During Ancient times, a young and dashing Alexander the III of Macedon marched his armies
from Northern Greece to what is now Pakistan in one of the largest martial campaigns ever known.
The redhead warmonger spent nearly half his life on battlefields and was the epitome of the saying
“Live Fast and Die Young”. For the majority of time recorded in human history, Alexander
has been titled “The Great”. But while his legacy is that of one of the greatest men to ever live,
is he as great as history remembers? Welcome to Nutty History, let’s find out if Alexander was
really as great as History would like us to remember or if he did a lot of weird things.
Alexander the III’s father Philip the II’s assassination is one of the well-documented
events in ancient history. But the documented line of events does not entirely account for
all the intentions behind why exactly Pausanias, the bodyguard of King Philip II turned on him and
impaled the monarch to death. The assassination took place in the theater at Aegae, now Virginia.
As Philip made his entrance Pausanias charged at him wielding a dagger that he had concealed
underneath his cloak. Philip was 47 years old and had a limp because of an old battle wound.
Pausanias tried to flee after slaying his king but tripped on a vine root before reaching his horse
and his colleagues swiftly executed him. One could say that Pausanias acted on his own as he did have
a grudge against the middle-aged king. Pausanias was one of Philip’s former lovers but as he grew
older, Philip’s interest shifted towards other younger men. Philip made Pausanias his bodyguard
but the compromise wasn’t enough for Pausanias and he felt he got the short end of the stick
because now he had to watch and endure Philip being romantic with other men and women up close.
The pent-up brood was enough motive to nurture the apathy to terminate King Philip but was it enough?
Philip was still a king and a mighty good one. He literally saved Macedonia from crumbling into dust
and turned it around to make it strong enough to conquer a broken Greece. Assassinating such a
king needed more than just hatred and jealousy. It needed motivation. And this is where Philip’s son
Alexander and his mother Olympias enter the picture. There is no concrete evidence to prove
that Olympias and perhaps Alexander too instigated Pausanias to terminate Philip but it is quite
fascinating how quickly Olympias and Alexander took hold of the power after Philip’s death and
had all of their competitors for the throne eliminated with a sort of Godfather level of
efficiency. There are a lot of factors that worked in Alexander’s ascension to the throne. Alexander
was chosen by Philip as his Regent during his incursions in Asia Minor. His mother had Philip’s
favored wife and her infant son eliminated and Antipater, the only one of Philip’s senior
officers who were close to Alexander persuaded the Macedonian assembly to proclaim Alexander king.
The timing was perfect too, as Attalus and Parmenion, two of Philip’s generals and leaders of
powerful branches of the royal family, were away from Pella on a campaign, an absence that made it
possible to crown the untested Alexander. When the news of Alexander’s coronation
reached Attalus and Parmenion, Parmenion had Attalus executed for voicing his opposition
to Alexander’s ascension to the throne, thus proving himself loyal to Alexander. Obviously,
in the times of antiquity, the swift elimination of rivals was an important step for a new monarch.
But the competence Alexander and Olympias depicted in solidifying their claim to the throne
seemed quite organized. In fact, Olympias wasn’t even in Macedonia when the assassination occurred.
This may mean they had an inclination of what was going to happen to Philip or perhaps they
were simply extra careful contingency planners. We will let you decide what may have transpired.
Unlike his father, Alexander wasn’t a pure Macedonian, he had Greek blood in him too. His
mother Olympias was the daughter of Neoptolemus, king of Epirus. This was one of the reasons why
the majority of the Macedonian king’s inner circle was against the idea of Alexander’s ascension to
the throne. Epirus was an old feudal kingdom southwest of Macedon and until Philip’s reign,
Macedonians were looked down on by ‘more civilized’ Greeks. This may have been one of the
reasons why Philip chose to educate Alexander in a nontraditional fashion for a Macedonian. Alexander
too showed early signs of being a prodigy kid. He was an intellectual who could hold his ground
while discussing matters with adults. He had read entire Greek literature before reaching puberty
and considered Poet Homer as his hero rather than any warriors or kings except his father Philip.
Alexander was also a proficient lyre player and instead of attending the Royal Page School for any
significant length of time, if at all, he was sent to a private academy set up by Aristotle at Mieza,
several miles away from the court of Pella at the age of 14. During his 3 years of education
there under the famed philosopher, Alexander studied poetry, philosophy, and literature.
Even after becoming the King and launching his massive campaign to conquer Asia, Alexander’s love
for philosophy and arts never died. The historian Plutarch says that Alexander carried a copy of the
Iliad among many other books with him throughout his campaigns and the books played an important
part in his strategic and decisive approach. Alexander also had a whole court of philosophers,
scientists, and history writers with him during his martial campaigns so he could talk to them
and discuss his thoughts. Basically, Alexander had his own Nerds’ Club to keep him entertained
between his battles. Perhaps if Dungeons and Dragons or Warhammer were around back in antiquity
then Alexander may have not massacred so many people just to have an excuse for fighting wars.
Insecure, Megalomaniac, and a Heavy Drinker, that’s never a good combination, is it? As much
of a geek Alexander was, he was also a wannabe hardcore frat boy and was infamous for not
holding his liquor well. Standing most likely only 5 feet and 2 inches tall, Alexander was known for
throwing extravagant parties full of intercourse, fervor, and fermented beverages. He used to get
hammered to the extent that the healers in his camp considered his liquor problem one of the
major possible causes for his death. Even if he was poisoned, it was his alcoholic weakness that
made it possible. When partying one night, he was given a large glass of wine. Alexander chugged it
and shrieked aloud in pain. His health rapidly declined until he died just ten days later.
Unlike their Greek neighbors, Macedonians were known to drink their wine undiluted, and
thanks to the pressure of expectations from both parents, Alexander found solace in wine very early
in his life. Another example of alcohol being his coping mechanism was the wedding ceremony
that was organized in Susa after Alexander’s close adviser Philosopher Calanus immolated himself to
avoid dying of old age and disease. Struck with the grief of losing his dear friend, Alexander
organized a drinking competition at a mass wedding ceremony to honor his recently demised advisor.
This was a terrible idea! It is widely known that a decade before arriving at Susa, a grand banquet
was held to celebrate Alexander and his armies’ victory after defeating Persian Emperor Darius
III. Of course, Alexander and his men got super drunk at the banquet and according to Plutarch,
it was Ptolemy’s mistress Thais who reminded Alexander of how Persians had desecrated the
Acropolis in Athens during the Persian War about a century ago. Parmenion urged Alexander to not make
such a drastic decision under the influence of alcohol but Alexander being Alexander
ordered his men to pillage and burn the city to the ground. When Alexander the
Great arrived at Persepolis, it was among the most impressive cities in the world.
But sadly, when he left it was a ruin whose spot would be known for generations only as 'the place
of the forty columns' for the remaining palace columns left standing in the sand among the ruins.
Later coming to his senses Alexander regretted his decision but clearly, he didn’t learn his
lesson. About four years later he would end up persecuting his dear friend Cleitus the Black
in a drunken quarrel. Forty-One contenders were chosen to participate in the drinking competition.
Some of them hailed from the ranks of his army and others belonged to the local population. The
rules were simple. Whoever drank the most wine was the winner and was to be awarded a crown worth a
talent of gold. The winner was one of Alexander’s foot soldiers by the name of Promachus,
who managed to drink 4 gallons of the infamous unmixed wine. But drinking so much undiluted wine
was naturally not healthy and the victor perished soon along with only 5 others who didn’t die on
the spot. Not a single contestant survived! Alexander himself would perish to wine just
a year later. His paranoia and megalomania fueled his addiction and he would drink large quantities
of alcohol in one sitting. Even after the fever had struck him in his last days, he would ask for
more wine instead of water insisting that the fever was an acute case of alcohol withdrawal.
There are very few figures from the ancient world who will fit scaringly well in the modern world,
and Alexander the Great is one of them. To be frank, even though Alexander is widely known today
for his military prowess, it was his political acumen that needs to be highlighted more often.
Alexander can check every trait on the list of a successful modern politician.
When he took over the reins of Macedonia from his deceased father whose death he may or
may not have caused, he took over the plans of King Philip to butt heads with the Persian Empire.
However, Philip’s ambition was limited to Asia Minor only, whereas Alexander was dreaming big
and wanted to conquer the entire Persia. To achieve such an ambitious task, Alexander
needed the entire Greece to back him, and to accomplish that he resorted to propaganda. Persia
and Greece’s relations were somewhat peaceful now but Alexander opened the wounds of Greece’s defeat
in the Persian War that happened about 100 years ago. Thebes tried to obstruct Alexander’s plans
and paid the price by its demise. But always a savvy strategist, Alexander knew he could not
do the same to the rest of Greece else his army would never leave the Peloponnese. Thus, Alexander
framed his campaign against the Achaemenid Empire as a patriotic retaliation for Persia’s failed
invasion of the Greek mainland a century earlier. With the idea of Making Greece Great again,
he projected Macedonians as the savior of Greek Pride and lied that his armies are doing Greece a
favor by invading Persia on behalf of the Greeks and they need Greece’s support. Just to mention
Macedon wasn’t involved in the Greco-Persian wars neither did they support the Greek cause back
then. He also made false claims of fulfilling the prophecy of loosening the Gordian Knot.
For those who do not know about the Gordian Knot, here’s a quick summary of the legend.
When the Phrygians, the Indo-European natives of Anatolia, were without a king, an oracle at
Telmissus decreed that the next man to enter the city driving an ox-cart should become their king.
A peasant farmer named Gordias drove into town on an ox-cart and was immediately declared king.
Out of gratitude, his son Midas dedicated the ox-cart to God Zeus and tied it to a post with
an intricate knot of cornel bark. Later another prophecy declared that any man who could unravel
its elaborate knots was destined to become ruler of all of Asia. This is when Alexander arrived and
attempted to untie the knot but failed. He then reasoned that it would make no difference how
the knot was loosened, so he drew his sword and sliced it in half with a single stroke.
Alexander’s followers spread the lie of him fulfilling the prophecy that helped promote
his image of Greece’s Savior. His officers too started addressing him as Lord of Asia.
Alexander also believed that he was a descendant of the mythical hero, Achilles
and his mother always told him that it was Zeus who was his father and not King Philip. Yeah…
you can probably see what turned Alexander into a megalomaniac ‘dic…tator’ right? If that wasn’t
enough an Oracle at Siwa in Egypt would also later confirm Zeus being his biological father.
Of course, there was no base behind Oracle’s statement, it was just plain old appeasement.
Alexander also mastered the art of making false promises. When his army mutinied at the
shores of River Beas and demanded to go back home, Alexander agreed. But secretly on his way back, he
was planning to invade Arabia and may have done so if death hadn’t intervened. He was also a master
of cultural appropriation and after committing a heck of a Public Relations disaster at Persepolis,
he tried to rectify his image in Persia by doing further PR stunts to project that he
was one of the Persians. Remember this is the person who used Greek patriotism to get enough
support to invade Persia. To the dismay of cultural purists back in Macedonia and Greece,
Alexander began wearing Persian Royal Dresses, tried to imitate their customs, and forced his men
to take Persian women as their wives. He followed the same suit in Egypt and Bactria as well.
Alexander may have been borderline narcissistic. Do we need to mention that he named 70 cities
after himself! Apart from the most famous one at the mouth of the River Nile in Egypt,
other Alexandrias can be traced in present-day Turkey, Iran, Afghanistan, Tajikistan,
and Pakistan. After defeating King Porus near the river Beas, he founded the city Bucephala,
named for his favorite horse for a change. Doesn’t matter, still narcissism. So,
was Alexander the world’s biggest homicidal warmonger, religious fanatic and epitome of
a narcissist? Let us know in the comments, and as always, thanks for watching Nutty History.