[ Theme song plays ]
♪♪
-Hey, everybody.
That was Fred Armisen and The 8G Band.
So many thanks to Syd Butler, Seth Jabour, Eli Janney,
and Marnie Stern who are all in their own homes,
but figured out a way to play the theme song for us.
This is our second day of doing remote shows.
We're working out the kinks, you guys.
We can appreciate that the sound and video
can be a little bit better,
and we are taking steps to improve that.
Also, lighting, too, but that -- we got to fix that light.
That's the sun, see?
I can't lean in.
So I'm back here.
Also, shout out to YouTubers who have been doing this
for a long time and making us feel like real dopes this week.
[ Chuckles ] I tip my hat.
So, anyways, we're going to have "A Closer Look"
for you tomorrow, but we wanted to do more
of our other favorite things on the show.
And here's the premise, you guys --
We do a lot of jokes on our show that due to having a diverse
writing staff, some of them don't sound
right coming from me, a straight white man.
We decided that we should still tell you some of those jokes,
which brings us to a segment we call,
"Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
♪♪
Hey, everybody. These are two of our writers.
-I'm black. -And I'm gay.
-And we're both women. -And I'm not.
So here's how it works.
I'm gonna read the setups to these jokes,
and Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines.
All right, everybody. Are you ready?
Here we go.
First setup, the footwear company Crocs
is working with the makers of marshmallow
Peeps to release clogs in pastel colors.
-Said lesbians, "You had me at clogs,
but you lost me at pastel."
-There you go. That's how this works.
Moving on, the Smithsonian Channel
recently released a documentary called,
"Black in Space" about the first black astronaut.
-Said the astronaut, "I did it.
I finally got away from all these white people."
Hey, Seth, you know, a black astronaut
is just like a white astronaut, except his boots are spotless.
-All right. I will take your word for it.
Moving on, the cosmetics chain Sephora
will open 100 new stores.
-"That's where I buy my makeup," said lesbians about Walgreens.
-All right.
And that's good news for lesbians,
'cause Walgreens is probably still open during the pandemic.
-Probably one of the few places.
-Hey, Jenny, what does it look like when lesbians wear makeup?
-Looks kind of like this. -Oh, are you pointing at me?
-No. No. -It looks like this.
-All right. All right. I'm moving on now.
So far in the Democratic primary,
former Vice President Joe Biden
has won 86% of the African-American vote.
-That's right. Black people have given Joe Biden
a resounding [sigh]
Okay.
-Hey, Amber, how are you gonna vote on election day?
-The same way all black people vote --
I'm gonna call in sick,
drive 50 miles to my nearest polling place,
have a lady tell me my name is not on the list,
insist that it is, show her my voter registration card,
shut her up, stand in line for seven hours,
and then vote for someone who may or may not
keep their promises to black people.
That's democracy!
-That was beautiful, Amber. That was really beautiful.
-Thank you. So am I.
-An animal rescue group in South Carolina
is seeking volunteers to cuddle with 100 pigs.
-"I love cuddling with pigs," said straight women.
-[ Gasps ] Jenny! How dare you!
My husband is a pig! -[ Chuckles ]
-He's one of the good ones.
-Hey, um, let's let people behind the scenes for a minute
for "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
Do you guys want to explain what we call it
when there is a volley of dialogue after the jokes?
-Amber, I think you should say it.
-You think? Well, we have the regular jokes,
and then anything we say in between,
we call them the black and forths.
-The black and forths. The black and forths.
-All right, let's move on to another joke.
The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was pulled over by police recently.
-They figured a wiener that big had to be black.
-Amber!
-You know what the police said when they saw him?
Look out, he's got a bun!
-Okay, that one, that was the dumbest part of this.
Hey, a right-wing radio host last week blamed gay people
for San Francisco's coronavirus shutdown.
-Officials are calling it not the worst thing
gay people have been blamed for.
-Yep. That one's very true.
According to a new report, more Americans
are watching the adult website PornHub
as they practice social distancing.
-So, please, wash your hands.
-[ Chuckles ]
Gwyneth Paltrow's website is selling a candle
that she claims smells like her vagina.
-Said a lesbian coming home to her wife,
[ Sniffing ] "Are you cheating on me?"
-[ Laughs ]
I do want to note that some of these
are playing exactly as well as they would with an audience.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, here's one.
Everybody's gonna like this one. -Oh, yeah.
-Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh
has made the court's cafeteria add pizza to the menu,
which has been described as "just below Pizza Hut,
and just above the average gas station offering."
-Well, you know what they say -- pizza is like sex.
Even when it's bad, Brett Kavanaugh
will still try to force it on you.
-[ Chuckles ]
-Hey, Seth, why don't you tell one?
-Oh, I don't know, guys.
-Come on, Seth, just one.
-I feel like it's not gonna end well.
-Do it! Do it! -Okay, okay, I trust you guys.
You wouldn't lie to me during a pandemic.
The Cheesecake Factory is coming out
with a new ice cream flavor made with their cheesecake.
So if you want cheesecake and you want ice cream,
you're probably on your period.
-[ Gasps ] Seth! -[ Whimpering ]
I'll do another one. -Okay.
-A man in Massachusetts was arrested after meeting
a woman on a dating app
and then forcing her to drive the getaway car
after he robbed a bank on their first date.
But she's over 30, so she's gonna try to make it work.
-How dare you?!
-You both told me that it would be okay!
-You should be ashamed of yourself.
-I am not ashamed of myself,
but I tell you one thing that I know to be true --
Black women and lesbians are liars!
♪♪
Hey, guys, give it up for Amber and Jenny.
Give it up for all of our staff
who are making this all work remotely.
And thank you so much for being patient with us
as we work out the kinks.
And, yeah, we will see you tomorrow
with another "A Closer Look." Thank you all for watching.