So, when you arrive in Formula 1... It was Australia, the first race.
Were you expected to behave like a new boy? "Yes, sir, no, sir"?
I think everyone expects, "This is a new kid, he doesn't know what he's doing
and he'll be a breeze to pass." And that wasn't the case.
It wasn't 'cause the first race you overtook Eyebrow Man. Alonso.
And the second one, you put one on Massa, didn't you?
-I think it was. Massa and Kimi. -Was Kimi drunk?
I don't know. I should've asked him, because he was really on the left.
This was Malaysia and he was just on the left and probably didn't imagine
I would out-brake him at the inside.
Singing Sham 69 songs.
We're going down the pub...
Hurry up, Harry. Oi! Who was that? That new boy's gone past.
We've just been watching Richard Hammond making a complete clot of himself
in a Formula 1 car. Are these things hard to drive?
They are. Very, very hard. When you're doing 150...
180 miles an hour and you're through a corner and you hit a bump,
you try to correct it and it will shoot you off.
Are you fearless? I think you've already said,
if you're going to die on the track, so be it... kind of attitude.
Well, I don't... I'm not looking to waste my life.
But I've never had the problem of being scared.
You never, ever think, "What if a wheel comes off now?"
-No. I've had that problem this year. -Well, quite.
It is actually quite exciting when you're flying head-first into a barrier.
The initial part is actually quite...
Especially when you hit the ground and get some air.
But you see it coming and think, "It's gonna hurt."
You do actually at the moment think it's gonna hurt?
I had a really good one this year at the beginning of the season.
The team worked hard to get two new cars out for the first test
and I shunted it, so, 180 miles an hour backwards into a wall.
I remember going over the gravel backwards thinking,
this is gonna hurt and just bracing myself and I put my head back
and it was actually quite a nice shunt.
Why don't you just watch Die Hard 4? That's exciting.
Who do you want to be your team-mate next year? Somebody useless, presumably.
-Do you want a job? -No, I can't fit in...
I would, but I can't fit...
It'd be embarrassing.
That first race, you'd be, "Oh, the fat bloke's gonna be useless."
And history would repeat... I'd come flying past you, screaming.
But do you want someone...? Everybody presumably wants somebody crap.
No. Honestly, this year, having someone to push me all the way was wicked.
-And I learned so much... -Fernando?
He's a bloody good driver.
I could have him. I did once, on the Oxford ring road.
He was doing, like, 80, I came past about 85. No!
65... I was doing 70... Hasn't worked, has it?
No. With your driving now,
obviously, your dad's been very much a part of the build-up of your career.
Does he still tell you how to drive, like all dads do?
Yeah, if we're on the road, he truly believes he's a better driver than me.
And if he... If he'd had the opportunity, he'd be in Formula 1.
Have you got a Mercedes... one of those CLs?
No. I drive a GL 500.
-Sorry, a GL 420. -Why didn't you get...? What?
It's a diesel.
-It's a pimp wagon, you know... -It's the fuel of Satan, man.
You can fit 24-inch rims on it and just lean back and drive, man.
That's what you need on the road.
What are you saying about yourself?
Now, there's one thing we've noticed... Martin Brundle...
We've noticed that every time you don't do so well in a race,
-Brundle has talked to you... -Talked to me, yeah.
-Have you noticed that? -I have.
I think he's bitter. I think he's undoing things on your car.
That's what's going on.
Hit him.
No, I mean...
Who'd win a fist fight of all the British drivers?
Well, I used to do boxing and karate as well.
-You're black belt, aren't you? -Yeah. I'm more into defending myself.
You wouldn't want to hit Coulthard with that...
You'd break your wrist, break your hand. And he doesn't like to...
And the stubble as well. Oh, now! You know when you look at a Formula 1 car,
obviously every gram that you can save, you save.
-There's just no excess fat on it. -Yeah.
How come Jenson Button's allowed to have a beard?
But seriously, 'cause that's got to weigh...
all the effort the designer makes and then he turns up with all that face fungus.
You haven't started shaving yet, so you won't know.
-I've got a little bit growing. -Really?
Have you got pubes yet?
No, honestly, they grow. It's ugly.
Anyway, obviously, we now have to arrive at this point.
Yeah.
These are the Formula 1 people who have been here before.
Obviously, the Stig heads the board. 1.44.4. Mansell.
Jenson Button. D Hill.
And then Mark Webber was the only one who came here when it was wet.
-I believe it's wet out there. -It's very slippy.
As you said someone came along and put some oil on the track.
-Was it Mark? -Well, seriously, earlier today,
we had the Vauxhall VXR8 going round, which is Australian
and the only person you're really racing is Mark Webber, who is Australian.
Now, I'm not suggesting he came down
and undid the diff on the Vauxhall, but it was spewing oil over the track.
You've got oil and water out there.
So, that's the time you're aiming for, 1.47.1.
I'm a bit nervous about this, 'cause I had some fun out there,
but I'm not here to compete. Let's see what goes on.
-Yeah, right. -Honestly!
-I'm here to have fun. -Who'd like to see the lap?
-Yes! -Play the tape. Here we go.
Oh, that's an aggressive start.
Spin into second gear.
Let's keep going.
Let's have a look, whether you're using the Stig's line or...
That's where the Stig says you should go.
All the other F1 drivers go out wide.
That wasn't too bad.
I'd give it eight out of ten.
Round into Chicago...
Sideways on the way in, that was very nice.
And super tight round there.
Come on, man!
56 miles an hour! What the...?
56 is quick. Now, this is where everyone...
Oh, that was quite slow and tidy. I was expecting more flamboyance.
Get the grip.
This thing will put Formula 1 cars to shame.
It won't! It won't! It won't. There we are across...
Oh, you've gone for the slippery inside bit there and...
Are you taking this seriously?
I've never seen anyone so lackadaisical!
Whoa! That was... lackadaisical but sideways.
Coming up to Gambon now
and that's pretty... flamboyant. And there we are.
Across the line.
So...
Quicker or slower?
What do you think?
Quicker!
Mark's a quick guy.
Okay, you did it...
Not competitive.
One minute...
And bearing in mind, this is on a track covered in water and oil!
44.7.
No! I cannot believe it.
And that's wet and oil.