Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you're new to my channel, my name is Stephanie
I'm a life and relationship coach. So this week I want to get into codependency and this is a great topic
I've made I think just one other video about it
I mean, I definitely talk about it amongst a lot of my videos on my channel
But I wanted to get into some ways that you can start healing this codependency within yourself
So when we're children, we're definitely codependent in the sense that we're seeking approval
We want to gain mom and dad's love and mom and dad were supposed to mirror all of these things back to us
This was supposed to create the healthy inner dialogue within ourselves that we would then have for the rest of our lives
so this is the you're gonna teach your child, you know the bird how to fly in the bird leaves the nest so
Unfortunately, a lot of us didn't learn how to fly like that in a healthy way
We just when we got out of the nest we fell to the bottom of the ground
So now when we're codependent, we are unconsciously seeking validation
We're unconsciously seeking love were
Unconsciously seeking approval from others and a lot of people are walking around this earth. Not even knowing that they're
unconscious beliefs that their programming is to seek validation is to seek love so
Codependency people-pleasing it kind of intertwines with each other. So when we're so wrapped up in what's best for everyone else
What can I do for everyone else and we never bother to ask ourselves? Okay
well
What do I mean and what do I feel and what do I think?
And am I getting this and am I able to set boundaries with people when I'm not getting it when we can't have that inner?
Dialogue when we're not curious about what's going on internally within ourselves. That's not healthy self-love. That's not a self-care
That's not you being a responsible and healthy adult taking care of your own self. So
The fact of the matter is in order to be a healthy person
You have to be able to have that inner dialogue with yourself
you have to be able to motivate yourself and a lot of other things but
You need to be able to fill yourself up inside. And so when we weren't taught how to do that and when we were not
given the
emotionally that we needed as children when we were
Neglected on a lot of levels by our parents doesn't mean mom and dad
We're alcoholics doesn't mean mom and dad beat us doesn't mean that they were drug addicts
They could have been lovely people but they weren't able to emotionally connect to us or at times
just based off of unfortunately the way
We parent sometimes or the way society parents that they weren't able to validate us for everything that we were feeling
So then we would grow up to then be able to validate and honor our own
Selves and know what we needed in every single moment in order to fill ourselves up inside
so when all of those things happen it forms codependency within us so it forms this story or this program within our
Subconscious that basically says in order to get love I have to do this in order to get love and approval
I need to worry about everyone else and never bother to worry about myself and perhaps most of your life
You just went off a program and you never even once asked yourself. What do I need?
What do I feel and if you did you didn't really kind of sit in it and say okay?
This is what I need and I'm gonna stay firm in it
You didn't have that level of self-love self confidence in yourself to be able to do that. Perhaps you thought okay?
Well if I assert myself and if I tell people what I think and how I feel
that I have a fear that they'll abandon me or
that I have a fear that this person probably isn't capable of giving me what I need motional e or
respecting my boundaries
whatever your fears were and when we live in that place of fear where we don't want to tell people what we think and how
We feel that we recognize. Okay. I'm doing something to seek something
I'm doing something to seek that this person will like me or love me or give me the things that I should be giving myself
So when we're at least able to acknowledge that that's step one you're hurting, you know
Part of the battle has been has been won. The other part is being able to give that stuff to yourself
so the fact of the matter is if someone gives you
Love and approval or someone abandons you at the end of the day you're left with just yourself
So you have to be able to fill yourself up inside and filling yourself up inside really?
Has to do with your internal dialog and has to do with you being able to
Self-soothe it has to do with you being able to validate your own feelings
one of the things that I always tell my clients is regardless of your feet what you're feeling you have to validate it and I
Do it for myself as well
Even if I feel something and all of a sudden I can I can hear myself judging that feeling
Why do you feel that way you have no right to feel that way. You shouldn't feel that way
I immediately block that out because now I know where that's coming from that's coming from my ego self
I immediately block that out and I say no I'm going to love myself
I'm gonna selfie Hrant myself, and I'm gonna validate what it is. I'm feeling so I sit in that feeling
Okay, I feel sad. Okay, I feel disappointed. Okay feel angry, okay
I have this fear that I can fear that I can feel is starting to come so I honor that the next step is actually
Moving through it in a healthy way, which is feeling and not suppressing it and then deciding
how do I want to feel do I want to stay stuck in this feeling or do I want to remind myself of the
Reality of what is going on in this situation?
The reality is is that I have a right to feel that way and that's something that was huge for me when I began
Honoring what I felt. That was the step towards healing from codependency
and
making it okay to feel what I was feeling and not judging myself for feeling what I was feeling and when I began to take
Responsibility for my life, and I said, you know what my happiness is my responsibility. It's not someone else's responsibility to give me love
It's not someone else's responsibility to validate when I'm feeling it's not someone else's responsibility
to
Be okay with what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling, you know
Not everyone has to agree with the way you feel and again
That was something that was really huge for me when I didn't need anyone's validation anymore when I didn't need
Someone to agree with me and that that was okay that someone didn't agree with me. That was a huge
You know
You just feel freer with that because you're not so constricted on everyone else liking you and that no one had to like me
No, one had to agree with me because I love myself
I was taking care of myself and I knew that my happiness was my responsibility. It's very liberating to live in that world
And that's where your happiness really comes from because that happiness that you're gaining. You're given to yourself
That's you filling your own cup up
So now if you struggle with saying no
If you struggle with creating boundaries and knowing how to enforce them
if you struggle and this was something I struggled with for years if you struggle with the need to
Fix people the need to solve people's problems
So when someone tells you a problem you take it on like a chores and here you go out the door
Okay, how are we going to tackle this? How're we gonna fix it?
If everyone's problems became your problems that's definitely a sign of codependency
It doesn't mean that we don't love and care about our friends and family. It just means that at a certain point
You stop and you realize that it's not your job to over exert yourself to
Put someone else's needs and wants ahead of your own if you feel that need that
Perfectionism if you live in that perfectionism world, if you feel the need that everything has to be perfect
That's definitely a sign of codependency. That's definitely a sign of
You know with a perfectionist that underlining story that's being told is if everything's perfect
If I'm perfect if I make the right decisions, I won't feel pain. Everyone will like me
I'll have the happiness that I want. I'll get the love that I want because I'm doing the right thing. I'm a good girl
I'm doing the right thing and that'll give me love that don't give me approval
That'll give me validation from people definitely neglecting your own wants and needs
So this is a situation where if someone asks you to do something
You don't even ask yourself whether or not you want to do it
You just do it or if you do ask yourself, you know, you don't want to do it
But you do it anyways
My point is is if majority of the time you're doing things that you don't want to be doing
That is a sign of codependency the fear of someone leaving you you know the fear of abandonment
Goes hand in hand with codependency once so when we fear that if someone leaves us that we won't be okay
the reason why we have that fear of abandonment is because we've been abandoned and
Usually it was by one of our parents. It could have been a physical abandonment
It could have been an emotional abandonment
And when we had that abandonment where dad was supposed to do this dad was supposed to be here
mom was supposed to allow me to like feel what I'm feeling is sit in a space for me and and
Maybe one or both of them weren't able to do that
That fear of someone doing the same thing to us of giving us that letdown
Happens time and time again as we become adults and then that forms
codependency because if I fear you leaving and I don't think that I'm gonna be okay if you leave if I don't know how to
love myself
If I don't know how to give myself the stuff that I need to give myself in order for me to be a healthy
Emotionally healthy mature adult that takes responsibility for their life
If I'm not that adult and I fear everyone leaving me I'm gonna do everything I can
To make sure that no one leaves me. I'm gonna put up with that behavior. I'm gonna put up with abuse
I'm gonna put up with neglect. I'm gonna allow people to walk all over me
I'm gonna allow people to you know tiptoe on violating my boundaries and I just don't really say anything
So you're not gonna have the self confidence in yourself to stand up and say hey
This is what I need out of a relationship and if you can't give it that's totally fine
Then you need to leave my life. And then I'm okay if you leave because I know how to take care of myself
There's nothing that I'm I'm seeking from you that I'm not already giving myself. I want you in my life
I love you. I care about you, but my happiness comes first, and it's a two-way street in this relationship
So, how do we heal codependency? Number one? You have to know what you want. You have to know what you want
you have to know how you feel and you have to be okay in the beginning stages of this to feel very
Uncomfortable with telling people what you want and what you think so in the beginning when I started saying, okay
I'm gonna validate myself. What do I want? How do I feel I'm gonna honor every single
bit of me that wants to do this or doesn't want to do this or this is what I think and I was gonna honor
That I was gonna stand up for myself. No matter what anyone else thought I had to be okay that it was extremely uncomfortable
For me to sit in that space it was uncomfortable for me to stand up for myself like that
Because I got a ton of backlash from people in my life because they weren't used to this person
So in the beginning you have to know what you want
You have to know what you're feeling you have to get in touch with yourself. And that's you loving yourself
That's you becoming your own best friend. Most codependent slack that
healthy
Narcissism to some extent that's healthy because that means that you're putting yourself first and you have to put yourself first in life
That's you taking care of yourself
emotionally mentally spiritually
What-have-you. So a lot of codependent slack that ability to be selfish in that way and when I say selfish
I mean that in the most self loving way that I can say it you putting yourself first
It's just like when we're on the airplane and they say you have to put your mask on first
you have to take care of yourself above everyone else and as much as I love my son and
Majority of the time he does come first
There are times where mom has to come first because mom has to take care of my of her own self
because if I don't I can't take care of anyone else one of the last things that's so important towards codependency recovery is
letting go the need to fix others and
Again, this was a huge stepping stone in my own recovery was and even now I still struggle with it
I still struggle when someone you know, I hear a problem or I see someone struggling with something
I feel the need to come in and part of that is codependency
But part a real part of that now that I'm that I've healed so much of that codependency within myself is just me being empathetic
I'm so highly empathic that it's
Easy for me to hear someone's problems and I want to dive in and just save the day
I want to help you because I want everyone to live a great life, right?
that's me feeling someone's pain and not and not wanting them to sit in that space but a
Huge part of my recovery was understanding that everyone's on their own journey and your journey
Your sister's journey boyfriend's journey your mom's journey who the hummers journey that's there
Jurnee, that's their that's the things that they need to learn in life
And you can't force someone to learn lessons and you can't fix everyone's problems
And they're still going to be happy, you know, and that's something that I always struggled with was
I always looked at it
like wow
I'm helping you and you're still not happy or
I'm doing all of this to make everything good in your life because these are all the things that you're miserable
Miserable about or complaining about and you're still not happy
And so I think at that point was when I started turning over a new way of thinking
And that no matter what I did I couldn't make someone happy
I couldn't make someone love me and when I accepted that it was freeing because it allowed me to not
Feel the need to fix everyone and that
Now when I know I'm going too far and I'm like, okay stuff. You're doing too much. It's not your problem
I can say I can seek that now. I know that within my own self that okay
I'm going too far and I need to take a step back
Sometimes years ago
It would I would get to the point of just exhaustion where I was so
exhausted from doing and doing and doing and then it became angry and bitter and resentful when
When people didn't do the same for me or when someone still wasn't happy and that I was felt like god
No matter what I do
It's still not good enough when it wasn't my problem to begin with and I couldn't be resentful of someone else
When I was the one that was going in trying to save the day and I was the one that was willing to
Not put my own self first, so it couldn't be mad anyone else. I can only take responsibility for myself
And those are huge huge golden nuggets takeaways, whatever
Towards real recovery is you have to have the self-awareness as to when are you tip toeing in that codependency? And
The first thing you always have to do is like I said ask yourself. How do I feel in every single moment?
How do I feel what do I want?
What do I think when you start asking yourselves those questions that?
Self-care that self-love that's you take a responsibility for your own life
When the answers start coming up and it gets a little bit uncomfortable to say, okay. I'm gonna have to express myself to someone
I'm gonna have to set a boundary. I'm gonna have to enforce this boundary
That's where the real work comes in. But for this video, I wanted to give you some insight on how to spot
these
codependency
behaviors that you have in yourself that sometimes we're not even aware of it's just our
Autopilot taking over and we're just living life and we're not aware that we're actually walking around with unhealthy
Behaviors and habits, so I hope you guys have enjoyed this video
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