want to have money without having money
want to go to stores and get things
because you want them then use my Horton
card it's reliable it's no fuss
it's a fancy plastic IOU card that will
have you swimming in debt for the rest
of your and your offsprings life and to
make sure you feel comfortable with
spending money you don't have
we'll use this comedian to make you feel
like it's no big thing I'm from that TV
show that's doing reasonably well so
I've got a sense of humor about spending
money on stuff I don't need just charge
my card buddy whatever it doesn't really
matter to me because I'm mostly excited
to get cash back relatable now why use
gross paper covered with pictures of
dead guys when you can use my square
piece of dinosaur carcass with numbers
on it in fact nowadays you have to have
a square of recycled soda bottle because
how else would you even be able to
purchase your online subscription to
watching what used to be free or paying
for an expensive education that won't
lead to a job really any financial
milestone that's right to get a roof
over your head you need to earn credit
which is really just showing you own a
little square that you have to pay off
continually somehow that's what makes
you trustworthy and shows you're good
with money we've made it impossible to
live without our plastic numbers Swiper
we're putting chips in some of them not
look at that
it's kind of a pain in the ass also a
pain in the ass you can't even use these
everywhere you can use it in some places
that pay me to accept your card
otherwise you can just use money which
is what people who are taking your money
would prefer I'm an expensive middle man
who's charging everyone extra for using
my plastic cutout also you'll probably
need a different swipe be Swiper when my
card doesn't work at one place where
another one does work is it harder to
keep track of how much you're spending
when you don't physically see the
presidentially decorated paper strips
leaving your hands we're counting on it
especially when we encourage you to go
paperless will say it's for the
environment but it's really because we
know if we send you emails if the
charges you made
you'll only skim the email if you're
reading them at all here's where it gets
fun for me and exclusively no one else
we made it so the longer it takes for
you to be able to pay us back on time
the more money you'll rack up an
interest and the harder it'll be to pay
off and doesn't that sound like it
should be illegal it's not it's interest
interest is a random percentage we
charge you because you made charges this
is going to get pretty technical and
pretty crimey so let's look at a graph
if you're the average American credit
card holder then you owe more than
$10,000 in debt let's say your interest
rate is twenty four point nine nine
percent and you're paying off just the
minimum because times are tough or you
know because times are normal that means
it in ten years you'll have paid more
than twenty six thousand dollars and
still owe over eleven thousand dollars
more and that's just ten years after
fifty years you'll have paid a hundred
sixty five thousand seven hundred twenty
nine and still owe more than seventeen
thousand so you will always owe me money
but the more you use our card the more
worthless things we'll give you all
right yes let's hear it first stop or
even better than stuff cash back which
is just a tiny portion of money that you
used to pay off the debt but of course
you'll never see actual money the more
you charge the more cash back we'd give
you it's like you're digging a hole and
we throw in a handful of dirt to help
you get out of the hole but only after
you dig five feet deeper if you're
worried you might not be able to pay off
this credit card will encourage you to
get another card to pay off that one and
then another to pay off that one the
more credit cards the more you have to
pay and the more you owe us it's
literally the same apparatus as a Ponzi
scheme but we tell you about it with a
300-page tiny printed booklet that you
won't read so get yourself a Horten card
credit card go ahead and swipe it
through machines till you owe us
billions
Oh was that too harsh
Oh here hey laughing machine make the
people feel better with your jokey words
hey so you guys ever notice how a Katy
Katy Perry is you feel better already
right Katy Perry's basically just Zoe
ditional but gasps ears I'm Roger by the
way
[Music]
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