- Next.
Next. Next.
Oh, sorry.
I'm gonna have to pull you aside. - For real?
- You see, we have to pull out one white person for every 20 brown people so we don't seem racist.
Just, uh, pretend like I'm searching you for weapons.
- Yeah, I should let you know I do have a hunting knife and a small handgun on me, so...
- No, you're good, man. - Cool.
- Yeah. - Pow.
- Yeah. Have a good one out there.
Next.
Every Airport ever
- Okay, here's your boarding pass, and you are aware that our carry-on policy is one bag that doesn't exceed 45 inches or 40 pounds.
(Silence)
- Totally. (rapid unzipping)
- Oh, wow. - Thanks, ma'am.
Whoa!
- Sir, we're gonna need to check your assh--e.
- Remember, all liquids over the 3.4-ounce limit are prohibited. Either dump it out, or drink it now.
- Argh!
My water! (gulping)
- Oh, my toothpaste!
- Ah, my liquid bombs!
(gulping)
(screaming)
(Bang)
- Please remove all watches and jewelry..
- Sir, we need to pat you down.
- I'm gonna use the backs of my hands.
(detector warbles and beeps)
Clear. Thank you so much, sir.
Next.
- But couldn't they just take two 3-ounce bombs and then make a bomb with that?
(In an Outbackish Accent) Hi, yes.
I've lost my suitcase.
- Okay, can you describe it for me?
- Oh, yes, sure, it's-- it's black.
And it's got a zipper on it and wheels on the back so you wheel it around, and there's no name tags on it.
- Right? Uh, maybe you can help me with something a little more distinct.
- Right, right. Ah yes, there's clothes inside of it.
- Something that might help set it apart from literally every other suitcase on the planet and probably other planets.
- Right, right. I got a toothbrush.
Little toothbrush in there.
- Great, can you tell me the color of the toothbrush?
- I cannot. I brush my teeth in the dark with my eyes closed. I'm afraid of my own smile.
- Welcome to the airport, and you're sick.
(beep) - I'm sorry, sir. Step aside. I'm just gonna pat you down with the backs of my hands.
- Yeah, I know the drill.
- Wait, haven't I seen you like four times today already?
- Yeah, I realized getting pat down by the TSA is the most human contact I've had since my breakup with Denise.
- Turn around.
- Tell you what, I am done with women.
- Arms up.
- I don't even have a flight today.
- Turn back around.
- You can, uh-- you can use the front of your hands if you want.
- Sir, I don't--
- Shh. No one has to know.
- Does my baby count as carry-on or checked luggage?
- (sighing) Oh, God.
Yeah, I lost my suitcase.
- Okay, can you describe it for me?
- Sure, it's black. It has wheels and zippers. Oh.
And I left it in the cab on the way here.
- (heavy sigh)
Great, just give me one second.
- Sure, thank you.
- Hi, security? This man has a bomb.
- Hold on, wait. What? Aah!
(thuds, groans)
Every Airport Ever
- Hey, guys.
Thank you so much for watching this video, and for those of you that have never been to an airport before, I
hope you did-- you still laughed, and since there's a McDonald's in every airport, click the box on the left to watch Every
McDonald's Ever.
And if you want to see our fun little musical where we thank you guys, click the box on the right, and
And Uhh - I guess we'll see you next time. Love you. Bye.