- [Narrator] Ever heard of the term toxic positivity?
Sounds oxymoronic, yet it's there, it happens,
and no, you're not being ungrateful.
These seemingly harmless phrases
probably come from a place of good intention,
but no matter how someone intends it,
they still tend to come off
as indifference or condescension.
Not only that, but they're also usually said,
when you're already feeling kind of crappy,
this is not good.
So whether you're worried about being the one saying it,
or you're wondering why you feel bad
about someone else saying these to you,
let's look at these seemingly harmless,
yet toxic phrases.
Number one, it's not the worst thing that can happen to you.
Wow, that stung,
this phrase carries the implication
that you're ungrateful or weak.
It indirectly adds shame and guilt
to the person who is already suffering.
Pain is subjective and relative to each person.
So comparing it or trying to top it
is not helpful in the least.
Even though what someone is going through
could seem minor to you,
that same issue could be a colossal obstacle
for someone else.
Number two, I told you so.
We all know it can be tempting
but we also know fully how painful it is
to deal with someone who's gloating over us
with I told you so,
especially when we've gone through the painful step
of admitting we're wrong
and are now going through the equally painful task
of righting that wrong.
No matter how much insistence there is
that the phrase is being said to educate for the future
or to show you care,
it only sends a message
that you can't be trusted or confided in,
as a mistake means humiliation and condescension.
Number three, it's nothing, don't worry about it.
Similar to the first phrase,
saying something is nothing is not helpful.
We understand that it's meant to give a wider perspective.
As in, in the grand scheme of things,
what has happened is not going to derail everything.
So you're okay and can move past this.
However, since it's such a short and abrupt phrase,
what comes through is
what you do and what you feel are unimportant.
You don't matter.
Ouch.
Number four, you're strong, you can handle it.
Well, it depends on the context.
But if this phrase is given,
when a person has expressed a vulnerability
or a pain point like grieving,
they're looking to you for help, support,
maybe even a solution,
they feel weak and making the decision to ask you
was already difficult.
Simply telling them the opposite, you're strong,
you can handle it, is the equivalent of saying
I reject this weakness you're showing,
I refuse your request for help,
deal with it on your own.
This rejection of them, when they've opened up,
carries the message that being vulnerable is wrong
and they must hide themselves.
Number five, you're in trouble.
This is toxic when it's said,
when the person already knows
that they're in for some bad times,
like after crashing their friend's car,
or missing an important deadline.
In other words, thanks, Captain Obvious,
you're not helping.
A phrase like this during a highly stressful event
can also sound like you're taking sadistic glee
in their misfortune.
If this trouble was told in confidence to you,
meaning the person needs at least a sympathetic ear,
this phrase sounds almost like a betrayal of trust.
And they may think twice about opening up to you
in the future about anything.
Number six, time heals everything.
This one comes off sounding like a disinterested,
lazy or meaningless platitude.
It's right up there with
this two shall pass, or time heals all wounds.
It sounds like something someone says
so they don't have to deal with
the person with the problems anymore.
When someone is in the deepest part of grief
or in the depths of intense emotion,
this phrase sounds flaky and unreal.
It also sounds like a lie.
Time isn't Wolverine's healing factor.
Time is what allows a person to adapt, process,
and cool down from the peak intensity of emotions.
That's it.
Profound things will always leave a mark, barring amnesia.
Generally, we know we're just trying to help,
and we say these things
because we feel the need to contribute and support somehow.
Caring is good and necessary.
To make those efforts more effective,
we need to be aware of how our words come across.
Our vocabulary can be improved
by being rooted in realism and the now,
instead of an idealized future.
When we better utilize our words to comfort others,
we also do so for ourselves.
Thanks for watching and good on you
for wanting to be better for others.
Did any of these phrases tweak something in you?
Feel free to add, share, and discuss in the comments.
See you soon.