(girlish voice) How come there aren't any emojis
of hot emo boys making out?
(Ian) SHUT UP!!!
In 1998, Shigetaka Kurita used the first emoji.
(gong booms)
Ten years later, Apple held a top secret meeting
to develop emojis for their products.
The following is a completely accurate
historical reenactment of what took place.
(Steve Jobs) Thank you all for attending my secret meeting
on such short notice.
Before we begin, let us all pray to the Great Apple in the Sky.
(all mutter incoherently)
Okay, shut up. That's enough.
Here's the deal, folks.
Whenever I send a text message to my lovely mother,
auto-correct always f*cks it up!
So I was thinking we need a universal language
that cannot be misinterpreted, and that's where I came up
with these weird little picture thingies.
I call them Apple iPics.
Those already exist and they're called emojis.
You know, I was just thinking that maybe instead
I should call them emojis!
I just said that.
Anybody have any ideas for some more emojis?
Yes, annoying guy in the front with all the logic?
Well, I think it would be nice to have all ethnicities
represented with their own emoji.
Oh my god, that is the most boring thing I've ever heard.
Uh, next?
Four pages of smiley faces, so I can show how I'm feeling
because I'm a normal guy and I can't express emotion.
(laughs) I can't either! That's great.
Next?
Seven different kissy faces because I'm a girl
and I wanna confuse the sh*t outta guys.
#MixedSignals.
I love that.
You know, I'm designing something called the iCloud,
just to confuse the sh*t out of people too.
Next?
How 'bout a ram!
Great! Next?
How 'bout we re-create a bunch of the smiley faces,
but as cats.
Of-fricking-course!
And maybe we can do smileys with dogs too.
No! F*ck dogs!
How 'bout another ram?
Okay, what is it with you and rams?
My friend just really likes them, okay?
Reggie, just throw it in there, the ram for the man.
Throw in another ram for the man.
Okay, seriously, there are two races outside of white people
represented, but they all pretty much look white!
I mean, is this dude with the turban supposed to represent
all people other than white people?
What about a ghost? A ghost can be any race.
Oh my god.
Uh, excuse me, but this top secret lair is booked
for my Train Appreciation Club at 12:30.
That's my bad. I'm sorry.
Hey, by the way, we can't really think of any more emojis
because these people aren't geniuses like you and I.
Do you have any ideas?
13 different trains!
Now why the f*ck would we need that many trains?
Oh, looks like we got a train racist over here, huh?
You just think all trains look the same, don't you?
Well, see, you're gonna need a steam powered train,
a bullet train, a slightly speedier looking bullet train,
one with the flat front, a monorail train,
a trolley train, a trolley trail with the...
slight thingie...whatever this is. It's a little bit different on top.
And then we got a front facing train.
That same front facing train going next to a sign,
and a train going through a tunnel for when I need to make
a sexual reference to my wife.
Eh? Eh?
I mean, I could go on for days.
- Sold! - Come on!
Guys, we got about a minute left, so...
Lightning round!
A purple devil.
A huge building with a BK on it.
A bloody syringe.
A padlock with the tip of an ink pen!
A moon that looks he wants to molest youuu!
Fruit that looks like a butt.
A flag for all ten countries of the world.
Listen!
I don't really know what it is.
A VHS tape.
A pager.
Maybe another--
NO!
Focus, people.
We only need one more emoji, so let's make it good.
Come on, guys!
We finally have a chance to represent every ethnicity
equally with a universal language.
This will bring everybody together and could change the world.
This could be the first step to world peace.
You know what? He's right.
Wouldn't you represent every race, color, and creed
with these emojis? So what better way
to do that then to include the most underrepresented race
of all time!
Santa Claus!
F-ck you, you smiling piles of sh-t!
Wait, no! That's just it.
You're a genius, man.
Our final emoji...
will be a smiling pile of sh*t.
(scary music)
(Anthony) Hey, guys, thanks so much for watching
and make sure to hit that big ass yellow button
if you aren't already subscribed. It will totally make you feel
like that cool emoji with the sunglasses. You know, the one...
the...you...yeah.
(Ian) If you guys wanna see bloopers from this video
and a deleted scene, click the video on the left.
I tried to send my mom a simple text message
and auto-correct always f*cked it up.
Look at this.
This is the message I sent my mom last week.
(Ian) And if you wanna see more of me being a really bad Steve Jobs,
click the video on the right to watch our iPhone 6 commercial.
We've made the greatest enhancements to iOS
since the beginning. All Samsung Galaxy phones
within a 50 foot radius will burst into flames.
AAAH!
(screaming)