LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"" BROADCASTING
LIVE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
I'M TONIGHT'S MODERATOR, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE JUST WITNESSED THE THIRD AND FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
BECAUSE TWO'S NOT QUITE ENOUGH, AND I THINK FOUR WOULD MAKE US
GO CANNIBAL.
NOW, LET'S SEE.
LEADING UP TO THE DEBATE, TRUMP HAS REPEATEDLY SAID THIS
ELECTION IS RIGGED.
AND I WHERE TO SAY THERE WAS SOME EVIDENCE TONIGHT.
LOOK WHAT IT SAID BEHIND HILLARY, RIGHT THERE!
RIGGED!
THAT DIDN'T LOOK GOOD.
I DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP.
YOU CAN'T MAKE THAT UP.
>> Jon: YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
>> Stephen: AND THOUGH IT CAME HALFWAY THROUGH THE DEBATE
TONIGHT, I THINK THE DEFINGATIVE MOMENT OF THE EVENING, OF THE
ELECTION, OF THE AMERICAN EXPERIMENT, CAME WHEN CHRIS
WALLACE ASKED DONALD TRUMP IF HE WOULD ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF THE
ELECTION ON NOVEMBER 8, AND TRUMP HAD THIS TO SAY.
>> ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE NOT PREPARED NOW TO COMMIT TO
THAT PRINCIPLE?
>> WHAT I'M SAYING IS, I'LL TELL YOU AT THE TIME.AC
I'LL KEEP YOU IN SUSPENSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OH MY GOD. THAT'S, THAT'S-- I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THE
WORD?
>> THAT'S HORRIFYING.
>> Stephen: THANK YOUING!
THANK YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU!
I JUST-- I WANT TO MAKE SURE I HEARD THAT CORRECTLY.
JIMMY, CAN I HEAR THAT ONE MORE TIME?
>> I'LL KEEP YOU IN SUSPENSE.
>> Stephen: OH!
OH, SUSPENSE!
DEMOCRACY'S GOING TO END IN A CLIFFHANGER.
I GUESS WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER 9 TO FIND
OUT IF WE STILL HAVE A COUNTRY.
IF DONALD TRUMP IS THE MOOD FOR A PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER.
OR IF HE'S GOING TO WIPE HIS FAT ASS WITH THE CONSTITUTION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OOOH!
OOOOH!
>> Stephen: WITH TRUMP'S CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENTS ABOUT
NOT ACCEPTING THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION, I DO NOT ENVY HIS
CAMPAIGN MANAGER UPON KELLYANNE CONWAY, AND I'M BEING TOLD WE
HAVE FOOT ANNUAL OF HER TAKING QUESTIONS FROM REPORTERRED IN
THE SPIN ROOM.
SHE'S GOOD.
SHE'S REALLY GOOD.
>> Jon: SHE GOT THAT VIBE!
>> Stephen: SHE'S REALLY GOOD. I BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO
GIVE AWAY HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE REST OF THE DEBATE.
I'LL KEEP YOU IN SUSPENSE.
TO PSYCHE OUT THEIR OPPONENTS, EACH CANDIDATE BROUGHT SPECIAL
GUESTS TONIGHT. H YOU'RE ALLOWED TO BRING PEOPLE
IN TO SIT IN THE AUDIENCE FOR YOU.
TRUMP INVITED PRESIDENT OBAMA'S HALF-BROTHER, MALIK, WHICH I
THINK MEANS THE PRESIDENT'S HALF-BROTHER HAD SEX WITH BILL
CLINTON?EO I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.T
THEN LATE TONIGHT, TRUMP ALSO REVEALED THAT HE WAS ADDING
SARAH PALIN TO HIS INVITE LIST.
I'M NOT SURE HOW HE GOT PALIN TO INTERRUPT HER BUSY SCHEDULE OF
... I'M GONNA SAY SHOOTING KILLER WHALES WITH A BAZOOKA
FROM A JET SKI.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, NOW, I WAS SURPRISED TRUMPN AGREED TO DEBATE IN VEGAS,
ESPECIALLY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA, BECAUSE HE HASN'T HAD A
LOT OF LUCK WITH CASINOS OR UNIVERSITIES.RE
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND REMEMBER, THIS WAS TRUMP'S
LAST CHANCE TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION ON UNDECIDED VOTERS.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT HIM IN THE LAST 16 MONTHS.
SO, FOREST DWELLING HER MITTS AND CRAB FISHERMEN WHO HAVE BEEN
SWEPT OUT TO SEA.HE AND WITH TRUMP FAR BEHIND
HILLARY CLINTON IN THE POLLS, HE REALLY NEEDED HER TO MAKE A
CRITICAL MISTAKE TONIGHT, LIKE, MISPRONOUNCE THE WORD "AMERICA,
"OR SHOOT SULLY SULLENBERGER IN THE FACE, OR SOMETHING LIKE
THAT.
AND THEY BOTH CAME, YOU KNOW, LOOKING THEIR BEST.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DONALD TRUMP WORE HIS TRADEMARK RED POWER TIE,U
WHILE HILLARY CLINTON CAME DRESSED AS "STAR TREK "DEEP
SPACE POPE.
NOT A BAD LOOK.
RIGHT OFF THE BAT, TRUMP PAINTED A GRIM PICTURE OF A CLINTON
PRESIDENCY.
>> I BELIEVE IF MY OPPONENT SHOULD WIN THIS RACE-- CAN WHICH
I TRULY DON'T THINK WILL HAPPEN-- WE WILL HAVE A SECOND
AMENDMENT WHICH WILL BE A VERY, VERY SMALL REPLICA OF WHAT IT IS
RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: YES, A TINY REP REPLICA OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT,
MAYBE PUT OUT BY THE FRANKLIN MINT, SO SMALL.
ON THE PLUS SIDE, AT LEAST THEN IT WILL FIT HIS TINY, TINY
HANDS.
WHERE IS IT?
HILLARY CLINTON DID NOT SHY AWAY FROM THIS TOUGH ISSUE ABOUT
SUPPORTING GUN CONTROL LEGISLATION.
>> I WAS UPSET BECAUSE, UNFORTUNATELY, DOZENS OF
TODDLERS INJURE THEMSELVES, EVEN KILL PEOPLE, WITH GUNS.
>> Stephen: NOW, IF I HEARD THAT CORRECTLY, HILLARY CLINTON
TOOK THE POSITION OF TODDLERS KILLING PEOPLE EQUALS BAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE FINDS THE COURAGE TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.
ON THE SUBJECT OF IMMIGRATION, HOT-BUTTON ISSUE, THIS YEAR AND
REALLY EVERY ELECTION YEAR, TRUMP WAS NOT AFRAID TO TAKE THE
CURRENT ADMINISTRATION TO TASK.
>> PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS DEPORTED MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE
JUST THE WAY-- >> SECRETARY.
>> Stephen: YEAH, OBAMA DEPORTED MILLIONS AND MILLIONS
AND DONALD TRUMP THINKS THAT'S...NS
BAD?
( LAUGHTER ) GOOD?
TRUMP JUST PRAISED OBAMA?
I DON'T-- THAT BORDER WALL BETTER BE TALL JUST TO KEEP OUT
THE FLYING PIGS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )LL
IT WAS SURPRISING.
THROUGHOUT THE DEBATE, SOMEHOW TRUMP FOUND TIME TO TWEET
REPEATEDLY.
IT WAS PRETTY SURPRISING, BUT AT LEAST WE KNOW WHERE HIS HANDS
WERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU DON'T KNOW.
IT'S LIKE THIS.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIS HANDS THE WHOLE TIME.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
HE COULD HAVE BEEN CHURNING BUTTER.
HE COULD HAVE BEEN CHURNING BUTTER THE ENTIRE TIME,
OBVIOUSLY.
THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
IT'S A FAMILY-FRIENDLY LIVE SHOW.
>> Jon: YUP,IUM.
>, YUP.>> Stephen: THE TWO OF TH POLITICIANS GOT INTO A BIT OF AN
ARGUMENT ABOUT WHO IS DOING VAD PIRPUTIN'S BIDDING.
>> THAT'S BECAUSE HE'D RATHER HAVE A PUPPET.
>> NO PUPPET.
YOU'RE THE PUPPET.
>> IT'S PRETTY CLEAR YOU WON'T ADMIT THAT THE RUSSIANS --
>> NO, YOU'RE THE PUPPET.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE PUPPET.
>> NO, YOU'RE THE PUPPET.
>> YOU'RE THE PUPPET.
>> YOU'RE THE PUPPET!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, PUPPET.
I LOVE-- OH, YOU LOVE ME, TOO!
OH, YOU LOVE ME, TOO!
THAT WAS LESS JUVENILE THAN THEO DEBATE. M
( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP-- THIS ONE WANTS TO CHURN
SOME BUTTER.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP-- IT'S A PUPPET!
GROW UP!
TRUMP HAD SOME TOUGH QUESTIONS ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON'S RECORD.
>> THE PROBLEM IS YOU TALK BUT YOU DON'T GET ANYTHING DONE,
HILLARY.
YOU DON'T.
JUST LIKE WHEN YOU RAN THE STATE DEPARTMENT.
$6 BILLION WAS MISSING.
HOW DO YOU MISS $6 BILLION?
>> Stephen: OH, I KNOW THAT ONE-- OPEN SIX CASINOS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, TRUMP WAS QUICK TO SHOOT
DOWNTOWN SEXUAL ASSAULT ACCUSATIONS AGAINST HIM, OF
COURSE,.
>> MR. TRUMP.
>> NOBODY HAS MORE RESPECT FOR WOMEN THAN I DO, NOBODY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHY I USED TIC-TACES.
IT'S OUT OF RESPECT.
NOBODY WANTS TO BE GROPED AND HAVE BAD BREATH, OKAY.
SECRETARY CLINTON WENT AFTER DONALD TRUMP FOR HIS TENDENCY TO
BLAME HIS LOSSES ON EVERYTHING BEING RIGGED AGAINST HIM.
>> THEN TRUMP UNIVERSITY GETS SUED FOR FRAUD AND RACKETEERING,
HE CLAIMS THE COURT SYSTEM AND THE FEDERAL JUDGE IS RIGGED
AGAINST HIM.
THERE WAS EVEN A TIME WHEN HE DIDN'T GET AN EMMY FOR HIS TV
PROGRAM THREE YEARS IN A ROW, AND HE STARTED TWEETING THAT THE
EMMYS WERE RIGGED.
>> SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN IT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH.
HE MAY HAVE A POINT THERE.
WITH THE EMMYS.
I I'M BEGINNING TO SUSPECT THOSE TELEVISION AWARD MAY BE
CONTROLLED BY MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA.
AND, YOU KNOW, DONALD, YOU REALLY SHOULD GET ONE.
THEY'RE FANTASTIC.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LOVE YOU.
OH, YOU LOVE ME, TOO.
FANTASTIC!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY'RE GREAT!TI
IT REALLY IS.
I THINK-- THIS YEAR, HE MIGHT GET ONE.
TRUMP LOST TO "THE AMAZING RACE."
THIS YEAR IT COULD GO TO "THE AMAZING RACIST."
AND, TRUMP, I GOTTA SAY, TRUMP DID DO A DECENT JOB HOLDING HIS
BASER INSTINCTS IN CHECK, BUT AT THE END, HE LET HIS TRUMP FLAG
FLY WHEN HILLARY TALKED ABOUT TAX REFORM.
>> MY SOCIAL SECURITY PAYROLL CONTRIBUTION WILL GO UP, AS WILL
DONALD'S, ASSUMING HE CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET OUT OF IT.
BUT WHAT WE WANT TO DO IS REPLENISH--
>> SUCH A NASTY WOMAN.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
SO NASTY.
ALSO, QUICK REMINDER-- NO ONE RESPECTS WOMEN MORE THAN ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO NASTY.
SO NASTY.
LOOK, LOOK, SO NASTY, MY NAME IS DONALD TRUMP.
MISS JACKSON, IF YOU'RE NASTY.
SO IT WAS AN HOUR AND A HALF OR A YEAR AND A HALF AND IN THE
END, CHRIS WALLACE, I BELIEVE, PROVED HIMSELF TO BE AN
INSIGHTFUL MODERATOR WHO...
SUMMED UP EVERYTHING WE NEEDED TO SAY.
>> HOLD ON, FOLKS.
THIS DOESN'T DO ANY GOOD FOR ANYONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND JUST LIKE THAT-- AND JUST LIKE THAT, HE DESCRIBED TRUMP'S
WHOLE CAMPAIGN.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
STICK AROUND.
HUGH LAURIE IS HERE.
BUT FIRST, I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT TRUMP'S ALLEGATION THAT
DEAD PEOPLE ARE VOTING, WITH A SURPRISE GUEST.
STICK AROUND.