You know we've got a lot of parenting
resources. No exception today, we're
getting clear on the teenagers. How to be
a better parent to your teenager? We get
a lot of comments in our YouTube videos
about specifics like well how do I apply
this to my teenager. Yeah. So, we're diving
into that here today. I think the most
important thing to start with is
understanding that a teenager is a
different animal. Animal, okay, I know. I'm
going to be accused of being insensitive
now. It's a whole different thing from a
child. In fact, there were somebody came
into the office not too long ago he said,
"This is... He's doing this and he's doing
that and he's doing this. This is just
not like my child." And I responded, "It's
not your child. It's your teenager."
Different animal. Yeah. Yeah. So,
understanding those developmental
differences is really important. Yeah. So,
you know one of the things... We've talked
about how a toddler is quite
self-centered. They want... What they want,
they want it right now.
And they really can't see how other
people's needs fit in. And it's kind of
interesting because they sort of grow
out of that as they learn how to make
friends and take on perspective of other
people. It's kind of interesting there's
a little return to that sort of an
attitude in the teenage years. Now,
they're able to see it and come in and
out of it sometimes. But there's a bit of
a return to that. Well, they've got the
intellectual capacity now to understand
things like they couldn't when they were
just little toddlers. But you're right,
Vicki. There are some repeats. Yeah. I
want to do it myself.
Yeah. You will hear from your two-year-old and
from your teenager. And from your 15-year
old, right? So, you're going to see kind of
a return to those developmental stages.
But they also have the intellectual
capacity now. They have a greater
understanding of what's going on in the
world out around them. For little kids,
their world is confined to these 4
walls. Right. Everything I know is right
here in my home. And so, parents have a
little more ability to structure that.
Whereas teenagers have an understanding
of us
in the world out there. I just had an
11-year-old in my office yesterday.
Who was experienced in seeing some
things that used to be confined to 17, 18
year olds. Because of the internet,
because of the technology that's
available. They get exposed to things a
lot more. So, keep that in mind as you
work with your teen.-- That there are going
to be some developmental differences and
some similarities, too. We get to learn a
lot from that. Yeah, and I'm just going to...
We're going to refer back to our stage time.
Because a lot of the times it's... We
remember it's about stage not age. And I
guess, I've mentioned this whole
returning. Because sometimes you return
to stage one. And that's going to make a
difference about the way that you
respond to your teenager. Instead of just
get mad at them for not being who they
were yesterday. Right. Or behaving the way
they did two weeks ago. Go ahead and meet
them where they're at. So, if you need a
refresher, go back and find that video
about the stages of moral development.
And just keep that in mind.
It's called teaching kids responsibility.
Right. All about positive parenting.
You'll find it here in the positive
parenting playlist. That's important to
review those stages. Right. So that we
understand what is it that we're dealing
with right now. I'm expecting my child,
now, my teenager to behave in a certain
way. But they're giving me something else.
Well, what stage is that on? Here's one of
the big things that changes, Vicki. When
we get into the teenage years, we lose
some control. A lot. Because your child, as
they mature, they will take more control.
Whether you want to share it with them
or not, eventually they're going to take it.
And whether you think they're ready for
it or not, they're taking it. Now, this is
huge. I remember a mom and a son sitting
on my couch over there. And I asked her,
"What's the problem?" Well, she went into a
long explanation of how school was going
downhill and he was hanging out with
questionable people and trying
substances and you know, just having all
kinds of issues going on. Well, he's
sitting over on the other end of the
couch. He's got his hat on backwards, he's
chewing on a toothpick, you know, And he's
just kind of got an attitude about being
there. Well ask him, "What's going on?" He
turns to her
the same grew and "She is controlling my
life!" I look at her like, "What's up mom?
You're controlling his life?" She's like,
"No, I can't. That's the problem." She
doesn't have that control. I think we got
to get clear about what we control and
what we don't. One thing you might try
with your teenager, especially. Just make
a big display your paper in half. Okay,
just get a piece of paper draw a line
right down the middle. Put your name at
the top of one side and your teenager's
name at the top of the other. And they
start listing the things that each of
those parties controls about the
teenagers life. And you're going to find
very quickly that they control most of
the stuff that you're worried about. How
they handle school, how they handle
friends, how they handle substances,
whatever it is, right? Their language,
their behavior, their attitude. It's all
on their side of the page. What's on your
side of the page? Well, there's some
important stuff there. But as it relates
to your teen, it really comes back to
"What do i as a parent provide?" And you
provide access, you provide permission,
you provide services, you provide goods,
right? Right. Those are the things you
control. So, especially with parenting
teens is it's important to acknowledge
that control. And I think you really have
to... When working with teens, you have to
realize one of the things that irritates
us the most appearance of teens is the
the teens attitude. We don't
control that. No. That's one of the things
that frustrates us so much. We get really
upset that we can't control their
attitude. That we can't affect their
attitude the way that we want to. And
then our attitude goes out the window.
And so, you got to get really clear about
that. So, the things you can control, put
in the structure and everything that you
need to control that. And then you've got
to learn a way to let some of the things
you don't like their attitude off. Yes or to
set up some kind of a economic
transaction. Right. If you do the split
page exercise, you can always look at
"Okay, what it is what is it on my
teenagers side of the page that I really
am concerned about right now." It might be
school. You don't control that, they do.
But you've got stuff on your side.
So, you set up a transaction where, "Hey..."
And its pleasant.
Okay? Keep a pleasant orientation. "Hey, I
don't want to nag you about that. That's
not fair to you or me. Here's what I'm
willing to do, if you will control this
thing in a way that I like, I will
control this thing in a way that you
like, deal?" And as long as you're smiling,
see when mom's smiling, kids are thinking.
Good rule of thumb. Right. As your teens
get older and you start to experience
less control, that tips parents over.
Sometimes then they get really frantic. I
think it's important to go back to a
really positive interaction with that
teen and find a way to enjoy them. Yeah.
This can be so tricky. But you try to
start seeing them for the new individual
that they are. Somebody you're just
meeting maybe. And be willing to look for
some qualities and some characteristics,
some humor, different things that you
really like about your teen. This carries
some power when you're working with
teens. Because they will respond much
more favorably to someone who likes them
and enjoys them. Right. Then they will to
someone that they know doesn't approve
of their behavior or their lifestyle or
their actions or whatever. So, you want to
put yourself in that position
intentionally. That you enjoy them and do
it genuinely. Come from the best
place in your heart. And really, take the
opportunity to look at this new teenager,
This new person in your life. And find
things you like about them. Because there
are going to be things. Now, they'll be
different than maybe what it was as a
school-aged child, you know? Probably. Yeah.
Be willing to find them. I love that,
Vicki. And having having a sense of
wonder, fascination, engagement. This
changes the dynamic and puts you in a
more powerful position as a parent.
Remember through all of this that you
are the parent. We just talked about
enjoying your child. I'm not saying that
you should switch your role and quit
being their parent and just start being
their buddy.
Be friendly but remain the Parent.
Right. Be the parent. Be willing to
set the limits.
And sometimes, you're going to get
feedback. This, "I hate you or you
hate me." Or whatever, right?
Usually if we were to interpret that, it
means, "Oh, I don't like the limit you just
set." And you're probably on the right
track. You're probably on the right track.
So, be ready to hear some of that and it
might sting a little bit but you stay
the parent. You got to maintain that role.
Now, we're going to make some mistakes
occasionally. Right, right.
And that's one of my other favorite
techniques of parenting teenagers in
particular. And that is the do-over. Oh, I love this one.
A lot of the times we've talked so often
that you need to parent from a place
that's non emotional in so many ways.
Right. But our teens bring out emotions
in us. So, sometimes you respond just
really quickly and it's very emotional.
And you might have said something
differently. Had you been calm? I remember
this really strongly. One time a
teenagers son came to me said something
and I just kind of lit into him and it
just turned into a huge blow up and he
ran off and I was mad while I was doing
the chore I was doing. And I got to
thinking, "Man, if I would have said this, I
think things would have got a whole lot
better." So, after I calmed down, giving him
a little time, I went down I said, "Hey, I
would really like a do-over. When you
said this to me, I wish this is the way I
would have handled it." I think
it's really powerful. Now, that doesn't
always change everything that happened.
But there's a couple things that happen.
One, you show the child, the teenager that
you make mistakes. That sometimes your
emotions get the better of you. Yeah. And
to take responsibility for that. The
other thing too is you get in a habit of
responding. You know how it is. You get in
the habit of just the same response. If
you don't practice a different response,
it's probably not going to change. So, the
do-over actually gives you an
opportunity to practice a new response.
An improved response. Vicki, I got to
observe that very incident from the
other room. And so, I heard that unfolding
and it was so powerful. And I
as you approached our son and said, "Hey,
could I have a do-over?"
His response to you was so beautiful. He
just... He just melted. It was like your
humility, your willingness to say, "Hey, you
know what? That didn't go how I wanted it,
to kind of a do-over." It put him in a
position of "Ahw." You know, he's like, he's totally
willing to work with you. Yeah. And I'm
not saying that's the magical answer. They won't
always. They might get some resistance.
But it puts you in a position that is
much more powerful as parent. Right.
And I think it also illustrates
something that I think we should bring
up. A lot of the times all we ever want
to talk about is everybody's wins. And I
think with teens, it's important to
acknowledge from an early age. I'd say
before their teens. Talk about what
didn't go right today? And... Right. Yeah,
because... What were the failures? Yeah. And
remember that I like the definition of
fail as "First Attempt In Learning." Yeah.
You know they're learning how to be an
adult that's why this teenage year is so
important. Mm-hmm. And so, give them a
chance to talk about things that didn't
go so great. And maybe you have to be the
model of that. You know, this didn't go so
great. This is how I wish it would have
gone. Because we want to teach them how
to problem-solve and take responsibility
for their actions. Both the good and the
bad and turn it around to have a better
outcome. We already have high
expectations. So, notice that and it's not
good or bad. It's just kind of how we
operate. That creates a lot of pressure
for our teens. Right. And they want to
please us. I think what you're talking
about here, Vicki is so powerful because
we create a culture where failure or
having a first attempt in learning is
not only acceptable, it's expected and
it's a good thing. And it's part of the
journey. You know a great example of this?
Disney's Meet the Robinsons. Remember
that movie? There's several times in the
movie where they celebrate the failure.
And a comment that when something like,
"Oh, yeah you can learn a lot from your
failures. Success? Not so much."
Right. And that is so true. Think about
your own life, that is true. You can
create a culture with your teens where
it's very tolerant and accepting and
affirming when it comes to those
failures. Another technique that I think
is really important especially for our
teens is to be there at that crossroads.
And that means, be there when they're
coming and that when they're going. And
this can be really hard because I don't
know about you but it seems like the
teenager is always ready to talk at
midnight or 11:00, 1:00. I want to go to
bed because I got to get up at 6:00.
Their brain turns on when iris turns off.
I've got to be there at the crossroads. So,
if there's any way you can be there as
they leave in the morning, be there as
they come home. Or when they come... Go on a
date or come in. I have a friend, you know,
she's gotten into the habit that every
time her kids come, when they go to leave,
she goes out on the porch and she stands
there until they leave and she waves. I
thought, "I kind of want to try that." I've tried it a
couple times just in the last month or
2. But I like... I kind of like that. Just be
being there for your kids. But I think it's
important to try to be there in their
crossroads. Whatever their crossroads are.
Now, we all have different circumstances.
And I know a lot of you are working and
you've got heavy responsibilities and
it's hard to sometimes arrange all of
the logistics for that. And that's why I
think, like you said with this mom who
wanted to do it this way. You find your
way. What is it that represents to you
that you're there, you're present, you're
observing their life, you're
participating, you're their cheerleader?
Right. And you're there at the crossroads
as you said. It helps, right? To get more
specific? Teenagers are different from
kids. We've got a lot more resources for
you.
In fact right over here, you can check
out some of the resources Vicki and I
are putting together to be part of your
parenting team.