker? ...which is right here
and it's been there from the very first show.
And every night, I trip over it.
[ Laughter ]
Pret-ty cool.
We said that, in the new Scooby-Doo, Velma is gay.
Many of you pointed out she's always been gay.
She's just out now.
[ Laughter ]
Um --
Oh, we talked about --
We talked about how sometimes Fox News graphics
make Joe Biden look really cool
and they had one of him wearing sunglasses,
eating an ice cream cone.
And then we said that looks like the poster
of a movie with Jason Statham called "Ice Cream Man."
Well, guess what, guys.
There was an actual movie
called "Ice Cream Man,"
starring one-time "Late Night with Seth Meyers" guest
Clint Howard and here's the poster.
It was a real movie, "Ice Cream Man."
And if you're wondering
who did the soundtrack,
it was Randy Newman.
No, it was that guy.
[ Laughter ]
In one of our jokes, we also said, "Somebody, quick,
somebody invent Wite-Out."
Somebody did invent Wite-Out.
Bette Nesmith Graham invented Wite-Out,
Liquid Paper, it was called at the time,
history's first correction fluid, in 1956.
Shoemaker, do you know who her son was?
Mike Nesmith from The Monkees.
And I knew that Shoemaker would know that
because the amount I've heard him go --
[ As Shoemaker ] They were my Beatles.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, chimpanzees are not monkeys.
And I guess we said that and I
know that because, back when, before we had --
before we stopped having animals on the show,
we did a segment where
a chimpanzee handler brought out a chimp to do a sketch
and the chimp broke free.
And it was a pretty harrowing day.
I hope everybody's okay with me bringing it back up again.
Tore off down the hallway, ripping pictures off the wall
and went into our offices and it was just chaos.
And, fortunately, everybody kind of got to safety
and we managed to close the door,
but you could just hear him screeching and --
It was a mess. So loud.
And, obviously, you know,
the chimpanzee was so, you know, out of sorts.
And so we called New York City Animal Control.
We said, "Like there's a monkey loose in our office."
And these guys came, these two guys,
pretty quickly, I should note.
Put on these giant, padded suits.
And then they went in about 15 minutes.
And we just heard the monkey -- the chimpanzee screeching.
And then they came out.
Still heard the screeching in the background,
like "Aar! Aar! Aar!"
And they looked at us and said, "There's no monkey in there."
[ Laughter ]
And we were like, "What?" And they go,
"It's a chimpanzee. They're apes."
We were like, "Okay, well, can you get it out?"
And they're like, "No, because our action order
that you called in...
[ Laughter ]
...we put down monkey and that's --"
And they said they had to go all the way back to the office.
[ Laughter ]
We said the world's oldest dog died.
We were told that's impossible because,
[ Snapping fingers ] the minute It dies,
there's a new world's oldest dog.
Although, they also wrote, It's a wrong sentence."
[ Laughter ]
On that note, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle --
we called him that.
We've been told this before.
"You don't take the knighthood with you to the grave.
So, you actually would, right now call him
Arthur Conan Doyle."
Although -- and I'm not naming names --
the person who took it away from you
is also dead now, so...
[ Laughter ]
...I think you could try to keep from here on out.
We mentioned the Jeffrey Dahmer show on Netflix.
I misstated the title.
The actual title is
"Dahmer -- Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story."
Because I guess it was originally called
"Dahmer -- Monster" and there were some --
there was like a Glenn Dahmer.
There were some other Dahmers out there...
[ Laughter ]
...who also wear prescription aviators
and I guess it was
very awkward for them.
They maybe had some connections at Netflix
and they're like, "Can you really hammer home it's not --
[ Laughter ] which Dahmer it's about?"
I said, "A magniflying lens."
That's a flub, you sons of bitches.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, I shouldn't say that
because I think a lot of you who said that were ladies.
That's a flub,
you sons and daughters of bitches.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, we said -- we joked that Donald Trump
read "Goodnight Moon" to his kids
and it was from the New York City Public Library.
And one of you said he couldn't have done that
because the New York City Public Library
did not have that book until 1972 because --
this is true -- the librarian in charge
of the New York City Public Library did not like that book.
But I will note that, as long as it was there in 1972,
that is in time for Donald Trump to read it to his kids,
based on when they were born.
Point is, he never read it to them.
But it is an interesting story.
The reason she banned it -- Because you would think,
"What is the problem with 'Goodnight Moon'?"
Is she thought it sucked.
[ Laughter ]
These are some fun viewer questions.
"Just a question.
Who are the people who laugh?"
The crew. "Did you hire them?"
I did. "Why do they laugh?"
I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
"Who is the dude laughing out loud in the background
in every 'Corrections' take?
It's adding to the comedic value somewhat."
I'll give you a dollar if you can guess his name.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Or, to put it another way,
I'll give you a buck.
[ Laughter ]
We do have
international viewers and one of them wrote --
because, again, we have been leaning into it
the last couple of weeks --
"I still don't know what sport the Mets play."
[ Laughter ]
Well, when you figure it out,
[ Muttering ] tell the Mets.
[ Laughter ]
Whoo!
[ Claps, snaps fingers ] You guys remember
we gave you a P.O. Box
to send in postcards and, well, oh, well,
look at the jackals.
Look what they've done.
One from Paris, one from Bodo. I'll guess that's Norway.
This is the Swedish royal family.
That's pretty exciting.
[ Gasps ]
Harrogate!
Harrow-gait.
[ Laughter ]
Ooh, remember we talked
about Tallinn, Estonia?
Well, that's my Estonia postcard.
And now, you guys remember
the reason I gave that P.O. Box is I just said,
"Do with it what you will."
I at no point implied there was a contest
or that I would do a drawing for you to get a mug.
If I did, that was clearly facetious...
[ Laughter ]
...because, if I had done that.
based on what I'm hearing from our legal department,
I'm in a [bleep] world of [bleep].
[ Laughter ]
Okay? So, look, if you want to send a postcard
to the P.O. Box, yeah, do that,
with no promise from me.
And maybe, at one point, I'll be walking down the hallway
and someone will bump into me and one will fall, right?
And I'll just pick it up and say, "Oh, here's an idea.
I'll send them a mug."
But it's not a contest or a drawing.
It's not a situation
where my phone's ringing off the [bleep] hook...
[ Laughter ]
...from the legal department, saying,
"What the [bleep] did you do?!
[ Laughter ]
We didn't see this script!"
And then you have to be like, "Well, there's not a script
for 'Corrections.'" And they're like,
"What the [bleep] is 'Corrections'?!"
[ Laughter ]
Just mean!
[ Laughter ]
I'm so happy about my postcards, though.
[ Laughter ]
Look, if there was to be a random moment
where somebody bumped into me
and I found one and then that --
because it was cool, and for no other reason,
I decided to send a mug,
we're going to do that in two weeks.
[ Laughter ] I have a feeling
somebody might bump into me.
[ Laughter ]
Uh-uh!
So, somebody said this --
you know, again, we're talking about --
Oh, sorry, I should say this real quick.
Um --
We did a Michael Myers from "Halloween" sketch.
Mike Scollins wrote it.
He also cast himself as -- the part was Sexy Teen.
[ Laughter ]
Now, nobody, I should note,
nobody was upset at the Sexy part.
Like everybody signed off on that.
There were some jackals who thought
he wasn't a super believable teen.
I think it's probably Really unfair that we --
his head ended up between like two far more believable teens.
[ Laughter ]
Like, you know, you wouldn't see this and think,
"They're all in the same class."
[ Laughter ]
Alright, so, I mentioned this dude last week
and someone said, "Right after you mentioned him,
you smiled in a way you looked like him."
And I went to the timecode they gave me
and that was the face I was making.
So, I don't know if that's a full Mac Tonight face.
And I don't know what you're implying, that,
any night there's like a quarter moon,
I transform.
[ Laughter ]
My wife tries to tie me to the bed
and then I end up coming home the next morning
smelling of French fries.
[ Laughter ]
Well, the game is up.
[ Laughter ]
Happy Halloween.
[ Laughter ]
Legal wouldn't let us play
the lightning sound effect?
[ Laughter ]
I don't think it was the best "Corrections."
[ Laughter ]
But it was a "Corrections."
See me in two weeks.