- It's Valentine's Day?
Oh of course I remembered, babe.
I just gotta go do some things real quick.
(footsteps thumping)
The real holiday is the day after Valentine's Day,
when all the candy is on sale.
(laughs) I'm so alone.
I went all out for my Valentine this year,
complete spa package, manicure, pedicure, facial, massage,
everything your Valentine could ever want.
And just to be clear, my Valentine this year is me.
I never know what to write in these Valentines.
I really enjoy spending two days a week with you.
That's romantic, right?
What are we trying to say with Valentine's Day gifts?
Here are some flowers representing how I feel about you.
They're beautiful now, but will die very soon.
And here's some candy,
which is terrible for your health and wellbeing.
Sort of like our relationship.
You got me plain navy socks for Valentines?
(sniffs) You really do know me.
If you really loved me, you would excuse me
from participating in this lame Hallmark holiday
from now until forever.
That's the gift that keeps on giving.
Yeah, I have a Valentine.
Grandma gave me $5 in this Valentine's Day card.
That's more than any other woman has ever done for me.
Oh my gosh, a list of detailed reasons why you like me,
that I can reference at any time?
It's all I could have ever wanted.
I don't know what about a holiday celebrating
a beheaded saint says love and romance to everybody,
but whatever.
I'm only in it for the candy, anyway.
My girlfriend told me over and over
that she really doesn't want me to make a big deal
out of Valentine's Day, mm-hmm.
So I've hired skywriters to spell out I love you
over the house, a band to perform her favorite love songs
live in the living room and a Guy Fieri impersonator
to cook us a three-course dinner.
She can't fool me.
Do you like the drawing I made of you?
Yeah, it took me like three hours
to finish the shading on your upper lip.
I'm doing the usual for Valentine's tonight.
Soup for one, salad for one, wine for three.
Remember being a kid when you had a really big crush
on a girl at school and you labored for hours
trying to pick the perfect Valentine to give her in class?
And then she gave you one in exchange
that just said something like you're a good pal?
Yeah, me neither.
There's nothing wrong with me
not having a date on Valentine's Day.
Okay, Timmy, actually, you know what?
I do have a date tonight.
It's with your mom, bro, boom.
Yeah.
Ah, Valentine's Day, time for more of my friends
to get engaged and let their friendship with me
fall by the wayside, yay.
OMG, so happy for you.
(passionate music)
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