THIS FIRST HEADLINE COMES FROM STEVIE S AND IT READS FLORIDA
MAN, IMAGINE PEOPLE JUST TUNING IN NOW, LIKE BIDEN HAS WON,
THEY'RE ALL CELEBRATING AND SOMEONE GETS A TEXT, ST UNDER
CBS IS DOING HONEST HEADLINES, NO WAY.
BIDEN WON AND HONEST HEADLINES, THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY EVER!
THIS ONE FROM CBS THAT SAYS FLORIDA MAN JAILED AFTER
ASSAULTING 7-ELEVEN WITH SLURPEE.
THAT WAS THE HEADLINE, THE A HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ
ASSAULT AND SLATTERY, ONE FROM THE DAILY MAIL THAT I SAS
BOYFRIEND DIVED INTO A FISH TANK TO RETRIEVE AN ENGAGEMENT, THE
HONEST ONE SHOULD HAVE READ FOOLISH LOBSTER THOUGHT THIS MAY
FINALLY BE THE ONE.
>> HERE'S ONE FROM NPR READS STUDY FINDS PAINTING EYES ON
COW'S BUTT CAN SAVE THEIR LIVES.
THAT IS THE HEAD LINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ MAN HAS TO COME UP WITH
EXCUSE AND FAST.
HERE'S A HEAD IAN FROM "THE NEW YORK POST" AND IT READS
RENAISSANCE PAINTER RAPHAEL GAVE HIMSELF A NOSE JOB IN
SELF-PORTRAIT, THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ
RAPHAEL DID IT FOR THE GRAM.
THAT IS A SHAME.
IT WAS HARD TO BEAT THE THE LAST ONE.
HARD TO BEAT THE COW [BLEEP].
>> JUST FUNNY TO IMAGINE THAT SCENARIO OF A GUY DOING THAT.
>> James: THAT IS WHY IT IS FUNNY.
THAT IS WHY IT IS FUNNY.
>> JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT GUY PAINTING EYES ON A COW'S BUTT.
OH BOY, THEY CAUGHT ME, I NEED AN EXCUSE, THE-- THE LAUGHS COME
TRAILING IN.
>> James: YEAH.
I WONDER IF YOU COULD UNPACK EVERY HONEST HEADLINE FROM A
COMEDIAN PERSPECTIVE.
>> LET ME KNOW.
>> James: ALL RIGHT, HERE'S ONE FROM FOX NEWS, AND IT READS
COLORADO ZOO LIVE STREAMS GIRAFFE BIRTH, THAT IS THE
HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ HERE COMES THE HEAD AND THE
NECK AND THE NECK AND THE NECK.
BECAUSE GIRAFFES ARE TALL.
>> ONE OF THE TALLER ANIMALS AND SPECIFICALLY IN THE NECK AREA.
>> James: EXACTLY.
YOU'RE RIGHT, THE LEGS ARE LONG BUT THERE ARE OTHER ANIMALS WITH
THAT AREA OF LEGS T IS REALLY A NECK-BASED ANIMAL.
>> RIGHT, RIGHT, PROCESS OF ELIMINATION, THE NECK IS THE
FUNNY PART, YOU KNOW.
>> James: HERE'S HEADLINE COMES FROM ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY
T READS GEORGE R.R. MARTIN SAYS-- WILL BE DIFFERENT IN THE
BOOK.
>> IT SHOULD HAVE READ GEORGE R.R. MARTIN STILL WRITING "GAME
OF THRONES" BOOK FOR SOME REASON.
BECAUSE IT'S DONE, WE FEEL LIKE IT IS FINISHED.
>> PEOPLE MOVED ON AFTER THE HBO PROGRAM WAS OVER.
>> James: BUT HE IS STILL WRITING THE BOOKS.
>> YEAH.
>> James: FOR SOME REASON.
I THINK THERE IS MORE PEOPLE WATCHING THIS IN THIS ROOM THAN
ARE WATCHING THIS ON TV.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Reggie: DEFINITELY.
I MEAN.
>> I THINK WE ARE GOING TO BE ON VERY, VERY LATE AT NIGHT IF WE
ARE ON.
>> James: YOU THINK THIS WON'T BE ON 12:307.
>> IF BIDEN ON TRUMP GIVES A SPEECH THEY MIGHT GO TO THAT
BEFORE THEY GO TO YOU, NO INSULT.
>> YOU ARE A REAL PIECE OF [BLEEP], YOU KNOW THAT.
(LAUGHTER).
>> James: HERE'S THE HEADLINE THAT COMES FROM CNN AND IT READS
COLLEGE STUDENT SAYS A PROFESSOR TOLD HER NOT TO BREASTFEED
DURING ONLINE CLASS.
THAT IS THE HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ IF HE FINDS THAT
DISTRACTING TRY BEING MILKED BY A TINY LITTLE PERSON.
>> HERE'S ANOTHER HEADLINE FROM CNN AND IT READS DISNEY PLUS NOW
LET'S YOU BINGE WATCH WITH FRIENDS VIRTUALLY.
THAT IS THE HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ ADULTS REALLY INTO DISNEY
STILL WATCHING ALONE.
DO YOU FIND THAT WEIRD?
DON'T YOU.
>> THAT IS WEIRD.
>> JUST ADULTS IN GENERAL.
>> JUST ADULTS, WHEN YOU GO TO THE PARK, AND YOU SEE LIKE A
COUPLE IN THEIR 30S.
WITH LIKE ALL THE GEAR ON.
>> YOU KNOW THEY ARE GOING HOME AND HAVING SEX ON MICKEY MOUSE
SHEETS.
>> James: YEAH, I DON'T GET IT AND THEY LIKE YEAH, I SEE THEM
COMING I'M LIKE IN HERE GUYS.
I WALK IN LIKE A GIANT SLURPEE AND GOOFY OUTFIT OR SEE THEM
GETTING PHOTOS.
WITH LIKE YOU KNOW, BUZZ LIGHT-YEAR.
LIKE A GUY TAKING A PHOTO OF HIS WIFE WITH LIKE MEHTA FROM CARS
2.
YOU KNOW ALL THE TIME HE'S LIKE WHAT DO YOU DO.
>> HERE'S ONE, HERE IS THE HEADLINE FROM FOX NEWS, AND IT
READS MIKE TYSON SAYS HIS 2020 VOTE WAS THE FIRST OF HIS LIFE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE RED TIESON PUNCHED BALLOT,
BECAUSE HE'S A BOXER.
>> ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS PUDGE ILIST.
>> James: HE IS KNOWN FOR PREDOMINANTLY BOXING AND A IMHON
THING PEOPLE SAY HE PUNCHED A BALLOT BUT IT WORKS IF BOTH WAYS
BECAUSE YOU PUNCH A BALLOT BUT ALSO SUCK HIM INTO A JAW BONE.
>> WE CAN CHALK THAT RIGHT UP TO WORD PLAY.
>> James: WE CAN CHALK THAT ONE UP TO WORD PLAY, THAT IS
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
WE CHALKED IT UP, A WORD PLAY CHALK.
OKAY.
HERE'S ONE WERE FROM PEOPLE.
AND IT SAYS AMERICAN PERFECT THEIR COFFEE MAKING SKILLS
DURING PANDEMIC, THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ IT WAS
THE BARISTA TIMES, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES.
WHERE ARE WE CHALKING THAT ONE.
>> WE JUST NEEDED SOMETHING TO FILL IN THERE.
>> James: WE DID, WE NEEDED SOME DOWN TIME BEFORE THIS NEXT
ABSOLUTE BANGER.
>> CLEAR THE RUNWAY.
>> HONEST HEADLINE FINAL JOKE, PERMISSION TO LAND.
WITHIN AND FINALLY HERE'S THE HEADLINE FROM THE HUFFINGTON
POST THAT READS PIZZA SHOP OWNER THAT WARTS RONERY BY TOSSING PIE
AT SUSPECT.
THAT WAS THE HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE, THAT IS A SPICY PIZZA.
>> WHEN WE COME BACK WE'RE TALKING TO HENRY WINKLER.