HEY, WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, PLEASE V A SEAT.
TOO KIND, TOO KIND.
WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THAT'S ME, THAT'S ME.
>> Jon: THAT'S HIM.
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS ARE A CHEAP DATE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WATCHED THE TV THIS AFTERNOON BUT PRESIDENT
OBAMA HELD HIS LAST PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY.
HE TALKED ABOUT THE COMPLEXITIES OF PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST,
UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, JOB CREATION.
PRETTY BORING STUFF.
AND MAN, I AM GOING TO MISS BEING BORED.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AT ONE POINT-- NOT GOING TO BE BORING.
IT'S GOING TO BE EXCITING.
AT ONE POINT HE DID HAVE SOME STRONG WORDS FOR RUSSIA.
>> I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT JUST TO REMEMBER THAT THE REASON
SANCTIONS HAVE BEEN PUT IN PLACE AGAINST RUSSIA HAS TO DO WITH
THEIR ACTIONS IN UKRAINE.
AND IT IS IMPORTANT FOR THE UNITED STATES TO STAND UP FOR
THE BASIC PRINCIPLE THAT BIG COUNTRIES DON'T GO AROUND AND
INVADE AND BULLY SMALLER COUNTRIES.
>> Stephen: WELL SAID, BIG COUNTRIES DON'T INVADE SMALLER
COUNTRIES FOR TWO MORE DAYS.
AFTER THAT, TRUMP AND PUTIN ARE GOING TO FLIP A COIN TOñr SEE
WITHOUT GETS DENMARK.
(LAUGHTER) THERE WAS AN INSPIRING MOMENT, I
REALLY LIKE 24-D ONE.
THE FIRST NONWHITE MALE PRESIDENT EXPRESSED HIS BELIEF
THAT HE WILL NOT BE OUR LAST.
>> WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A WOMAN PRESIDENT, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A
LATINA PRESIDENT, A JEWISH PRESIDENT, A HINDU PRESIDENT.
WHO KNOWS WHO WE ARE GOING TO HAVE.
I SUSPECT WE'LL HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH OF MIXED UP PRESIDENTS AT
SOME POINT THAT NOBODY REALLY KNOWS WHAT TO CALL HIM 6789
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: YEAH.
YEAH.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jon: A WHOLE MIXED BAG.
A MIXED BAG.
>> Stephen: NO, THAT'S A HOPEFUL FEELING AM BUT I HAVE A
FEELING WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A MIXED UP PRESIDENT IN ABOUT 36
HOURS.
BUT I DO HAVE SOME IDEAS OF WHAT TO CALL HIM.
AND BARACK OBAMA ENDED THE ENTIRE PRESS CONFERENCE WITH A
MESSAGE OF HOPE.
>> AND MY CORPS,-- AT MYçó CORE THINK WE'RE GOING TO BE OKAY
WELCH HAVE TO FIGHT FOR IT.
WE HAVE TO WORK FOR IT AND NOT TAKE IT FOR GRANTED.
AND I THINK YOU WILL HELP US DO THAT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, PRESS CORPS, GOOD LUCK.
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK.
SEEIA, WOULDN'T WANT BE TO YA.
BYE BYE.
I'M OUTTA HERE.
I'LL SEE YA.
THERE HE GOES.
SUCKS TO BE YOU.
BYE BYE.
(LAUGHTER) SHOOT.
BEFORE HE LEFT HE DID STUN EVERYBODY YESTERDAY BY COMMUTING
THE SEN TENSION OF CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT LEAKER CHELSEA MANNING.
THAT WAS WEIRD.
THAT REALLY SURPRISED ME.
CUZ I HEARD TRUMP WAS THE ONE WHO LOVED HUGE LEAKS.
NOW THE QUESTION IS-- REALLY, REALLY, REALLY?
TOO SOON?
TOO FRESH?
NOW THE QUESTION IS WILL WHISTLE-BLOWER EDWARD SNOWDEN
NOW GET A PARDON.
BECAUSE TODAY RUSSIA ANNOUNCED IT WAS EXTENDING HIS ASYLUM
AFTER THAT, OF COURSE, HE WILL FACE TRIAL UNDER U.S. PRESIDENT
VLADIMIR PUTIN.
MEANWHILE EVERY ONE ISñr GETTING READY FOR TRUMP'S INAUGURATION
INCLUDING, AND THIS REALLY SURxR&SED ME, DONALD TRUMP.
TODAY HE TWEETED OUT THIS PICTURE WITH THE CAPTION,
WRITING MY INAUGURAL ADDRESS AT THE WINTER WHITE HOUSE.
MAR-A-LAGO.
ARE WE SURE-- WE PUT THAT BACK UP.
ARE WE SURE IT'S MAR-A-LAGO.
BECAUSE IT REALLY JUST LOOKS LIKE HE MOVED HIS DESK INTO
SADDAM HUSSEIN'S BATHROOM.
BEAUTIFUL, GOLDEN TOILET.
GOLDEN TOILETS EVERYWHERE.
AMAZINGñr WORK.
AND THIS MORNING THE DONALD ELECT STAT DOWN FOR AN EXCLUSIVE
INTERVIEW ON FOX AND FRIENDS WHERE HE
INAUGURATION PRIORITIES.
>> WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU'RE GOING TO DO WHEN YOU WALK INTO
THE WHITEñr HOUSE?
>> WELL, I WANT TO GO TO WORK.
MONDAY IS REALLY THE DAY THAT WE START SIGNING AND WORKING AND
MAKING GREAT DEALS FOR THE COUNTRY.
TO POINT OUT, YOU'RE PRESIDENT FROM NOON ON FRIDAY.
OF COURSE, I CAN UNDERSTAND,çó FRIDAY'S GOING TO BE TOUGH
BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN HE GETS SWORN IN AND THEN SATURDAY AND
SUNDAY HE WILL BE GOOGLING STUFF PRESIDENTS DO.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Jon: CATCH UP ON THAT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S MYçó TRUMPÑi SURPRISE.ç
MEMBERS OF CONGRESS WHOçó TURNS OUT ARE BOYCOTTING HIS
INAUGURATION.
>> AS FAR AS OTHER PEOPLEçó NOTÑ GOING, THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE WE
NEED SEATS SO BADLY.
I HOPEÑi THEY GIVE ME THEIR TICKETS.
>> Stephen: WAIT, DID YOU JUST SAY YOU HOPE THEY GIVE YOU THEIR
TICKETS?
IS DONALD TRUMP SCALING TICKETS TO HIS OWN INAUGURATION?
ALL RIGHT, WHO NEEDS TWO.
WHO NEEDS TWO?
WHOçóÑi NEEDS TWO.Ñi I GOTÑiçó TWO, WITHñr ANÑi OBSTR
VIEWñr OF MELANIA.
WHO NEEDS THEM?
SMOKE, SMOKE, SMOKE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY HEñKi WOULD SAY THAT.
AND HE DOESN'T SEEM WORRIED A
INAUGURATION ISN'T GOING TO HAVE ANY CELEBRITIES.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE CELEBRITIES WHO ARE NOW PULLING OUT.
>> MANY OF THE CELEBRITIES THAT ARE SAYING THEY ARE NOT GOING,
THEY WERE NEVER INVITED.
I DON'T WANT THEÑiw3 CEL WANT THE PEOPLE.
AND WE HAVE THE BIGGEST CELEBRITIES IN THE WORLD
THE BIGGEST IN THExD WORLD.
>> I WON'T SAY THAT, AND PRESIDENT OBAMA.
>> Stephen:Ñi WOW!Ñi THEY GOT OBAMA.
OBAMA IS A HUGE CELEBRITY, PEOPLE LOVE THAT GUY.
I MEAN MORE AND MORE EACH DAY FOR SOME REASON.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
OBAMA.
(CHEERS ANDxD APPLAUSE) I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
WOW.
AND THEN TRUMP EVEN ADDRESSED THE, SHALL WE SAY LITTLE BIRD
IN THE ROOM.
>> WHAT ABOUT TWITTER.
ARE YOU GOING TO CONTINUE TO TBEET?
>> YEAH, LOOK.
I DON'T LIKE TWEETING.
HAVE I OTHER THINGS I COULD BE DOING.
BUT I GET VERY DISHONEST MEDIA, VERY DISHONEST PRESS.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THE MEDIA IS SO DISHONEST.
VERY DISHONEST PRESS.
THEY LIE ALL THE TIME.
FOR INSTANCE, JUST THIS MORNING ON FOX I SAW SOME ORANGE GUY SAY
THAT TRUMP DOESN'T LIKE TWEETING.
THAT IS FAKE NEWS.
THAT IS A LIE.
(APPLAUSE) THAT GUY, I DON'T KNOW WHO IT
WAS.
I DON'T KNOW WHO IT WAS BUT THAT GUY IS A LIAR.
>> Jon: SOMEBODY LYING.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF WHICH, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT ADDRESSED
THAT FAKE NEWS PROBLEM TOO.
>> IT'S ALL FAKE NEWS.
I CAN SAY SOMETHING ABOUT GEORGE WASHINGTON.
I CAN SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
>> Stephen: YEAH, PEOPLE MAKE UP FAKE NEWS ABOUT ABRAHAM
LINCOLN ALL THE TIME.
I MEAN FOR INSTANCE, THE MEDIA WANTS US ALL TO BELIEVE THAT HE
WON THE CIVIL WAR BUT I DON'T KNOW.
I SAW A LOT OF CONFEDERATE FLAGS AT THOSE TRUMP RALLIES.
I DON'T SEE HOW-- WHY WOULD THERE BE CONFEDERATE FLAGS.
FAKE, ALL FAKE.
AND GET READY FOR SOME MORE RALLIES, FOLKS.
BECAUSE WHILE WE'RE STILL TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION, HE HAS ALREADY DECIDED ON HIS SLOGAN FOR A
RE-ELECTION BID IN 2020.
NO!
NO SIR!
BAD TRUMP!
YOU DO NOT GET TO DO THAT YET.
WE JUST GOT DONE WITH THE LAST ELECTION.
YOU CAN'T START CAMPAIGNING FOR RE-ELECTION TWO DAYS BEFORE YOU
START THE JOB YOU CAMPAIGNED FOR.
ARE YOU READY FOR THE NEW SLOGAN?
IT'S KEEP AMERICA GREAT.
SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOUR LAST SLOGAN WAS MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN AND YOUR NEW
SLOGAN IS KEEP AMERICA GREAT.
AREN'T YOU SKIPPING OVER A PRETTY IMPORTANT MIDDLE STEP
THERE.
THE ONE WHERE YOU MAKE AMERICA GREAT?
IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE A RES RECIPE FOR FRIED CHICKEN WAS, BUY RAW
CHICKEN, WHO WANTS SECONDS.
OF COURSE-- HMMMM, HMMMM.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
>> Jon: THAT WAS NICE.
>> Stephen: I GOT TO SAY.
>> I'M ALL FOR CHICKEN.
>> Stephen: I WILL TAKE FRIED CHICKEN ANYWAY CAN I GET IT.
>> Jon: OH MAN.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE THE TRUMP PEOPLE WANT TO COVER ALL
THEIR BASES WITH THE NEW SLOGAN.
SO THEY TRADEMARKED A FEWÑi OTHE 2020 SLOGANS JUST IN CASE THE
NEXT FOUR YEARS DON'T GO AS PERFECTLY AS I'M SURE THEY WILL.
AND WE AT THE LATE SHOW HAVE MANAGED TO GET OUR HANDS ON
THESE SLOGANS.
OKAY, AGAIN, WHAT I HAVE IN MY HAND HERE, WHAT I HAVE HERE ARE
THE BACKUPÑi TRUMP SLOGANS, JUST IN CASE THEY NEED A DIFFERENT
SLOGAN.
AM I CLEAR ENOUGH WHAT THIS IS?
THIS IS DIFFERENT.
HERE WE GO.
OKAY.
FIRST ONE IS MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN AGAIN.
(LAUGHTER) I LIKE THIS ONE.
OKAY, THIS TIMEÑi WE REALLY ARE GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT
AGAIN, Iñr SWEAR.
THIS ONE MIGHT COME IN HANDY.
THOSE WOMEN ARE LIARS.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS ONE SAYS BECAUSE IT'S IN RUSSIAN.
I'M NOT SURE-- (LAUGHTER)
THIS ONE, I HOPE WE DON'T NEED THIS ONE HERE.
THE ATOMIC MONSTERS WEREN'T MY FAULT.
THOUGH I THINK THIS NEXT ONE HERE, I THINK THIS ONE MIGHTñr B
THE ONE THAT WE REALLY ARE GOING TO NEED IF FOUR YEARS.
MAKE AMERICA AGAIN.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
IDINA MENZEL IS HERE.
BUT FIRST I GET SOME THINGS OFF MY CHEST WITH MIDNIGHT
CONFESSIONS. STICK AROUND.