(briefcase slams)
- Plop down the goofsters!
I'm Mr. Grubb and I'm here to talk to you
about sexual intercourse.
If you try to have sex
without following my explicit instructions,
you will die.
I don't mean explicit in a weird way.
Not trying to get fired today.
Sex is like riding a rollercoaster,
seems fun at first,
but if you're not tall enough, you will lose a head.
Which one is up to you.
- [Blonde Woman] (giggles quietly)
There's no joking about this one.
Consent is key!
If you do not get an enthusiastic "yes"
you are out of there.
For example, may I continue giving you sexual education?
- No.
- Forgot my aubergine.
- What?
- See this?
- [Man In Green Shirt] It's an eggplant.
- Average.
- Your penis can break.
Swacca! Right into the sky.
- (giggles)
- Communication is key!
That's why I always show up
and say, "Does she know, I'm not like those other boys.
I'm (beep) crazy!"
You want a vaporous mist to seep from your nethers
pulling you ever closer to being the heir
to the emerald throne?
Use protection!
- What is that even from, man? What book is it?
- It's from below.
- [Man In Green Shirt] From below?
- It's from below.
There's no "me" in urethra.
- (laughs loudly)
- If a potential sex-having partner seems into you,
you gotta run.
Because I'll tell you what,
that's no partner, that's a succubus.
And they're trying to steal your soul from your genital.
You gotta protect your genital.
I must return with another prop.
Now, this right here represents a vagina.
Except, a real vagina, way bigger.
When eating, this is not a vagina. This a donut.
However, when I'm not eating it, it's a vagina.
- But, never eat vagina.
- What are you, Batman?
- [Man In Green Shirt] (laughs hysterically)
- Some of you will not be in heteronormative relationships.
I think that's fantastic.
However, I do not have the skills or knowledge
to really understand what goes on.
So, you know, just...
Now, pretend this is representative of a penis.
A penis and a banana have a lot in common.
They are both yellow and they both change colors
when exposed to the open air.
Wear a condom, keep it in your pants,
don't do the horizontal dance.
- (giggles)
- Now say for instance,
you've got what the kids are calling BDE,
big dick-is energy.
- [Man In Green Shirt] Oh. It's green.
- This is average.
- [Blonde Woman] (groans) Oh, my god.
- There you go. No babies. Safe.
This is why condoms are not safe.
Cause even if you get to this stage, pew!
Falls off for like no reason.
I know the question on everybody's mind.
Uh, but Mr. Grubb. Uh, but Mr. Grubb,
what's chlamydia feel like? This.
(blender whirring)
What a shame. What a shame.
How about genital warts?
(blender whirring)
How you feel about making them bab-oes now?
Now, as you increase your amount of sexual partners,
the danger increases as well.
(blender whirring)
Uh oh, my average sized wiener has a colossal gash.
- (laughs)
- Now, I know what you all are thinking.
Oh, what if I don't have penetrative sex?
What if I just have a little bit of humping?
Watch what humping can do.
(briefcase slams)
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Humpty Dumpty's wiener fell clean off.
Now, I wanna make it clear.
There is a condom for every body type.
Say, for instance, your wiener looks like this.
And there we go. Some solid protection.
You're not offending the lord if you ain't really touching.
I'm allergic to latex.
- Are you gonna be okay?
- No.
Sorry, I was the wiener strangling killer.
Surprise! I'm a serial killer.
That will happen if you have sex.
This right here is an unbreakable gate
with only a single lock.
You know the password? I do.
Have you been saved?
This is about average sized. There we go.
Draw!
- What the (beep)?
- You just got dicked.
- (laughs loudly) What?
(beep)
- Oh, there's so many cuts. You're gonna be totally fine--
(poster slams)
Uh oh, (beep).
(people laughing)
(beep)
I have the high ground.
(silly music)
(people laughing)
(beep)
What's gonorrhea gonna feel like?
Fix that.
- (laughs) What?
- Gono-rena.
- You must enter the gono-rena.