By the end of this video,
I'm going to give you seven things that happen
when a narcissist realizes that you refuse to be controlled.
So, stay tuned.
Hey, there, I'm Rebecca Zung.
I am an attorney, I'm also a narcissist negotiation expert and
I've written two best-selling books,
“Negotiate like you M.A.T.T.E.R” and
“Breaking Free, a step-by- step divorce guide” and
I've helped millions of people through this channel and
thousands of people through my law practice
shift the dynamic against narcissist and
I want to help you too.
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So, what happens when a narcissist realizes you refuse to be controlled?
Well, first of all, narcissists need control
because it protects their identities and their fragile egos.
They are underneath very actually afraid of you,
they're actually more afraid of you than you are of them and
I say that all the time and
I think a lot of people don't believe me,
but that's true, all that stuff that they layer on, is actually just a show.
I often say it's sort of like the Wizard of Oz,
you know how the Wizard of Oz built that whole Emerald City,
he did all of that because he was hiding that feeble, scared, little man
that was behind the curtain,
that's what the narcissist is.
They actually have very low self-esteem, very fragile self
that they're hiding and they're manipulating others and
they use tactics such as gaslighting, guilt, shame and
all of those things,
because they're trying to control their outcome,
desperately trying to control the circumstances around them,
because they're actually very, very scared people.
People who are sure of themselves, people who are confident,
they're not desperate to try to control things,
it's only very fearful people who are desperate to try to control,
so, knowing what narcissists are doing
to try to control their victims, or their target,
will actually help you feel more educated and
I'll actually help you understand what's going on and
it will actually help you to be more prepared and
anticipate what's going to happen.
That's part of my S.L.A.Y methodology, by the way,
which is strategy, leverage, anticipate what's going to happen and
then, you can focus on you, your position and be ready.
So, anticipate is the A and
once you understand what's happening,
you can anticipate what's going to happen.
So, understanding it will actually help you.
So, understand they are actually very ashamed people,
that have a lot of shame.
I mean, you think you might have shame,
Brené Brown talks about shame,
they have more shame than anyone else,
I mean, they are shame personified,
they're like one big shame donut.
So, they use control and manipulation,
as a way to try to keep their kingdom intact and
you notice they build a kingdom around them and
they don't really stray from that too much.
So, they do know exactly what they're doing and
they are aware in some ways of their toxic behavior and
you know that they're aware,
because they know how to behave in certain situations,
they know how to love bomb you,
to get you to do what they want at the beginning,
they are aware of that.
So, what happens when they realize you refuse to be controlled,
we're going to go through seven things.
I mean, because they have that narcissistic injury,
which is that fragile self that they have and
once that scab is picked at,
then that narcissistic rage is just beneath that surface and
that will come flying out and
that can come flying out in a couple of different ways.
For an overt narcissist,
you can see aggressive outbursts and
depending on how overt they are,
you can start to see stalking, or violence,
or even threats of violence, threats of stalking,
that sort of thing.
For a covert narcissist,
they might be a little bit more passive-aggressive,
they might make themselves into a victim,
but that narcissistic rage will start to creep up and
they start to be something different
than what you might have seen in the past.
The heat will start to turn up,
so that is the first thing that you'll see.
By the way, and I have mentioned this in past,
the birth of the smear campaign can start to happen
long before you start to perceive as the discard phase,
sometimes you see the three main phases of a narcissistic relationship;
it's the love-bombing, the devaluing and the discard and
I've often said this before as well,
is not linear, they do go back and forth between these phases and
when you are going to negotiate with the narcissist,
you have to understand that even in the negotiation phase,
they will still go back and forth between these phases,
because they will want to rely on using these phases
to see what will potentially work for them,
even with the love bomb, by the way,
don't confuse love bombing with true love,
but I do want to say,
you will see the birth of that smear campaign potentially happening
even before what you perceive the discard face to be.
They start embedding pieces of smearing
long before the break-up actually happens and
so they might have started lining up flying monkeys
or with their army of people,
by starting to say things against you and about you,
long before you realize there was even an issue,
because they realize,
hey, you might discard them eventually,
or they may want to discard you eventually,
so, they start getting people on their side and
so, they start saying things about you,
even long before and by the way,
the flying monkey may not even realize they're being recruited and
I think that that's an important piece,
that the flying monkey maybe is just being
love bombed by that narcissist too,
that wasn't necessarily clear to me at the beginning either,
they might just be oblivious to the whole situation too.
The other thing that I want,
that I think that is important for you to understand as well,
is that these phases are not necessarily
just in intimate relationships, or romantic relationships,
the narcissist uses these tactics and interacts the same way
whether it's a business relationship, a romantic relationship,
neighbors, friends, family, whoever it is,
they are the same,
they interact the same way regardless of who they are interacting with,
or the type of relationship it is and
what I mean, by the way,
when I say they start saying things about people
long before the discard phase,
they don't necessarily even say,
“Oh, that person is a bad person”,
they might actually even say it in a way
where the flying monkey might even think that
they're saying something in the spirit of caring.
So, they might say something like,
“Oh, I'm concerned for so and so,
because they had too much to drink last night”,
or “I'm concerned for so and so because of how they're behaving”,
or something like that,
where it makes it seem like they're worried about you,
but they’re really embedding a smear,
so, it seems like they're a good person.
So that's number two, it’s the smear campaign.
They may just ghost you,
they may just stop talking to you all together.
This is where it potentially could get violent.
I have seen situations, especially as an attorney,
especially what I call the malignant narcissist,
who have no care or concern at all
about potentially ruining your life.
So, stalk you, or even file motions,
or file things against you,
where they might just actually say things against you
that are completely false, fraudulent.
I have actually seen narcissists file things against people
that are just absolutely heinous and horrible,
accuse people of child molestation,
or something like that.
But, stalking you, saying things against you,
that sort of thing.
So, this is where a totally malignant narcissist
might just completely try to control the target
by just pull out, doing whatever they want to,
to try to show their target, or show their victim,
that they'll do whatever they need to,
to ruin the other person's life completely.
So, that is number four.
So, this is where the narcissist might just go public
with whatever they know about the other person
by saying things about them,
such as intimate details about the person’s sex life maybe,
or intimate details about maybe their gambling habits,
or things about them that should they be made public,
it would definitely be very embarrassing for the other person,
or could be very damaging for the other person,
certainly things about that other person,
that the other person would not want other people to know and
what's interesting about this, from a narcissistic point of view,
is sometimes I have seen where
it's actually potentially damaging for the narcissist as well.
In other words, I have seen, wives for example,
where they will be very hot to get this information out there
about where it could potentially ruin the husband,
but then, that means they will not get alimony,
or something if they would have normally gotten,
but they don't even care, because it'll ruin the spouse,
but yet, that means that person will get fired,
or that nobody will want to hire that person anymore,
because it will ruin them in that community,
but they don't even care,
like, it will actually hurt them too,
it's their own undoing as well,
but they don't think it through,
they don't think it all the way through
when they go through with this whole public humiliation.
That is where they just will lie and deny,
about anything and everything and
that's something that narcissists do anyway and
but they'll continue to do it and
they'll escalate their lying and denying and
they will do that all the way through,
especially when they realize that you refuse to be controlled.
This is even more so when they realize you refuse to be controlled,
because they will want to try to catch you,
they will want to try to get you,
it’s sort of like what I say, how I often say,
that dealing with a narcissist is like getting arrested,
anything you do, say or try will be used against you,
but they will definitely want to try to do that even more so
in these situations because they want to try to get you.
It's not only that they're getting narcissistic supply from it,
but they want to use something against you.
So, definitely you want to go gray rock with this,
do not give them that narcissistic supply and
do not give them anything,
because, remember, anything you put your hand to,
is a potential trial exhibit.
So, just shut that down.
By the way, I do have a video on YouTube on going gray rock,
definitely check that out.
And make sure you put that in the comments, “Shut them down”.
If you are getting ready to deal with a narcissist,
make sure you grab my free “Crush my negotiation” prep worksheet,
at winmynegotiation.com.
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As always, today is a great day to start negotiating your best life,
don't do this alone,
never think that you're alone because you are not.
There are literally millions of you guys out there,
who are dealing with narcissists,
I'm here to help you,
I'm on a mission here to make sure
all of you guys are seen, heard, and know that you matter.
Never give in, never give up, and remember, Namaslay.