It's a common problem and something that we as parents get to deal with all the
time. How do you help kids with ADHD? You want to take that on Vicki? -Let's do it.
-ADHD has been... Uh, kind of over diagnosed. -Yeah. -Quite honestly. There are some
problems with that. So let's acknowledge that right up front. Sometimes, kids who
are active but not necessarily ADHD, which stands for attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder. By the way, it's actually an official diagnosis. But kids
who tend to be active and energetic sometimes get labeled as ADHD by parents
or teachers or other people who would love to have them just calm down and sit
quietly which kids don't do very well. -It's not in their nature all the time.
-Right. Because of who they are. And so it gets over diagnosed sometimes. -Can I just
say one thing too? It does get I over diagnosed. Be aware of using a diagnosis
as an adjective in any type of diagnosis as an adjective to describe a child. It
is kind of offensive to those who actually have the diagnosis. And it is a
real problem. We do want to talk about it because it is a real problem. And it
doesn't mean anything about the child or the parenting. It just is a kind of a
description of some of the challenges that child is facing and how we have to
meet them. In fact, in psychology, the diagnosis for ADHD is behavioral. -Mm-hmm.
-In other words, if they do these things, that they do these things and they're
certain criteria that are set up, there's no blood test right for ADHD. There are
medications that are often used and sometimes we can tell "Yes, we're on the
right track" when the medication actually helps. Because typically we treat
children (medically speaking) with stimulants. Why would you give a
hyperactive kid stimulants? -Because it works. -And if it works, that's diagnostic.
-Right. -I think... This is my opinion. I think that it's because of
a certain part of the brain that's in charge of regulating your behavior that
kind of gets lazy. And that stimulant wakes that part of the brain up so that
then you're able to better monitor and control your behavior. But the fact that
it is a behavior diagnosis... Basically a diagnosis of the behavior. Let's talk
about some things we can do to help deal with this child with ADHD. -Right. And even
if they're not officially diagnosed, I think that these principles will be
helpful if you've got a child who's extra energetic or active. -Uh-huh. And
I've had some of those of my own and I work with a lot of children with this
just abundance of energy and spirit. So, let's talk about some things that we can
do to help them. Because remember, our main goal is to help this child be
successful, right? And they feel it when they're out of control or when they're
being different. So, let's talk about some things that we can do to help them.
-Starting with the philosophical foundation for that. What is it what they
were trying to help them to do? To regulate their own behavior. -Mm-hmm. -In a
better way. With that in mind, let's give them a task. -A lot of times we see this
behavior. This active, active behavior when they're trying to focus on a task.
So, let's talk about the task. -This could be any task, really. It could be to clean
their room, it could be that... -The table. -Home works, at the table. Treat their siblings
with respect. Whatever the task is, it has to be something that they can handle.
-Okay. -How can you tell if your child can handle a task? -Well, now that's I want to
back up just a minute on that. Because a lot of the time a child with ADHD hasn't
handled the task. That's the problem. But that doesn't mean that
they can't. -Yes. -So, one of the big tricks that you're going to want to do with a
child with ADHD is you're going to break it down into smaller, smaller tasks. The
biggest thing is most children with ADHD are a lot of hyperactivity or energy.
They here the first thing that you say in a 3-part step and they never
hear the other 2. They have no idea that after you pick up your bedroom, you
were supposed to get your shoes and socks and meet me by the door to go... -Or
they only hear the last one and they make you... -Without ever
having done. So, you want to break it up into steps that they can handle. Now, I'm
going to give you another tip that is really helpful for kids with ADHD and
can be helpful for all kids especially young. They will brush their teeth and
then the towel is not hung up. It's thrown on the ground. Or they don't comb
their hair or whatever. So, if you have a picture list of the things that they
need to do and you help them remember or learn to refer back. So, when the child
comes out and they've brushed their teeth but the towel is on the floor in
the bathroom, you're going to go back to the list and you have a little picture
of the teeth being brushed and the towel being hung up. And say, "Okay, which part
did you do? Alright you did this one. Okay this is your next step. What's going to
happen next?" The advantage to doing this is a child with ADHD, when they get into
say junior high. There is no one kind of holding their hand. In elementary school,
a lot of the times the teachers will kind of come back and refer and remind
them what the steps are. If you can teach them this life skill of referring back
to a list, it can help them for the rest of their lives. Maybe math they have to
write down the steps that it takes to solve an algebraic equation. Now, Vicki.
You mentioned a picture list for younger children or children who don't have the
reading skills, it could easily be a written for an older child or
someone who has that academic ability. And folks, this is coming from someone
who has worked in special education now for a couple of decades. And Vicki has
seen this work with kids so many times. So, we give them a task in clear simple
steps that they can refer back to some kind of a physical list. Part of the
problem with ADHD is that it's not being organized well up here. -Right. -So the life
skill that we're teaching them is to use some tool outside of their own mind. This
is good for you too by the way as parent. Because you gotta track way too many
things to carry in your all of the time. So, having a system that
you can trust is a great life skill. Now, after you give them a task that they can
handle, you're going to back off. Typically with ADHD, kids especially,
they're just waiting for some... -Sixth nagging. -Right. Some external
reason to do what they were going to do. And they're relying on someone else to
track it and to regulate it. If you're willing to do that as a parent, they're
going to defer to you all day long. That's easier for me if you're going to
worry about it. So, we back off, no reminders. Actually we call it reminding.
You hit the wording. -Nagging. -A little more accurately. That's what they see it.
-Although I will add one caveat. Sometimes the reminder you might give is
"Did you look at your list?" Rather than "did you pick up the towel?" Go back to "Did
you look at your list?" And the reason I say that is it really is a life skill
you're trying to teach them. Remember, what is our main goal? Is our main goal
to have a clean house or is our main goal to teach our child to be successful?
And if they are dealing with ADHD, we need to teach them how to be successful
with ADHD. And there are lots of people that are because of their ADHD, it gives
them in this creative power and energy. So, let's teach them how to go back to
the list. -Even with the diagnosis, they can be enormously successful if they
learn to tap into their resources. -Mm-hmm. So, let's go to the next step
which is to let the consequences do the teaching. -Yeah. -Instead of bailing them
out. Which we may be you're likely to do. In fact, there's the old 3 R's of
parenting. Do you remember those? Where we bottomed out and we bail them out. And
that teaches them nothing other than, "Oh, I just have to put up with a little bit
of noise and everything you'll be taken care of for me." -Yeah. -So, instead of that
we're going to back off from the nagging, the reminding, the harping on them which
isn't helping at the end of the day. Refer them back to their tools and then
we let the consequences do the teaching/ So, let's say they don't complete their
list. But it was required for them to complete
their list before they could have access to their video games. -Mm-hmm. -And there's
going to be true disappointment. -Yes. -Where they don't get the thing that they
were working for. Remember, let the consequence t do the teaching and you
show up as a very compassionate empathetic parent. -Yes. Let empathy be
your response rather than anger. heck it out.
Sometimes we don't go to the empathy because we're so busy being angry that
they didn't do what they were supposed to do. Let them feel the consequence for
their choice. If you're going to anger, it's probably because you're about to
bail them out of the consequence. Allow your kind, benevolent soul to connect
with them in an empathic way. Something that allows you to show them that you
understand and care how they feel but you're not going to bail them out of the
consequence because that's what's going to do the teaching. Remember that what
we're trying to do here is train their little brain to start regulating their
own behavior. And you already know how you've learned your biggest lessons in
life. Oh, your mistakes. -And then repetition, again. -Vicki hasn't made that
many mistakes. For me, I know. It's my mistakes. Why?
Because there's a cost. Don't rob them of the cost and then give them the same
task again. -You want to give them a chance to be successful. Now, I am warning
you with a child with true ADHD, this might take multiple times again. And you
might have to shorten the list so they can have that success. Maybe you need to
take that 5-step list down to 3 so that they have a success. And then add
a fourth and not a fifth. But give them the same task again. You know they can do
it. You know they can do it. So let's give them a chance. -This communicates
something very powerful to them. It says to them in a very powerful way. "I trust
you to learn from your experience." If you bail them out, it teaches them a very
different thing. "Oh, apparently I have to do the thinking for you." It's not what
we wanted to learn. See, we're going to engage their mind to start regulating
their own behavior. "I trust you to learn from your experience. Here, let's try it
again." -Thanks for joining us. We hope you found
something that will help you with your children. Please connect with us on
Instagram, Facebook at parentingpowerup.com. -We're honored to be on
your parenting team.