You turned this corner now. We've had some good conversation.
How you guys feeling now in comparison to where you were when, when we started?
On my end, I think like you're just leaving a lot of, like, stones turn.
We knew there were issues, so we were like, "Let's just keep the stones down,"
and so we ain't got to see it, we ain't got to clean it up.
-Right. -Know what I'm saying? So now,
we have been having really difficult
conversations to get in to a point of clarity.
Because, yes, it's been rough with me.
That's tough, bro.
I came wanting to marry LaRhonda but I was like, "Not yet."
And now, even though it might look good,
we have been operating in, um, more toxicity than we thought.
So now, we're like "Okay. Since we can see it,
let's go ahead and address and fix it."
So being in these sessions with Dr. Nicole has been difficult
especially, when you have to look in the mirror, and say, "Okay.
These are some real things I need to change."
I definitely want to identify things within myself.
Um, before, you know, we jump into marriage.
In my relationship, I am open with my feelings.
I do put everything on the table.
and there's times that she feels like I'm sucking
the life out of the relationship
from being too open or too emotional
and I don't know how to deal with that.
That's why relationships are for grown folk.
-[laughs heartily] -Like, for real.
'Cause you have to manage yourself first.
As men, you bring so many solutions to your relationship.
And you also will shift the temperature to cool or super-hot
by what you do and what you say.
You get to decide how you wanna manage
your interactions with other people.
But being defensive or pointing the finger
-or attacking the other person... -Right.
...diminishes the relationship, too. So it's a balance.
But how many times can we kinda-- our women being vulnerable
-before she says, "Man up." -Yeah.
"You ain't supposed to be this way. Why are you this way?"
If your woman says to you, "Man up."
That's not appropriate.
-Right. -Hmm.
And often if that's said,
it's usually 'cause there's something she's feeling.
-Yeah. -So once you check yourself and you say,
"I'm being fully man in this situation,
but I've got some feelings,
and it's okay to be fully man, fully masculine
and acknowledge my feelings
and I'm gonna give you a minute to recognize that and not judge me
as something that's inappropriate,
and let's get back to it."
Me and Jessica, when we do have disagreements,
and what it's usually about
is probably because of me and my attitude.
I could be more gentle and compassionate towards her, her feelings.
But I hope that Jessica sees that I'm willing to compromise with her,
that I'm willing to go those extra steps
to make sure we have a healthy relationship.
[Dr. Nicole] There's a bias to it, especially in our community.
Boys are taught
-really early... -Yeah.
-too not feel... -[men] Yeah.
...which is asinine...
-Mm-hmm. -...because
-if I pinch you, you will feel that. -It's gonna hurt.
But what boys in our community are taught, "You didn't feel that."
And they're like, "I did." "You didn't feel that."
-Your situation. -Yeah.
So when you now get into these relationships,
it's like, "Yo."
Because you still feel stuff you've been taught...
-To be tough. -...that you don't have
permission to feel what you feel.
So, a lot of times what men do is they sabotage
'cause they feel what they feel but they don't know what to do with it...
Right.
because they just don't know how to say, "You know, that was rough.
God forbid, that hurt my feelings."
See, in my situation, things have surfaced since this experience.
Uh-huh.
Things I didn't know that bothered her
and now that I know, we can fix it now.
You know, you all started this process in one place.
-Where are you now? -My thing is,
she mentioned that if I don't get engaged to her
at the end of this experience,
she is cutting us off completely.
We spent 14 years together.
I feel like it's unfair for you to just say,
"It's over with. Throw away them whole 14."
I feel like we should still continue fixing it,
like don't let what we fixed so far with Dr. Nicole go in vain
because you didn't get a ring.
I don't think that's fair and I need you to help me to understand,
so I can feel better about getting engaged with her,
even though a lot of things aren't fixed.
I don't know that I can make you feel better about that,
because I think you came into the process
and your biggest anchor was, "I don't want to be pressured."
-Right. -And what's interesting is,
you all have been together for a long time, off and on,
so wherever you decided in your mind
that continuing to stay here is gonna get you there,
it's not even logical anymore.
-But it's what you've anchored onto... -Right.
...that let's just keep doing this.
And she has the right to say,
"I don't wanna do this anymore.
-"I'm ready to do this." -Hmm.
That trip that Dr. Nicole spoke about...
We were content being on that trip there.
I have a lot of work to do when it comes to me and Lex.
I've been wasting Lex's time.
It's no more, "We're just stuck."
But we need to figure out,
do we have what it takes to build a life together in marriage?"
Or, is the reason that we're stuck
is because this is not it?