- Everybody always says to me,
"Drew, you don't make your own merch
from scratch in your kitchen.
You have some company do it for you."
Well read it and weep, bozo
'cause I just made a fresh batch.
Buy something for your dad at drewgoodenshop.com.
Hey, guy. It's January.
And for the 29th year in a row,
my New Year's resolution is to get taller.
To be honest, I used to be really good at getting taller.
In fact, from 1993 to 2011, I grew almost six feet.
But in the 12 years since, nothing.
What am I doing wrong?
Is my body stupid?
Lucky for me, I just found out
that there are dozens of tutorials on YouTube,
each with millions of views on how to get taller.
There are real videos on this website
made by self-respecting human beings
who claim that they can teach you to become more tall.
Now, I assume the majority of these views are from children,
in which case I have good news for you.
You will get taller.
I just don't know how quickly or how much.
But as far as I've always been aware,
once you reach a certain age, that's it.
You just have to live with the hand that you've been dealt.
Or in this case, the legs, neck and torso you've been dealt.
If there was a simple and foolproof way to get taller,
don't you think people would do that?
Wouldn't everyone in the NBA choose to be as tall as Bol Bol
if it was a matter of choice?
That's not how it works, okay?
It's not possible.
Or is it? (chuckles)
It's not.
But maybe it, no, it's not.
Unfortunately, the only way to know for sure
is to spend the next month of my life
following each and every one of these tutorials
and tracking my progress along the way.
(upbeat synth music)
Now before we begin, obviously I gotta figure out
what it is I'm actually going to be doing.
So, let's check out some of these tutorials,
starting with the most handsome medical professional
on YouTube, Dr. Mike.
- What you should focus on to grow the tallest possible?
Making sure you get enough protein,
make sure you're eating your veggies and fruit.
You need to get enough sleep because when you sleep well,
you actually get a lot of growth hormone release.
- Say less. I can do that. - And then on top of that,
you wanna make sure you're exercising.
It makes you process food differently.
It makes your muscles grow,
and all of those things will contribute
to your physical appearance, including your height.
- You know that kind of felt like an afterthought,
didn't it?
I feel like maybe he forgot what he was talking about,
and then just threw that in at the end
'cause all he did was describe eating well
and going to the gym.
And that's how you get stronger and taller too.
I'm a doctor.
But yeah, no wonder all those really buff guys at the gym
are also 10 feet tall because lifting weights does both.
I also found two very similar shorts
from two different members of 100 Thieves.
If you don't know who 100 Thieves is,
they're a gaming conglomerate, sorta like FaZe Clan.
And if you don't know who FaZe Clan is,
then that sentence only made you more confused.
See, I think these guys live in the same house.
One of those content mansions with 37 bedrooms
and little dungeons for their editors to live.
- There's a myth that stretching
could actually make you taller.
Is it true? - No.
- [Speaker] Your boy is now 6'3.
- I feel taller.
I think it...
Oh my god!
- Actually, I think what happened is
that one of these guys made this video
and then the other one saw that it was doing well.
So they thought, "Oh, I'll just do the same thing.
I'll hang for a bit, do some stretches,
tell everyone to subscribe."
- Now, the most important step, to really grow taller.
- Go on, tell us.
- Is hitting that subscribe button right now.
(Drew growls)
You follow each and every single one of these steps,
I guarantee you, you will be taller.
- I hate YouTube Shorts.
I missed the good old days when YouTube only had longs.
Like this video from Bright Side,
which has 33 million views.
- [Narrator] Some exercises may help you become taller.
Some of them are just so effective
that it may take less than a week
for you to see the results.
- You know, if you told me earlier
that I could do all this in a week,
I would've felt good about that.
But after seeing what the 100 Thieves guy did,
I have higher standards.
He grew an inch and a half in like 10 minutes, okay?
I don't have all week.
I'm competing in a slam dunk contest tonight.
So as far as exercises go,
hanging is definitely the most common thing
I've seen so far.
Definitely gonna have to do that.
- [Narrator] All you need to do
is hold onto the bars tightly and try to hang,
not touching the ground with your feet.
- Right, because if your feet were on the ground,
then you would be standing.
- [Narrator] Stretching the neck backward
help to elongate the muscles in your neck,
and a longer neck will give you additional height.
This exercise improves stretchability,
and a well stretched body is a taller body.
- Yeah, you don't have to say that every time.
This exercise will make your legs longer.
And if your legs are longer then your height is more.
- [Narrator] Number 10, swimming.
Try to swim a minimum of five days a week for several hours,
and you'll see noticeable results.
- Damn, they really saved the hardest one for last.
Yeah, so you're gonna wanna stretch your neck
for a little bit, do a few yoga poses,
swim in the ocean for 20 hours a week.
Dude, I make one YouTube video a month.
How much free time do you think I have?
Actually, don't answer that.
- [Narrator] Remember to press two buttons
after watching this video.
- Wait, what was that?
- [Narrator] Press two buttons.
- To be fair, he didn't really specify which two buttons.
So there's one and then...
(dramatic music)
Hey, did someone order a pizza?
Oh-oh.
Sorry, I think you have the wrong.
A treasure map?
But where did you?
Ah, he's gone.
No, I just fell.
I don't have time for a treasure hunt right now,
but I'll save that for later.
Let's see what's next.
- There are three proven ways to grow taller.
Wow.
Drink milk, okay?
- Not milk.
This is what I feared the most.
- Doesn't necessarily need to be cow's milk.
You just need a daily intake of calcium
because that's what makes your bones grow.
- Hey, calm down.
All right? No one else said anything about milk.
So, it's probably not even a common thing.
- Number two is drinking milk.
I drank tons of cow milk.
- (sighs dejectedly) I can't believe big milk
has infiltrated the medical community.
- But really though, it all comes down to your DNA.
So, no matter how tall you are, just own it.
- I appreciate this person for acknowledging
that genetics play the biggest
and perhaps only role in this.
But by throwing it in at the end,
aren't you kinda contradicting
everything you've said so far?
But remember, at the end of the day,
you're either gonna be tall or not,
and no amount of milk you drink could possibly change that.
(suspenseful music)
But drink it anyway.
All right, so let's recap.
Here's everything I have to do this month.
I have to work out and eat healthy.
I have to drink milk specifically from a cow.
I have to stretch constantly and hang from stuff
and I have to sleep a lot.
- The more you sleep, the taller you grow.
- And if all these videos are accurate,
like I assume they are,
then I will have no trouble
hitting my goal height of seven feet.
That's right, other Drew Gooden,
for years, you've towered over me,
looked down on me in shame.
Probably had thoughts of squashing me like a bug.
All it would take is one step, but not anymore.
When I'm done with this video, I'm gonna be so goddamn tall
that your opportunity to squash me like a bug
will be over, Drew Gooden 2,
and you're gonna rue the day
that you blew your chance to do it.
(soft violin music)
Let's get started.
(sighs heavily) 5'11.
Just one inch short of being handsome and perfect,
and yet it feels so far away.
(upbeat music)
One of the first challenges of the video
was finding a place to hang from every day.
My initial thought was monkey bars at a playground,
but the playground that I went to
was right outside of middle school
and I just don't think it's a great idea
for me to be walking around with a camera and tripod
outside of a school.
So, I just bought a pull-up bar
and I'm gonna hang on that instead.
- Hang for three minutes.
If you can't hang that long, just know,
the longer you hang, the taller you grow.
- The guy from the TikTok said to hang
for at least three minutes.
I actually came really close on my first try.
I made it all the way to seven seconds
and I've slowly worked my way up to about 15.
As far as food goes,
I've been on a very strict meal plan.
I'm eating the same things every day.
Chicken, rice, sandwich, oatmeal.
So, really trying to maximize on protein without overeating.
No, I should say I've already been doing this
for like two months now before the video.
And to my knowledge, I haven't gotten any taller,
but I'm sure that'll come.
I'm sure a growth spurt is just right around the corner.
One more protein shake should do it.
Or you know, it's probably the milk
that I've been missing out on.
That's what I needed, is to buy cow's milk
for the first time in seven years and drink that every day.
Just went on a walk through my neighborhood.
Better drink some milk.
My favorite football team
just got eliminated from the playoffs?
Better drink some milk.
Got a giant pimple on my face from drinking so much milk?
Better drink some milk.
I don't really mind the taste of milk so much,
it's just that when you drink it by itself,
it really coats the inside of your mouth
and overstays its welcome.
But I can put up with it because multiple YouTubers
who I watch and trust assured me
that it will stretch my bones.
And I know that if there's one group of people
on this planet who wouldn't lie to me, it's YouTubers.
And then of course there have have been my daily stretches.
And you know what?
Please don't look at my scoliosis, okay?
I know my back is all bent up like a pretzel.
You don't have to comment on it.
In fact, I would probably already be taller
if my spine didn't make me do this all the time.
Now, I gotta say I forgot how good stretching feels.
Even though this is currently
having zero effect on my height,
I don't mind doing it
because it's actually improving my mood.
You know what's not improving my mood though?
Sleeping as much as I am.
What initially started as the easiest goal on my to-do list
has quickly become my least favorite part of this challenge.
When you spend every morning laying in bed,
you have way too much time to just think about your life
and ask all these difficult questions,
like why is it the things that we can't control
about ourselves are what we obsess over the most?
And why does Mr. Beast have a Fortnite skin?
The more I slept, the harder it was to get out of bed
and the more tired I'd feel throughout the day.
The more weird, unsettling dreams I would have
and the more disconnected I've generally felt from myself.
I feel like I'm not getting enough done during the day.
So, then I put off going to bed at night,
which only makes me sleep even later.
And as my days get shorter,
I'm finding myself becoming more and more irritable.
I'm getting overwhelmed easily by basic tasks.
Like, I can feel the pressure of time wasting away
in front of my outstretched hands always just out of reach.
It's hard to come to terms with the finite number of minutes
you've been given on this earth
when you don't feel like you're doing enough
to take advantage of them.
But maybe worst of all
is that I'm still the same goddamn height.
I don't understand. It's been almost three weeks.
I followed every step
and I have not one extra centimeter to show for it.
Maybe a little television will cheer me up?
Oh hey, the new "Scooby Doo" show is out.
I like "Scooby Doo".
This should be good.
- I spit truth without a filter
like every comedian before #MeToo.
- This is the worst show I've ever watched in my life.
Well, at least I didn't get any shorter, right?
Oh no, I did get shorter.
(suspenseful music)
- All right, well now that I have
even more ground to make up,
I think it's time we start thinking outside the box.
Subliminals, possibly the single most
gate kept online community.
Through a powerful mix of manifestation
and listening to lo-fi beats with headphones on,
it turns out you can change any physical feature
about yourself that you don't like.
Hair, eye color, face shape, even your height.
(subliminal music)
Don't believe me?
Listen to one of the many testimonials out there.
This works.
I went from 5 foot to 5'7 in three weeks.
Listened to this twice a day
and I went from 5'2 to 5'8.
I went from 5'3 to 5'7 in four months.
Kinda just sounds like a regular growth spurt to me.
But hey, results are results.
And it doesn't stop there.
Started this maybe a month ago,
gone from 5'4 to 5'7.
I listened to this once
in my hair growth subliminal playlist,
and my hair was literally longer than yesterday.
I immediately got a headache, oh my god.
My cat recovered from cancer.
Sorry, scientists.
Time to pack it up and go home because the real medicine
has been lofi hiphop beats
to relax/study to this entire time.
(soft upbeat music)
All right, well let's make a playlist.
Grow taller, height increase after age 21.
Grow taller, growth plates activation, increase height fast.
Grow taller in one listen.
But get this, I can make it even more powerful.
You see, they also have booster subliminals.
Use any subliminals once and get instant results.
Literally the most powerful booster made in existence.
So, if I listen to these
before and after my height subliminal,
then I'll double my results and get them instantly.
Man, the Internet's so helpful.
Welp, here goes nothing.
I will be 30 feet tall.
30 feet tall, 30 feet tall.
I will become a spectacle of human achievement, spectacle.
I will need custom pants tailored
for my very long legs, custom pants.
When I wake up tomorrow, my body will extend
far past my bed frame through the wall
and into the next room.
And when I stand up, I will bang my head on the ceiling.
Ceiling, ceiling.
All right. Think tall thoughts.
Tall thoughts. I'm a big old boy.
Who's that big old boy over there?
Is that Shaquille O'Neal from basketball?
No, I think that's Drew Gooden from YouTube.
Oh my gosh. The road work ahead guy?
Yeah, I heard he's so tall.
I heard he's about 5'10.
I heard he shrunk when he listened to subliminals.
It's day 23 and I'm running out of time.
I've tried everything.
I've hung, I've stretched, I've manifested.
I've eaten so much protein.
I only have one idea left and it's kind of ridiculous.
But the only thing that I can think of
that's still getting in my way is gravity.
If I can just find a way to get around that,
I'm chilling, right?
That's my one obstacle.
So, I did a little bit of brainstorming
and then last night it finally hit me.
I'll just go to space.
Unfortunately, that did end up
being a little bit outside of my budget.
So, I settled for the next best thing.
I ordered an inversion table from Amazon.
You see, my thinking is that if I can contort my body
so that gravity is working with me rather than against me,
then I can harness its power to achieve heights
never before seen by man.
Also, I saw some guy use it in a YouTube video.
So, I spent about two hours in my garage
putting it together.
I didn't think it would take that long
because I have a drill.
But every time I go to use my drill to assemble something,
it ends up being the only tool that's not required.
Like, you ever get a bookshelf from Ikea?
They don't use screws.
They give you 200 wooden pegs that are too thick
for the holes you have to smash them into.
Sorry, downstairs neighbors.
I just time traveled here from the stone age.
Anyway, it was getting kinda hot in my garage.
So, I headed inside for my government mandated milk break
before marching back out to finish the job.
To be honest, I'm a little scared of this thing.
I don't expect it to like break in half or something.
But I was reading online that you have to be careful
not to hang upside down for too long.
Because what can happen is your blood
starts to pool in your head and then you pass out,
and then possibly go into cardiac arrest.
So you know, gotta be a little careful.
And since I'd rather not die
in the middle of making a YouTube video,
I'm gonna take it pretty easy.
Probably not gonna do more than like 30 seconds at a time.
At least not unsupervised, of course.
But other than that, I'm just here to have fun.
And I know it may look like I'm frowning
and giving two thumbs down here.
But hey, get a load of this.
You see that? Life's all about perspective.
Well, it looks like I'll be incorporating this
into my routine from now on.
So, wish me luck.
(upbeat orchestral music)
All right, everyone.
It has been almost a week since I last measured myself,
and I've really kicked it into high gear.
I've done everything right.
I'm feeling very tall. (chuckles)
So, I am so excited.
Let's see where I'm at.
Here we go.
(gentle music)
Holy shit.
I'm 6'3?
It actually worked.
This is incredible.
This is life changing.
Oh, I forgot I was standing on a chair.
False alarm. Let's try that again.
I can't believe it.
All those people, they lied to me?
I thought I could trust them, but they deceived me.
Hi, 911?
I'd like to report a lie.
You guys don't do that?
You just do like murders and stuff?
I just don't get it.
What would even compel someone to go on the internet
and spread false information on a platform
where clickbaiting outrageous claims
can be financially lucrative?
I can't think of a single reason why someone would do that.
But I tell you what.
This is definitely gonna change the way
I consume media from now on.
Now that I know that some people out there
are purposely dishonest,
I'm not taking anything at face value.
And as soon as the Nigerian prince who emailed me last night
is done wiring me my inheritance of $1.6 million,
I'm gonna use that money to change the world.
I'm gonna take out ads in the newspaper.
I'm gonna put up billboards warning everyone to be careful
because some people don't have your best interest in mind.
Some people do.
Like this guy who's about to trim my armor for me
and give it back to me in the wilderness.
But not everyone can be as kindhearted as him.
So yeah, maybe I started this video
with a new year's resolution of getting 13 inches taller.
But after everything I've learned today,
I think my new New Year's resolution
is to be 13 inches kinder.
Thanks for watching, everybody.
Oh wait, I gotta go find that treasure.
(adventurous music) (Drew grunting)
(mystical music)
I love it.
Wait, you're telling me that the treasure
was this video's sponsor the whole time?
Damn, I bet this guy majored in marketing
for one semester of community college
before dropping out to do improv.
At this point, I've been using Hello Fresh
for more years than I can count,
because I can only count to four.
I don't know what comes next.
And during that time, all they've done is get better.
I swear, every time I open up the app,
there's a recipe I've never seen before.
And the variety is insane.
There's over 35 recipes to choose from every single week.
So, it's almost impossible
not to find something you'll like.
We usually go for the vegetarian meals,
but every once in a while I'll opt in for an add-on
like bacon or chicken just 'cause it looks good
and it only takes one click.
And it's still super easy to prepare
because the additional instructions are right there
on the recipe card.
The number one word I would choose to describe Hello Fresh
would be convenient.
It's not just that the ingredients are pre-portioned
and fresh and travel from the farm to your door
in less than a week,
or that it save you hours of time every month
that you don't have to spend in the grocery store.
But it said, they also tell you exactly how long each meal
will take to prepare.
So you know, if you have a busy week coming up,
you can opt in for something
that'll take 20 minutes or less.
Their newest, fast and fresh meals take 15 minutes or less,
which is great
because the less time you spend in the kitchen,
the more time you have to hang upside down in your garage.
Honestly, can't recommend Hello Fresh enough,
especially if you're still trying to gain confidence
in the kitchen.
It's like training wheels for cooking.
You'll make something for the first time and be like,
"Damn. I did that?
And there's not even a little rat on my head
controlling my every move?"
That's great.
So, if you're thinking of starting off your new year
with a new meal plan, you're in luck
because I have a deal for you.
Go to hellofresh.com
and use my promo code, imalittlestinker21 for 21 free meals
plus free shipping. Thank you so much to Hello Fresh
for sponsoring today's video.
Now, I gotta go fill up a hole that I dug.
Hello?
Can someone help up?